NEW HERE
Hi everyone!
I'm new here. I found this site searching for step parent advice. I just had the shock of my life. I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 years. My husband and I live in the city. We are both career oriented. We have worked very hard to climb the corporate ladder. We have a loft in the city and we both enjoy a nice quiet life. I made it clear to my husband before we were married that I did not want children and he agreed. Neither of us were married before.
About a month ago, he received a phone call from a woman he had a one night stand with 5 years earlier. She told him they had a child together. She wanted my husband to start paying child support. We hired an attorney and ordered a paternity test. The little girl is his. Now my husband is wanting to be apart of her life. I understand that he wants to do the right thing, but he is expecting me to jump on board. He wants to move out of the city and buy a house. He wants to change so many things that I love about our life. He has changed.
I understand that she is his responsibility and I understand that he wants to step up. This is all very difficult for me, as I didn't want children. I am trying to adjust, but I didn't ask for this. I have no idea how to be a step parent.
We have met his daughter twice, with her mother present. It was very awkward for me. As soon as my husband met his daughter, it's like a flip switched, and now he is all about being a Dad. She's a quiet girl, she seems nice. I just have no idea what to do with her. Our attorney is working on a custody arrangement, and I know my husband wants to see her frequently. My question is what do I do with her? Am I supposed to build a relationship with her. Is she going to be okay with that? Is her mother going to be okay with it? I have no clue what to do with a 5 year old.
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I don't like the idea of
I don't like the idea of changing my life. I also don't like the idea ov living without my husband. I'm scared that he is changing into a different person now that he is a parent, and I'm still holding on to who he was before he knew he was a parent.
I told him I didn't want to move out of the city. He agreed to hold off, but he is actively looking. I don't know if I can endure all of these changes. If I agree to them, and then I'm miserable, I will have flipped my world upside down. I just don't know.
Thank you for your input.
He needs to decide what is
He needs to decide what is more important as well, and how to compromise. It is NOT fair to you, so he should be as understanding as possible. But it sounds like he has already made up his mind.
No one has the right to make your life miserable, and if you believe it is going to be, then, you will have to make a choice. You love your husband yes, but remember to love yourself too.
Couldn't have said it better.
Couldn't have said it better. Not what you signed up for--bought apples, came home with oranges, you have a right to return the produce. I'm sorry but it's not fair to ask you to give up everything when you had no part in this.
I feel so horrible for you.
He doesn't plan on having her
He doesn't plan on having her full time, but I know that he would like joint custody? I don't really know what type of arrangement the mother is willing to make, or what the options he has.
He wants to move out of the city and back to his hometown, which is also where his daughter and her mother live. He had a big yard growing up, and now imagines playing with his little girl in a yard with a swing set. Our loft is not kid friendly. It could be made kid friendly I guess. I wouldn't even know where to start.
The stories on here are
The stories on here are intimidating. Is it really this crazy to have a step child? My original thoughts were to give it a time limit and see if I can blend into this position, and be happy about it.
Rajuncajun, don't fret. In my
Rajuncajun, don't fret. In my own personal opinion, the stories on here are, by definition, extreme, becuase those are the people who need to vent. The happy stepparents aren't posting on here, so you have some selection bias.
I have had very little problem, and none at all that cannot be solved by a) talking to DH and b) time. When I get irritated, I read here and realize that many people have it WAY worse than I do.
Doesn't mean you will. Everyone is different, every situation is different. I'd give it a chance with a full heart and an open mind!
It could be the best or the
It could be the best or the worst experience you've ever had. It's hard to be a step parent if they live in your house and you have the ex to deal with all the time...continual input on how to do it, but not actually doing it themselves. But if you can just be the adult friend, it won't be bad. Maybe then the other woman won't be competitive with you and you'll still get the benefit of a child in your life. I think you're in error though to change your life so drastically so soon. Talk a lot to your husband and be straight. Good luck!
I'm new to all of this so
I'm new to all of this so sorry if I seem ignorant. Why would I have to deal with her mother all the time? Wouldn't they just take their daughter on the times the court arranged,and that's the end of it? Why would she feel the need to be competitive with me? I am an only child, and my parents have been married 30 years. I'm not familar with the whole step parenting world.
Yikes, really tough one. I
Yikes, really tough one.
I really think you have two choices. You back out now because you're right, this isn't the life you chose and you didn't sign up for this. OR, you accept that you married your husband for better or worse, you accept that life doesn't always happen the way we think it will, and you jump in and try to make the best of it. If you go into this situation when you really don't want to, you and your husband will just become resentful.
I definitely recommend the marriage counseling too, preferably with someone who understands blended families.
From reading on the site for a very long time, I think the thing that makes the biggest difference on how your step life turns out is your husband's behavior. If you agree to do this (for him), then he needs to educate himself on how not to be a guilty daddy who lets his little girl grow up to walk all over both of you and make your life hell. He needs to really be supportive of you too during this process. One of the books people talk about a lot on here is "Step Monster"...usually I think people end up reading it after their lives are already in turmoil, but maybe it would good for you both to read now (if you decide to stick it out), to see how you can avoid the pitfalls that have caused other step parents so much heartache.
Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes!
Regardless of what you
Regardless of what you decide, I must bring up the fact that a lot of us deal with crazy BMs on this site, and the crazy BM rubs off on the children, and that a lot of the time, if our BMs were just "normal" everyone would be a lot better off. You're one up on some of us- at least the mother of this child was what she was, a one night stand, and she knows that. They never had a relationship that she's trying to salvage and she isn't trying to "ruin" your relationship with your husband. I would go with what was suggested earlier and try a marriage counselor. I've found that's the "easiest" was to talk about things openly and honestly because in that session you feel safe. Your husband needs to be honest with you about his intentions and to the extent of these intentions regarding this child, and it sounds like he is trying to be. Whatever he decides to do with it, you must then make your OWN decision to stay or leave. But if you stay, buckle up. Even if you only get every other weekend visitation, it's definitely a roller coaster. I wish you the best of luck, and welcome to our crazy community!! ((((hugs))))
Wow, great advice here! I
Wow, great advice here! I want to honor my vows to my husband. I love him. I would be concerned if he wanted to turn his back on this child. I would commend any man that wanted to take responsibilty of a child he had no knowledge of, I guess it's different when it is going to change your own life.
Marriage counseling is definetly something I am going to talk to my husband about. I am a planner, and I would like a firm plan on how things are going to handled in our home.
I know very little about her mother. My husband doesn't know much about her either. Our two meetings were awkward, but it was an awkward situation.
A second home sounds like a nice idea. That could be a good compromise to counter offer to my husband. I do love my loft!
Thank you all so much for your advice. I am not sure how long this whole process takes, but I will keep you updated. Thanks for caring.
I agree. I am so curious as
I agree. I am so curious as to why she waited so long to tell my husband. I have been very suspicious that money is her motivation. She hasn't given any reasons as to why she waited so long. Maybe it will come out eventually.
Not that it's right, but I
Not that it's right, but I can see why women do this. One night stand, think you can do it on your own, don't want to burden the guy with a kid he never wanted to begin with, etc etc...
I agree with a poster above that she probably got in over her head and realizes she's having a hard time supporting her by herself. So, in a way, I'm sure money is her motivation. Not neccesarily that she's going to try and scam you guys out of all your money, but raising a kid is expensive and she probably needs the help. Maybe she also realized that her daughter is going to start asking questions soon so she came to her senses that her dad should be part of her life. (I realize this is completely giving her the benefit of the doubt).
Who knows. You may never know the truth, but like I said before...life is all about surprises. Nothing ever happens like we think or expect so you either roll with the punches and try and enjoy the ride or spend your life being pissed and banging your head against a wall over things you have no control over.
This is just crazy. I would
This is just crazy. I would be in complete shock right now if I were you.
I think that if you stay with your DH, that this is going to take time. It's new for everybody. You know one of the nice things that you have going for you is your not coming into the picture like many of us have. With a disney dad and kids that think they are aldults and will do anything to pull their father away from you so that they can have all of the attention. That one used to drive me nuts.
I think that taking a step back and just going with the flow right now is all you need in order to build a relationship with this little girl. Start with small things like asking her questions about what he favorite thing to is or what he favorite color is, you know trying to get to know her, taking her out for ice cream, taking her to the park. All relationships take time. You may not know what you're doing now but to be honest with you no parent really knows what to do when their first child is born. It's all trial and error. At least you're not being spit up on or having to change nasty diapers.
In regards to your DH wanting to change everything about your lives, I really think that you need to talk with him about how you feel. There needs to be a compramise here between the two of you. You are married and all decesions need to be talked about first. He doesn't get to make decesions just about himself and what he wants anymore. I also agree with the many posts about talking to a professional as well. This person may be able to shed some light on the whole thing or at least point you in the right direction.
About the BM, you do have the advantage of them not having a relationship prior to your marriage but always watch your back. There are some crazy women out there who will slap a smile on there face while hiding a knife behind there back. This was how my FDH's ex was. I won't even get into that.
This may be the best thing that could have happened to you or the worst. The choice is yours. Just remember with no risk there's no reward. The unknown is always scary. It's unpredictable and you never know how it's going to end but that's just how life is.