First of all.... welcome.

Second... This>>>>my boyfriends ex wife is driving me crazy they were married for 3 years 3 years ago.she left him and their 2 kids his relationship with her makes me nervous before we dated he used to post on fb how much he missed her he is always talking about her bad or good one way our another she gets brought up she had total control of him in my opinion if she can't pick their daughter up from school he calls me to walk over and get her which is fine but he just let's her so whatever with no thought I've made a few comments about her looks and he gets mad and jumps to her defense claiming I'm insulting him...seriously?

Is the longest sentence in the history of sentences.

Sounds like your BF needs to be given an ultimatum or two. Seems as though he still wants her back. I would not tolerate my husband venting about personal things (or ANYTHING for that matter) with his exwife. Have you told him how this makes you feel? How long have you been together??? Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing? Maybe?

I totally agree... Boundaries need to be set. Then you must stick to them. However, before your relationship moves to the next level you must work things out first.

Sounds like he still has an emotional attachment to her. I have been going through something similar except my dh was married to BM for 12 years and she left him and the kids. She is always needing to call him abt something and he always feels sorry for her. I had to tell him I need some boundaries. He talked to her and hopefully things will get better. My advice would be to tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him what you need from him and if he is not willing then u have your answer

Aww, honey, the ex isn't driving you crazy, your BF is driving you crazy.

He's showing you that she means more to him than you do. It's not okay for him to discuss your medical procedures with anyone without your permission. If he was still posting about how much he missed her up until you actually started dating, he's not over her.

Saying it's for his kids is an excuse. It's a little odd that he wants to spend time with his ex's new children, IMO. He's defending her to you and feel attacked himself.

This reminds me so much of one of my friends - she dated a guy for like 2 weeks and liked him but knew there was no way in hell they'd ever be more than friends. He however, fell head over heels in love with her. She's married, he's married but we're all still friends and he'd told me on several occasions that if she told him she wanted him back, he'd drop his wife in a heartbeat and Run to her - yes even now, like 10 year later. I don't know if he's ever told Her this, but I think everyone knows. Her husband doesn't like the guy much (go figure) and she's really good about making sure they're never alone and that her husband has no reason to worry, but I can only imagine what the wife thinks/feels about all of it. I often wonder why she stays, particularly since that marriage doesn't seem to be going so well. Surprise surprise.

He's showing you where you are on the priority list and particularly if he's still defending her and confiding in her, he's still into her.

I agree with tell him how you feel - ie, I felt betrayed when I found out that you had told her about my surgery, that is very personal and not something I wanted shared. See what he says. If he keeps defending himself, making excuses and explaining why he wasn't wrong or doesn't actually commit to changing, you deserve better and he's not going to give it to you.

Moving is different than a kid and mortgage. I agree with the others that he has to get over her in order to move on with you. His ex isn't the problem he is and he's using the kids as an excuse to continue with the status quo.
"He's showing you where you are on the priority list and particularly if he's still defending her and confiding in her, he's still into her." This statement right here is why my ex and I divorced every female but ME his wife (at the time) was his priority, this is the type of man who will take her (or anyone else for that matter) to the ER but let you drive yourself and stay there alone. Please rethink YOUR needs he has to make changes not say he will actions, actions, actions!
(yes a little of my own personal animosity is thrown in)

Consider the possibility that you need to move on. If he is using her for emotional support in this way, he hasn't given up on her. Is that a battle you want to fight?

She may be the target of your anger but he is the one with the problem here.