still no improvement
So for a while now I have given up on my relationship with DH I've been here haven't left physically but I have in every other way possible. DH hasn't even noticed that I've pulled away usually I hug him every time we pass in the house I'm generally very affectionate but I stopped sitting near him on the couch or trying to snuggle in bed I would sleep on the couch if I wasn't so uncomfortable. DH seems perfectly fine with all this. Well this evening all the kids were in the kitchen with DH while I was taking a bath. I could hear SS5 telling DH about school something he was very enthusiastic about when I walk into the kitchen SS stops mid sentence and goes completely silent and gives me the death glare I usually get, right in front of DH. I'm not wanted in my own home unless its to cook dinner or buy them something. DH did get on to SS for the way he acted but it's the same speech SS hears about 4 times each week. I just feel like screaming for him to get the fuck out of my house. I hate that I am raising this ungrateful child and I give him everything I give my children. I feel like he is taking from them. I cant help but to be in a bad mood when he is around I'm tired of these go to hell looks and the lying to me and the acting out towards me. His mother wants nothing to do with him I do it all and I get treated like shit everyday. I am almost certain my relationship would be better with DH if we didnt have to fight over SS constantly. I feel like this will be coming to a head very soon. I think he would leave me if I treated SS like shit so why am I expected to take this treatment from a 5yr old? I am going to tell him just that. He needs to find somewhere else for SS to live and if DH feels like he needs to go with SS I would be hurt but I would understand especially if things keep going the way they are now
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I hear the sadness and defeat
I hear the sadness and defeat in what you say . How frustrating to open your home, love, resources to a child who lashes out with so much emotional hostility.
It sounds like your dh notices this behavior and doesn't approve which is good however his parenting skills are lacking. He should have a consequence not just a verbal reprimand and that consequence should fit the offence. I'd say he was to be immediately banned to his room, see how he likes feeling ostrasized. And then he would have to write you an apology or give you a verbal one.
From the little I've read hear I feel there is hope if you want your marriage to work. I hear that you want him but not the child. I understand on some level how you feel but I don't have to live day in and day out with it. When its particularly bad I take advantage of all the alone time (or in your case time with just you and your kids) I can get. But your ss is 5 and he doesn't have the emotional tools you have, to expect him to is unrealistic. He has to be taught. From the little I've read hear things can be turned around with effective parenting and realistic expectations from everbody.
Have you read stepmonster? Are you willing to see a counselor?
I hope the best for you whichever way you go. *hugs
I really wish that sending
I really wish that sending him to his room would help but in his case it won't he tries to spend all his time in his room to avoid me and we have to ground him from his room he hides in his closet to avoid me. I've been to the bookstore looking for stepmonster but they didnt have it I plan to order it from a website. I had a counselor that I was seeing but we ended my sessions because there was no more need for them I can start back. SS has been on a waiting list for the past 3mos to get into counseling the system here for children that need counseling seems to be screwed up maybe too many kids with problems and not enough therapists. I told DH how I feel this morning and he is trying but to me he is making it worse he told SS that I am better than BM because I care about him, he told him that he was being mean and mean people end up in jail. I think he may be at his wits end with SS also, we've tried everything we can think of. I told DH to stop telling him these things they are going to make it worse. He wanted to make SS sit next to me, he wanted to make him talk to me every time he saw me in the house. I told him these were bad ideas SS will only get worse and hate me more if he is forced to interact with me especially if he gets in trouble for not talking to me etc.
^^^agree^^^ he is doing a lot
^^^agree^^^ he is doing a lot of damage.
There is no way in hell that
There is no way in hell that this man is putting his back in to it. If he really wanted to adjust this kids attitude, he could. He has obviously chosen not to.
I think he has a little bitterness towards you. He knows the kids is wrong but at the same time, you're forcing your opinion on him and he doesn't like it. With that said, the outcome is typically passive-aggressive behavior. In other words, if this kid said something negative about in your absence, it's very doubtful that your husband would reprimand him at all.
If one of my kids did these things at five, I would have easily been able to turn them around. I'm sure you could too. This kid is five for pete's sake! I smell an f-you attitude from this man. Just my opinion.
And as far as HOW to turn this boy around. He needs to be forced to need you. Plain pshycology of children. If he wants something and he asks dad. Dad should say, I'm not sure ask stepmom. If this kid is taught from his father, that you have authority and that your opinion and input is important, he will change. If he knows that you are equal to his father, his will change. He will learn the desire to please you. That will make you like him. He will change.
I think it has gotten this
I think it has gotten this bad because DH didnt believe his son could act this way. I would tell him about the things SS did to act out and I told DH that SS was doing these things to try to anger me but DH would act like I was exaggerating or he's just a boy he's going to do things different from my girls. Its only been in the past 2 weeks or so that SS has started acting this way in front of DH even though he's been doing it to me for over a year. If SS doesn't want to respect me and DH doesn't make him why is it wrong of me to tell DH that I will no longer raise his son? DH works full time and goes to college he leaves early in the morning and gets home late at night 2 days out of the week so I am left doing most of the parenting during weekdays. I don't think SS should be allowed to live in my home and continue to treat me this way in front of my BD's if he wants to treat someone bad he can go live with BM and do it to her.
is SS living with BM a real
is SS living with BM a real option? and you would still have to deal with him EOW, not easy if your DH doesn't nip the disrespect in the bud.
i think the big problem hear is your dh...he needs some parenting skills desperately.
i would read everything i could on how to change behavior.
you have every right to say that ss can no longer live with you, but how would you respond if your dh said this about your BDs?
what are your goals? what do you want? do you want to work with your dh to find a way to figure out how to make life bearable with ss or do you want ss gone at all costs even the cost of your marriage?
Idk if SS living with BM is
Idk if SS living with BM is an option I just feel like I should not be responsible for SS 24/7 with the way things are going if. DH cannot control him he should at least give BM a call and say hey I need your help with our kid, right? I don't want SS gone I'm just frustrated and dealing with this most of the time on my own if SS is miserable and I am miserable I just think it would be easier on SS and I if we didnt have so much time to get on each other's nerves if he did come EOW then maybe I wouldn't have to be the disciplinarian and we could do fun things together and try to build a relationship.