Need advice from people who understand.
Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in forever but with getting married and starting a new job everything's gotten so busy. DH and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. For those who don't know ill give you some background. I'm 25 I have a masters in Nursing, I have a good job, my husband and known our own home in a good neighborhood and school district, DH also has a good job. We've been together 4 years married only 5 months. We have "most" custody of his children. I say that bc we have them every Tuesday through Friday and every other weekend. She gets them Sunday and Monday nights. It's a weird split but we hope to have that changed in may (different blog, it's been continued 4 times now...) and while they're with us I am the one that takes care of them bc DH works long hours and I work nights so it works well for us that i do dinnet homework baths, he reads to them and puts them to bed and gets them up and has breakfast with them, anyway, his children are SD5 (6 soon) and SD7; BM is awful. I have no children. Our issue is stemming from that DH wants to have another child before he's 40 (he will be 34) but he doesn't really "care" one way or another. He wars what I want and I've always wanted children. But I just think about it and I get overwhelmed and am having super anxiety about it. Obviously it isn't the "right" time huh?! Haha. Part of my problem is that I'm nervous about blending the children together. I've also had issues conceiving in the past so I'm scared of that too. Like, better to make the decision myself than to have my body make the decision for me. Anyway, my question is for step mothers with custody of their step children who then have children with their DH. How do you do it? How did your step children react/handle it?
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I'm wondering the same
I'm wondering the same thing...
My DH has 2 daugthers (ages 4
My DH has 2 daugthers (ages 4 & 6). We have 1 bio son together (7 months) and I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant. When the girls had been told about my 1st pregnancy with their brother, they were very happy. I believe it brought me closer to them for a period of time...they would rub my tummy and want to always be close to me. But things changed drastically witht he way I felt towards them. For example: If they were sick (WHICH THEY ALWAYS ARE) I didn't want them near me. I would pack my things up and leave my house and go stay with my Mother. I didn't want to risk my health or my pregnancy because of them at all. And honestly, after the baby was born, it got worse. I had my son in September. Of course, the weekend after I had him was their weekend to visit and they were BOTH sick! I scooped up my newborn, our belongings and left the house. Caused a huge blowout between DH and I but again, I feel strongly about these kids not IMPOSING sickness of my newborn - or me. This honestly went on every single time they were at my home from September to February! My relationship was strained because of it but it also brought it to the attention of my DH that his children are ALWAYS SICK and as a mother to an infant, I put him before my DH's daughters ANY DAY. I've sensed a lot of jealousy from my DH's older daugther towards my son, and towards our "relationship" (me, my DH and our son). He's even told me that she told him that "Da da you only care about Ally and the baby. You don't care about me.) And of course, because my DH is guilt ridden, he tries to overcompensate.
We are planning on telling the kids this weekend about my pregnancy... Now that there's jealousy and all other emotions floating I'm not sure how this is going to go over.
I can tell you that as soon as I had my baby, it was all about him and I began looking at my DH's daugthers as a threat to our well being. Anything and everything they do I watch like a hawk. I worry about how their wild, ill mannered behaviors are going to impact my son. I worry that all of their behavioral and emotional delays are going to effect him.
There have been several occasions where I see them doing things: While my son is napping, my older SD will go into the room and flicker the lights to try and wake him up. Or, one of them will scream loudly to scare him. Things like that also turn me against them.
I decided to have another baby for ME. As selfish as that sounds. I had my 1st one for ME, and now my 2nd. I feel that just because my DH has 2 other kids, it doesn't mean I should be deprived of being a biological Mother. But I have to tell you it's stressful. I'm not a woman who easily has taken to this blended family stuff. And if my DH had his daugthers full time, or even for the amount of time you have your skids, I wouldn't have ever been with him. If I could have made this decision all over again, I would have never chosen to be with a man that has children. That my honest to God truth.
Thank you so much for being
Thank you so much for being honest!! Those are part of my fears about this situation. I love my stepchildren. But SD5 is soooo competitive and must have all attention on her all the time. My best friends baby is 4 months old and every time he's over she just...gets bratty and acts out. I'm worried it will strain our relationship bc I am like a mother bear with my best friends baby, and knowing that I've always wanted children I worry that I would strangle my SD is anything happened to my child bc of her. We've looked in to possible counseling for them if/when we do get pregnant just to give them both someone neutral to talk to about their true feelings. SS7 wants me to have a baby, and talks about another brother or sister all the time. I know though that when the time comes, I'm making a concious effort not to tell them until at LEAST 2nd trimester and probably not until further bc they will tell BM and she will make a huge deal and cause undo stress to me and then...I may not be able to stop myself from hurting her. I get mad thinking about it. I know she will say stupid bs like that's not your brother/sister or whatever to the kids. She's freaking nuts. Oh, and I agree with the if he had the kids all the time when we got together I would've ran like the wind. This situation came about later in our relationship and so I got kind of eased in to it. If his situation when I met him would've been this...I never would've given him a second thought!!
You are a way better woman
You are a way better woman than me simply for that fact that you love your stepchildren, and because you stayed after the visitation changed to "most" of the time. And being that you're a way better woman, you deserve to have children of your own and experience motherhood. It's love and happiness like no other.
I do not love my SD's at all. I "tolerate" them. I "like" them from time to time. Anything I do for them is "forced" or because there is a purpose behind it.
Honestly, I find I LOVE my friend's children and show them more patience, love and attention than I do at all for my SD's.
My best advice is to not deprive yourself of the experience. I've always said, and I still say to this day... Me, and mine (my blood) come before them. I tell my DH that almost every day.
Absolutely!! And, at least to
Absolutely!! And, at least to me, that's how it should be!! Which is why I have such a hard time with it too though; MY child will be MINE and my DHs, but my skids will be HIS too and I'm worried I'll feel "jealous" for lack of a better word of their relationship even more. So I'm worried I'll pick my DH apart for favoring the skids. Afterall he like many DHs suffers from guilty dad syndrome and I refuse to sit back and let my child be treated differently. I also am sad that this won't be the first for all of this for my DH. I know that's silly and immature and I knew before I married him he had children but it does make me sad it won't be the first time he will feel a baby kick or being born. Even though BM had a c section so my only "hope" is delivering naturally and then I can get my "first" too. Sometimes I think I put too much stock in those things.
Aww, Hun! No! You cannot
Aww, Hun! No! You cannot think like that! Even though he's been through this twice before, he HASN'T been through this with you. It doesn't matter whether you delievery natrually or via c-section. It doesn't matter if you have twins. It doesn't matter whether you have an epidural or attempt to be superwoman. None of that matters in the long run. Trust me! The most important aspect is that he's by your side and he's experiencing it with you. Worrying about all that only puts extra jealousy and stress on the pregnancy. Would you want that? No. You won't need it. Being pregnant and having to deal with skids is ENOUGH!
I thought about ALL of that too, just like you. I felt like he had two daugthers, he's been through this, it's not "special" to him. And you know what, it wasn't as "exciting" for him as it was for me - he even admitted to that. But, it was still "special". I was THRILLEd to claim that I had his 1st son. But looking back, IT DOESN'T MATTER because he loves his daugthers like they're the only children in the world and favors them due to guilt. Our son is too little to interact with him the ways they do. He can't express himself yet. But regardless, my DH doesn't feel "remorse", or "guilt" towards our son. He does immensely favor his daugthers. They do get special treatment, they do get alot of his attention. He's always on the defense for them. He's always more for them than he is for us. It's cause a lot of resentment in our relationship. It's honestly our ONLY problem between us...
My jealousy level is always soaring. He's always worried that his daugthers feel left out, neglected, jealous, unloved. Quite frankly, he could give a shit how we're feeling.
I'm honestly going to tell you that I had my son, and now this baby, for ME. No one else. Afterall, it's SO lonely being with a man who has children. It's even lonlier when they have 2 daugthers!!!! I make it a point to do EVERYTHING for MYSELF on my own terms. Hey, who else is going to make me happy? My DH will drop me like a hot potato for his daughters...
Well...he's only been
Well...he's only been "through this" one time. When BM got pregnant with SS7 she was cheating on her then fiancé with DH and wanted it to be her fiances baby, so DH didn't meet SS7 until he was 4 months old for paternity testing. SS7 was obviously his and they made a go of things. IMO she got pregnant with SD5 on purpose to "seal the deal" if you will. We found out later that she was cheating on DH almost the entire time they were together (they got divorced bc she got caught...long story, another blog) but I REALLY don't think SD5 is his. She doesn't look like him and (of course I didn't bring this up bc well...that's not something you just say) my MIL told me one night, after a few margaritas, that she didn't believe SD5 was his either. Only thing is, DH LOVES SD5 and in our state even if it's proven you're not the father, if you're on the birth certificate and have been for more than 2 years (they weren't married at the time) they won't bastardize a child and you're still legally "responsible" so even though the thought crosses my mind to go to Walgreens and buy an OTC paternity test, it would do nothing but break DHs heart and I just can't. But it does "bother" me. He has a boy, he has a girl, I can't give him anything "special" or "new" and that's where I get selfish. I would be having a child for ME and my own benefit only. He tells me he wants a child with me but we argue like crazy about it bc he always has said when I'm finished with school then we can start trying. Like I said, I have my masters now, so that "excuse" is out the window. I'm also on Depo and I've heard it can take 12-18-24 months to conceive after getting off on it and I've also miscarried at 17 weeks 6 years ago. I don't know if I could handle that again. When I was 19 it was a very sad thing and I certainly wasn't "ready" not married, looking back pretty random boyfriend, and while I look back on it now I see it as an everything happens for a reason kind of thing, it absolutely weighs on my decision now. I'm terrified of going through the pain of dealing with that again. Especially with the added stress of BM, skids, and everything else. It's just easier sometimes to just say, well let's wait, rather than buckle up and start trying. And now I'm rambling. Thank you so much for being honest! I just want to go in to this with as much info and knowledge as possible.
Atmywitsend, what would you
Atmywitsend, what would you do if your husband has to have his girls full time? (Death or BM screws up)
Honestly... I believe I
Honestly... I believe I would leave him.
If this were to happy any time soon - I would definitely leave.
Otherwise, I'd have to seriously evaluate if his childrens issues, behaviors, disabilities has improved enough to where I'm comfortable living with them full-time.
If BM died, that would relieve a lot of stress off of me and my relationship. Them living with me would force them to have no choice but to comform to the way I'd like my house to run. But still...
My heart tells me I'd be better off leaving that situation.
God forbid!