Adult SD20 won't allow me around and hates me after 5 years of being with her dad....help!
I have been engaged and living with my fiance for 4 years, together for 5. He has 3 adult children. Ages 24, 22, 20. I get a long great with the two boys, but the daughter age 20 refuses to let me into her life. She will only visit her dad if I'm not around.
We agreed to limit her visits to short n simple lunches, and always invite her to everything we do. Ofcourse, after asking ...will she be there....she never comes. Her reason is that she can't handle seeing her dad with anyone but her mom. I have only been around her twice in 5 years for dinner and went out of my way to be pleasant.
Problem: My fiance now wants to change the structure of their relationship and begin doing more with her. Day outings, movies, dinners, hiking, anything that entails time and fun things with her. My problem is we have always done these fun things as a family. Now because of her "rule" I will be forced to stay home while fiance and his daughter or kids go off and enjoy their day. Is this fair, when it's her that chose this. She is an adult that is dividing a family into 2.
Fiance works out of town during the week. To me, the weekends are for everyone. Everyone is invited. It is her choice not to go. Now the only one without a choice is me.
Help!!
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Comments
No, it's not fair and it does
No, it's not fair and it does create division. It's not right to put you in that position but you have the power of choosing whether you want to be in that position or not. It seems as if your fiance has been clear that he wants those changes, and I guess it's up to you as to whether or not you can live with that arrangement. I have this issue with my mother, who doesn't particularly care for my husband's children. I invite her to everything but she doesn't come, which I have learned to accept and understand to a degree. I usually try to just have lunch with her when my family is busy, call her or text her daily so we have a relationship. I never leave my husband/kids/stepkids just to go out with my mother unless they are all busy or doing other things. We have that understanding.
Sd specifically asks if I'm
Sd specifically asks if I'm coming. If the answer is yes, then she will not come. So, my fiance wants to accomodate her and leave me behind so he can see her.
Believe me, I'd go if I was "allowed" to.
Looks like you and your
Looks like you and your fiance could really use some alone time. That is important to a relationship. Be very excited about getting to spend time alone together and take up as many weekends as you can. I did this. It was effective. Not perfectly, but it did help things along. Do not mention them when you plan it. This is strictly about you and him. Really, if they are adults it is time for them to not be spending every freaking weekend with daddy activities anyway. Aren't they busy? Have they no life of their own?
He is grasping at straws with her and succombing to her guilt tactics. This is a habit he can break, but it takes a long time.
Make sure you take every opportunity to express how hurt you are by this exclusion. I mean HURT.
As said already, DO NOT let her bully you. Do not let her take over. She is winning at the moment, so you need to come from behind and aim for destroying her game with one of your own. That is all it is...a big game aimed at hurting you.
She will hang herself, you need to give her the rope. Don't forget...knowledge is power...back pocket information as much as you can for oh so convenient times.
It took my husband three years to believe his children were actually trying to ruin our relationship. Who wants to believe that about their own children? I can understand somewhat. Did he let them get away with murder at times? Yes. But I can't do anything about the past.
It's "their" idea
It's "their" idea
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice....I'm seeing a counselor today to see what her advice is before I make a decision. So damn tough letting go, but so tough holding on too.