I agree 100%

The issue with dating others? I do believe that in order to not bring more crap into a new relationship, we should spend some time alone without involving others. It just really complicates things. We really don't learn anything from our failed relationships unless we spend the time afterwards to get to know ourselves, what went wrong, etc...

Its really difficult when things like this happen, however your SO needs to make an effort in order to continue and heal this relationship too. It should not only be you.

I realise right now you are hurting and are missing him, the fact it seems any time or conversations you are having together is dominated by his feelings, his children, his apartment is only making you feel more isolated and distant from him as you too need reassurance through action not only words. You are not getting this atm.

Trouble in when you find yourself in that position there is a risk your need comes across as clinginess. Worse still when actually your partner actually DOES need to pull their socks up and make an effort but they are too engrossed in whatever drama is going on with their toxic kids/ex/family, as they can get crabby that they have to make the time and energy to reassure and support you so the opposite occurs. You push them away. Been there, done that. Its a vicious cycle.

You know what men find attractive? Strong, confident women. You in all probablity dont feel like that at all. I can sense your vulnerability and nerves from across the ocean. However fake it until you make it.

YOU need a confidence boost and your SO needs a reality check to jolt him from his selfish reverie. So here is the plan I am suggesting.

Go out and get your hair done. Cliche? Perhaps, however beautiful flowing locks helps invoke the inner goddess and draws on your internal self esteem. Whip out some of your favoured, attractive clothing and put on your face. Distract yourself with some fun female lunches, shoppin, theatre. Whatever floats your boat, as well as reminding yourself what you love most about having your space back at home. For example, me? I adore long hot luxurious soaks with oils, a good book, banging music and a glass of cool wine. Being able to watch whatever I want on the box in my PJ's while it is raining and knowing that if I move from my spot both my seat and my programme will remain unmeddled with (now you cant say that when selfish teens are abound)! Make damn sure your SO knows you are filling your time with fun stuff, even if you have an emotional wobble while doing this stuff do not tell him this. Take some pictures and message them over your phone to him with a friendly "Hi miss you!" SHOW him what he is missing while he is wallowing in the self inflicted self pity.

Then when you do see him/speak to him make damn sure you do not enable those woe is me conversations to continue. Lets strip it down for what it is. Your OH would NOT be living in an inadequately furnished, expensive hole of an apartment with two parasitic rude inconsiderate teens if he had 1) parented them appropriately 2) manage the entire situation with sense 3) insisted on respect for you, your home and your boys. He has created this situation and I have zero sympathy or time to pick over the bones of how awful it is for him. Either he changes things or he deals, whatever I wouldnt want to hear about it.

So when he starts on about it interupt and say "thats too bad (or something equally inane that does NOT sympathise with or support his self pity...remember he has brought it on his own head, dont continue to feed the beast) so do you fancy doing x today..."

If he point blank insists on talking about it or challenges you on your polite disinterest then say "you have already told me this...or something similar." Keep changing the subject and DO NOT tell him to shut the F up about your daughter as that will give him an excuse to be all over you like the bubonic plague. If he moans about sd then I would sweetly and with fake innocence remind him that he has been saying how wonderful princess has been lately...then change the subject.

They are HIS problems now and that is why he is actually daring to tell them what to do. When he does it, its acceptable however it was another thing when YOU did it. As he perceived it as a criticism of him. He is also having to deal with the management and mechanics of running a home autonomous from you, so he is in sole responsibility now. If his kids are being unhelpful, as they usually are, now HE is the one having to deal with the consequences of this not you anymore. Hence why he is being more proactive. Really hard to stomach but I would be sitting and gleefully watching the fireworks as its going to get old for him having to do this. The blowing smoke up sd's arse about how perfect she is being is just that, smoke. No substance. He is trying to prove her worth to you and talk himself into believing it. Again you dont need to know nor care how awful or wonderful she is being, so long as she doesnt affect you. Let him carry on with the car crash he is creating, as thats the only way he will learn!