Alright-here is my honest opinion-what u said in anger is half true n you n Fiancé need to seriously consider the older son moving in with dad full time....it WILL get worse as he gets older n there will not b a whole lot you can do about it since you are not Bio dad! One of three things will happen: 1) he asks dad to live with him-dad says no-son rebels but eventually will respect you once he sees that u have stepped to the plate where dad has not. 2) he will move in with dad n it will b great for everyone except your soon to be wife because she is losing her son n he may forever resent her or you....3) he moved down there-sees what a POS dad is n begs to come back which you let under the agreement that he behaves...

Only you know which situation is more probable, but I would bet on #3!! If him moving down there is not an option, then u need to set some house rules n possibly make sure that he has his own "room" n put absolutely nothing but a bed in it for him-let him earn the luxuries in life-but disrespecting you is one thing (after all you r the enemy that took his dad from him n moved him to this awful place! Get used to it! ) but having a complete lack of respect for his mom should show you some insight as to the type of parent that his mom is if she tolerates that. I have a 10 year old son myself n a SS9 n they r night n day...because I made sure my son respects adults n is a gentleman....period! I am the parent n as such-I run this house....however I am the enemy that took his dad away by having more sons with DH to SS9....n as such-am definitely NOT his parent-but how he acts is no reflection on me...I am pretty disengaged with him since he tells mommy n daddy that I'm mean to him...n by that he means that I send him to time out because apparently I'm the only one that disciplined him....so yep-that's me....MEAN!

We used the threat of change of venue to our state of residence several times during the ~17+ years that my SS was under a CO.

Texas law allows for change of venue if the child has resided in Texas for more than 6mos. This gave us big leverage over the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan.

If we had changed venue to Texas from the Peoples Republic of SpermLand (Oregon) CS would have nearly trippled. Visitation would have also doubled and no amount of money would be worth exposing my SS to the shallow and poluted end of his gene pool any more than necessary so we never actually changed venue.

But we sure held the triple CS threat over their heads as a behavior modification tool and smacked them about the head and shoulders with it occassionally.

The CO is the framework and best tool for managing the blended family oppostion. However, it is not the only tool. Look for any Supplemental Rules that may be in place in both your county and state of residence and in the county/state where the CO is currently active. Then take the parts of the CO, supplmental rules and state laws from whatever jurisdiction that will motivate the behavior from DickHead that you want and beat the snott out of him with them.

As Echo pointed out, most states require a 2yr wait between CS or Custody/Visitation/Support CO mods except in the event of a significant change in circumstance. But .... major change of circumstance is rarely well defined by the state or county. So, if you think you have a reason to modify, make a motion to modify. Change of state of residence is definatly a major change of circumstance, lack of suitable housing is also grounds for a modification of the CO, loss of a job, arrests and convictions, etc, etc, etc... all are possible justification to modify regardless of how long or short it has been since the last modification.

Even in the event that a request for modification is denied the most likely impact will be that the judge re-sets the 2yr clock from the date of the denied modification. Not a huge deal particularly if you are on the CP side of the blended family fence. For the NCP who is motivated to modify their CS obligation downward resetting the clock can be a big deal. This is yet another tool that the CP side of the equation can use if the NCP is trying to weasle out of something.

Unfortunately the NCP side is usually at a major disadvantage. I am the CSP in our situation and even I can recognize that the NCPs generally get hosed. But when the opposition is a DickHead DipShit SpermIdiot or a toxic vitriolic WombDonor I have no problem using whatever leverage and advantage that is available whether it is within the system or not. Short of breaking the law of course. }:)

Private investigators are also a good tool to develop leverage. Sending correspondence on law firm letterhead to the opposition outlining what evidence will be made public in court if the opposition does not step immediately in to line works pretty well. Particularly when the oppostion is too stupid to make good decisions regarding their own behaviors.

My son's (SS-19) SpermIdiot has 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas. Two who were under age when the children were born. My wife was 16 when my SS (his oldest and our only) was born and the SpermIdiot was 23. He went on to have three more by two more baby mamas. He supports none of his children. SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa paid his CS obligation for my son they paid the CS obligation for #2 until her baby mama dumped her on their front porch and now they raise the younger three in their home with no help from their idiot son who lives rent free in a property that they own and drives their hand me down vehicles.

The only person I detest more in this situation than the SpermIdiot is SpermGrandMa who enables his bullshit and is a total control freak.

Fortunately we learned how to keep them pummelled in to submission fairly early in our blended family adventure.

I have been dad to my SS-19 since he was 1yo. He is my kid and it is my job as his dad to protect him from idiots even when the primary idiot is his Biological Father.

All in my layman's opinion of course.

My perspective is a bit different than that of BlueBell and Echo.

I am of the opinion that a Sparent is a parent and has an equity stake and say in all decisions that occur in our homes and in our families including parenting.

I for one would not abdicate any of my own self appointed rights to have an equity say in the decisions in my family. I am an equity parent to my wife as far as raising our son (my SS) is concerned and I damned sure have a superior parental position to that of my SS's entire SpermClan including his "father". Even if the NCP is actually paying their CS obligations the CSP is very likely investing far more in to raising the kid than the NCP is. Both financially and parentally. In our case the $110/mo to $385/mo in CS that the CO stipulated from the SpermIdiot has had nearly zero impact in the opportunities, top notch school districts, nice neighborhoods/communities that my SS has been raised in since he was 1yo.

Of course the law applies no more or less to me and gives me no more authority or rights than it does to any other Sparent ... which is absolutely ZERO by the way. But I am of the mind that as my wifes partner/husband and my SKids full time dad that I will take any and every authority I choose and do what I want with that authority whenever I want to do it until someone with a bigger stick than I have tells me that I can't.

Certainly the blended family opposition does not even come close to having that big of a stick.

A judge does but only while I am in that judges court room. Once I step out of that court room I do what I want, when I want as far as protecting the best interests of my Skid and my family and will even campaign agressively against that judge during re-election if the judge is an idiot. They really dislike seeing a full page ad in their local paper clearly outlining a stupid ruling in a family law case when an election is approaching. }:)

My wife also has a more than adequate sized stick to make a decision and to tell me to back off. On the rare occassion that we have not been in agreement on a Skid/Blended Family Opposition issue and she puts her foot down I step back and cover her while she addresses the issue. After all, she is the CP. Regardless of the situation our marriage is the priority for both of us. Applying the benefits of our marriage to provide for the best interests of my Skid is a priority for both us. We are equity partners in all things in life including parenting. Sometimes I take the lead on an issue, sometimes she does. That is how it works in equity partnerships. At least in ours.

Sure, your Skid's BioDad has rights. But only as much as are stipulated in the CO and only as much as as you and your FDW agree to let him excersize those rights. This works just as well from the NCP perspective as it does from the CP perspective in my opinion though my own experiences are from the CSP quarter of the CP/CSP/NCP/NCSP playground.

We have had no problem working with my SS's SpermCLan when they are reasonable. When they are not reasonable they have one choice. Do what we say when we say or suffer the consequences of their decision to do otherwise. Since we abide very strictly by the CO, 99% of the time we have been covered. The remaining 1% of the time when we may not have been covered in our decisions by the CO they were too stupid or uninformed to realize it.

The side that knows the CO inside and out, any supplemental rules and regs inside and out and applicable state law inside and out has the distinct advantage in a blended family situation.

It amazes me how few people seem to take the time to even read their CO much less know it well enough to understand what it really says.

Of course this is only my opinion developed over my nearly 18 year blended family experience and is no more valid than anyone elses opinion and experience.

I would suggest that you take you own perspectives, a bit of everyone elses and formulate your own blended family management strategy. Adjust as necessary. Everyone on STalk has viable and valuable experiences that you can leverage.

Good luck.