I was so upset yesterday, I think with the panic attacks and everything else things are just so overwhelming.

SO got home from work and I was still pretty pissed about earlier so I asked him "whats your plan then?"

He says,"plan for what?"

I told him well what are you planning on doing about this custody issue?
and then I freaked out and told him that I'm sick of my life being on hold, and I knew what I getting into when we started dating but Im sick of my life being on hold and it was going to continue being on hold until he figured out how he was going to take care of his mistakes.

I am almost 23 years old, I want to get married and have babies, I am well on my way in my career, we have a nice home together but he CAN NOT support 2 women at once. He fucked up and knocked up this slut and now I am paying for it.

WE NEED 50/50 before we can move on in our lives.

I cried because I realized how much deep down this was really hurting me that I can't have a baby right now. It hurts me that we can't get married right now and that I had to forbid him from proposing until this is figured out and he just wants to "wait it out".

we can't start our family because we only have a 2 bedroom home (technically 4 but the basement isnt finished yet) and where would we put a new baby? We can't have a baby because I refuse to get pregnant if I'm not married, and we can't get married until we get 50/50...because I am NOT going to spend my marriage kissing BMs ass and paying her money to sit on her ass all effing day. So the cycle continues.

I feel like a horrible person because our life would be perfect (ish) if he hadn't gotton BM pregnant 2 years ago. We wouldnt be broke all the time, we wouldnt have to deal with this shit. But shit is what we have and I am doing my best to deal and make something out of it but its just not fair.

Why should she have a daughter with him? They barely even dated and she doesnt even want her! Shes just using her as a pawn in her crazy manipulative little games.

after a long talk, SO agreed (again) that we should take steps to getting back in court to get custody motified. I told him he can try it his way first but as soon as BM trys anything we are going to be in court so fast.

Oh and get this shit- the mediator asked SO about me and SO told him that in the beggining I tried so hard to make it so we all got along and BMs response was to falsly accuse me of stalking and threatening to kill her and got a ppo against me. The mediator told him that I basically needed to be put in my place and I shouldnt be forcing friendships on annyone! Well fuck you very much then! first of all, I wasnt "forcing" my friendship on anyone I was trying to communicate with her when she would just scream insanitys at SO. And speaking of "forcing" people to get along...isn't that what the mediator is doing?? you stupid ignorant fuck!

Oh and he tells SO that he will most likely never get 50/50 because the childs place is with the mother and he started spewing a bunch of scientific bullshit about the "bond" between a mother and a child and endorphins and a bunch of other bullshit. yeah ok buddy.

Well guess what? We're going to do this SOs way, I am going to leave the house for a few hours next week and SO is going to invite BM over to talk and he is going to try to convince her to modify the schedule without going to court...we already have proof that she is perfectly fine with SO spending a ton of time with SD so when she starts her normal bullshit of "your house isnt safe" and "Lady hits SD" and all the other bullshit she can think of, then we are taking her back to court and thats that.

sorry this got so long, Im having a rough week lol