SD16 just text me
So just got a text from Sd. I didnt block her number because any nasty texts I want DH to see first hand so i never blocked that number. Her text was....Can i come for dinner Wed?
No wed is DH and I date night with no children home at all. My BS14 stays at my moms on wed now. I didnt answer but the more I think about things and the more alone time I have at home i realize I do not want this child back at my house and do not know how to tell DH this. I want to stay like this until she goes away to college (I hope)....Is that horrible?
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Not after what you've gone
Not after what you've gone through with this girl.
So in one breath she wants to
So in one breath she wants to get better and in the next she blantantly tries to infringe on date night?
No, its not horrible at all.
No, its not horrible at all. I almost envy you actually. If I could live apart from DH now and remove the chaos giving him back HIS responsibility while keeping my relationship - well... I'd seriously consider that.
I think I am living vicariously through you lately
Wed is date night - would it be easier if you picked a night your kids are home - despite the problems of past, I always find my kids as a bit of a buffer - at least I can always chit chat with them to break up uncomfortable silence....
If you think its better on another night - or hell - go OUT somewhere. Bringing her into the house may give her false pretenses and if you are thinking never again, then maybe its best to meet at an outside neutral place - then its easier to end the night too. Can't sit somewhere forever - otherwise you will have to 'ask her to leave' after dinner.
Horrible? I don't know.
Horrible? I don't know. Would it be a deal breaker for your DH if he thought his daughter was trying and you weren't. That is a big question and time will probably tell.
Does she not have access to
Does she not have access to dinner where she is? Good grief, less than a week ago she wanted you to leave her alone, and now she wants you to leave her alone while making her dinner.
What a dork.
I get the sense that she is
I get the sense that she is manipulating. If dad won't give me the attention I want because he is focusing on Daisy, then I'll get Daisy to give me that attention to take away from Dad. She recognized she can't get invited to dinner through Dad, so she is asking you to invite her.
Does SD16 know it is date
Does SD16 know it is date night? If so call her out on it. If she does not then say not Wednesday it is date night. I agree that the comment above.
You deserve to have the time
You deserve to have the time to yourself. DH may not like that you will want to keep her out of the house til she is away at college, but you need to stand your ground. They way things have been going, he can only ignore her for a few days, then he is back to his guilty daddy ways. It is going to take a long time of him continually proving himself, for me to believe he has really changed.
I know you keep saying that you need to see proof as well, that things have changed. It isn't just seeing that it has changed, but also seeing that things don't revert back.
And I agree with others - she
And I agree with others - she targeted date night - so IF you agree to meet her - pick another night - not your alone night with DH - pick a night she would normally have DH to herself - if she really wants to do this and its not just to absorb a night her dad has with you - she will jump at it.
Then you also appear to be trying which DH can't be pissy about that.
All of these "convenient"
All of these "convenient" mistakes she keeps making? They are deliberate imo.
I can understand her being nervous about driving independently. I passed my test at 18 and avoided driving alone for a month or so because I felt too nervous, however I did take a deep a breath and got on with it.
It strikes me your sd seems to have anxiety, self sufficiency issues however these have been nutured by her parent(s) and so she uses them as a convenient crutch if anyone challenges her unhealthy practices AND when its convenient for her.
What she needs a massive dose of a loving no nonsense parent, who is strict and firm with her. So those real issues can be helped and her ridiculously manipulative ones can be smashed to smitherines.
I dont think Daisy has anything to prove. That includes her commitment to continuing to try with sd. There is only so many times you can repeat yourself, give guidance, support and love before the opposing party need to take on board and apply that. IMO DH and sd are the ONLY ones who need to prove they have changed. Daisy has talked to her sd, sat with her and already had dinner with her. There is her effort and its more than what some SM's would undertake in the same situation.
I wouldnt respond to that text. SD thinks crying, having a poor me pity party, you giving her a shoulder to cry on and getting to have a nice breakfast has fixed things imo and so she is trying it on. See where the boundaries are. She KNOWS wed is date night. If you arent satisfied with not responding then certainly ask her WHY wednesday? I would then forward her text onto DH and get him to deal with it.
If thats where you are at, the at some point you are going to have to tell DH imo.
I'm not inviting her ever but
I'm not inviting her ever but also dont want DH to get upset that i am thrilled she is gone!!!
But you are thrilled and the
But you are thrilled and the reason you're thrilled is because HE is able to spend time with you without interruption. There is nothing wrong with that. Even he noticed how much more fun life is when she isn't around creating drama. Why wouldn't you be thrilled? IF they can both effectuate change and prove it to you, I'm guessing you'd find a compromise about them returning. You might not be as thrilled with life, but you'd accept that they'd changed, were making an effort, and you would have nights of thrill while she left the two of you alone. Unfortunatley, right now (for good reason) you can't imagine a life where they come back and she isn't a pain in the ass.
Why would you feel any other
Why would you feel any other way? He has basically trained you to feel that way about this kid by letting her and her crap run his life and YOURS.
I love how he pushes you away and tell you to butt out- then when you don't go for his manipulative crap he is the victim who needs help.. which he then ignores when you try to help him.
He is controlling you both by maniulating you and by his inaction. Where do you think the kid pearned it from? I think being a bit upset would be good for him!
They have both shown you that they cannot set and stick to boundaries so you are going to have to do it.
Stick to your guns and keep date night sacred. The kid needs to have a dose of reality... and therapy.
Yes, this. Every single word.
Yes, this.
Every single word.
I would respond, no that
I would respond, no that won't work for me!
Make her explain herself more or decide herself whether to pursue it further with you!
^^^^ This ^^^^^ Sweet and to
^^^^ This ^^^^^
Sweet and to the point. She does not qualify for an explanation.
Does she know it is date night?
And in reading your other post I would say yelling at a higly strung girl to damned well drive is not a positive way of doing things.Ii didn't drive until I was 17 and I was pretty independent. She has had a lifetime of being allowed to behave this way. She will not change overnight. Her attempts to be 'better' may well come across as needy and clingy. She needs to be told "I cannot make dinner for you Weds night but Thurs night I can show you have to make my kick arse *fav dinner*. All young women need a dish they can impress people with." Then she comes over to learn skills rather than you babying her. She needs to learn to contorrl herself and not let things get to her. I think she has a spark of independence in her as she said "No I have to go by myself." when you offered to ride along with her.
Some parents have a LOT to answer for and her father turning things around so abruptly and screaming at her will not fix it. Consider it like teaching a person from China how to speak English. Being independent and positive is all new to her like a foreign language.
I don't mean to be Debbie
I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but are you sure she will leave when she is 18? I am in that dilemma right now, just waiting, praying, hoping my SD18 won't flake out and decide to stay home and go to a local college instead of the one she is suppose to go to 3 hours away. You need to figure this out, waiting for 2 years to pass so she can move out doesn't seem like a realistic plan. Based on what I have read, I doubt your SD is going to pack up and leave daddy when she is 18 just because she is legally able to. She won't even drive to the store by herself without a complete melt down. She is always going to be a part of your life if DH is...always. I wouldn't let her come Wednesday, stick to your plan to require changes, but don't expect it to magically fix itself in 2 years.
I know...That kills me the
I know...That kills me the thought she is probably never going to leave and that makes me sick!!!But I feel i need to think she might or what chance does DH and I have?
Trust me I can sympathize and
Trust me I can sympathize and empathize. I am counting the days until my SD moves away. She is not as clingy as yours, but she is manipulative and controlling. This is what I said to FDH when he kept telling me "I will talk to her, I am trying" :
In the words of the great Jedi Master, Yoda:
Do or do not, there is no try.
Actions speak louder than words. Make him change so that she will change. I am pulling for you and your DH to be together and overcome your SD's anctics.
All you need to say is "no."
All you need to say is "no." Don't go into details. Don't engage her. If she says anything else, reply "you asked, I answered. This discussion is over.˝ Then stop answering.
Honestly, this kid has done enough.
Hey Daisy, How is your MIL
Hey Daisy,
How is your MIL doing with all of this? Is she feeding SD or supporting your cause?
Oh she is thrilled SD and DH
Oh she is thrilled SD and DH are there. A friend of mine knows SIL and read on FB how i knew this would happen it was only a matter of time. They love DH miserable. So there loving this and probably feeding it.
I was wondering about this.
I was wondering about this. I remember you saying that your MIL and SIL both get on DH for "not taking care of SD"
I don't see it getting any better if that is where he had to go to. They will just feed SD's need for daddy.