Is a very short separation ever a good idea?
I'm just so tired. My 13 year old SD is making me miserable. We have her all during the week, during school, and she spends weekends with her mom. Her mother would much rather be her friend than her mother. So she lets us be the bad guys so that she can be the "fun mom. My SD is so disrespectful to me, and she's just getting worse. She's rude, she's a liar, and she's a selfish brat. I've basically put my life on hold to raise her, and I'm just exhausted. This child has 4 parents - 2 real & 2 step, and yet I feel like I'm a single mother! I don't feel like my husband has the slightest clue about what I'm going through. It's not that he knows and doesn't care, it's more like he is just clueless. I tell him about how I'm feeling, but he doesn't really get it. And of course, she's at her best when he isn't home to witness it.
I've really been thinking lately that I just need to get away for a while. Just maybe a week or two. I think after one week of my husband having to deal with all her drama, and her homework and projects, getting her lunches ready, getting her to and from school on time, telling her a million time to do her chores and take a shower, and on it goes... he might just finally understand what I go through every day.
I've been so stressed lately, that even the weekends don't really help. I know that Monday is just around the corner, and I'm so stressed about wondering what will happen next that I can't even rest on my 2 days off from her.
I don't think my husband will understand why I feel the need for a break, and he'll take it personally. Well, this is personal to me too! I just want to feel appreciated. I absolutely am not thinking about divorce, or even an actually separation - just a week or so at a hotel, where I go to and from work, and have no step-mom duties.
What do you guys think? Do you think this would even help? I'm at my wits end for something else to try!
Thanks for all of your support! It's so nice to be able to talk to people who know exactly what I'm going through!!!
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first can you afford to get
first can you afford to get counseling? It helped my marriage (though we are NCP to DH kids)
second, can you take a vacation and go see family? Do a little pampering while there. Instead of calling it a separation, call it a vacation.
third, start pushing things onto DH. Can you volunteer or be gone a couple evenings a week so that you get time to do something that you want to do - and makes DH more accountable? I went back to school.....DH and I went into counseling and he found out how upset I was that I couldn't not fully rely on him to get a job done. That I had to count on my 15 year old to get things done. He admits he was lazy and let me take care of things. Once I started pushing things to him and "delegating" things started getting better.
I think you need to do what
I think you need to do what is best for YOU and if that is taking a couple weeks away, then so be it. DH needs to experience what you experience too. If you are absent for a couple of weeks and he STILL doesn't get it, than I would suggest going to counseling and I wouldn't hold back, even if you think it might hurt his feelings.
I hope things work out for you.
Why are you the one relegated
Why are you the one relegated to dealing with homework, lunches, rides to school, and showers? Even if DH works during the day, surely some of this, if not all, should fall on his shoulders?
That said, of course you deserve a break, and you should take it.
If you feel like you need a
If you feel like you need a break, by all means take one. Do not feel guilty about it either. If you are just unsure about taking a break, just step back from the role you have taken. Stop helping with projects, homework, etc. Stop making her lunches and such. She's certainly old enough to make her own. The stress can absolutely get the best of you. Don't let it! Take a break for some much needed you time or take a step back either one. Take a look at my blogs and you'll see I completely understand! I wish I had taken a break or taken a step back a long time ago. Hope this helps. You are not alone!
I had enough of the kids last
I had enough of the kids last spring. I took BD3 to visit my elderly parents who live 300 miles away. I left DH with SD15 and my DD10. SD15 is always a mean bitch to me and the other kids but as soon as daddy walks in the door she is up his ass all sweet and nice. Makes me want to throw up. So I figured let him get a taste of them for a couple of days. (the kids hate each other and all they do is fight)
So the first night I call over there to see how everyone is (secretly hoping the kids have tried to kill each other) }:)
He says hi honey, the kids are great, they are helping me cook dinner and blah blah blah. I hear them laughing and being happy in the background. Huh ok we hang up.
I call him back an hour later and he claims they are doing great! Now I am fuming and my parents obviously think I am crazy. I mean these kids don't help cook dinner, they don't get along with each other. If I ask them to get me a spoon from the drawer they would probably throw it at me or just say no. Evil!!
So I call back again and I am mad and he can hear it. I finally break down and tell him I left for a couple of days to you can see my hell with the kids. THey fight all day, they don't clean up after themselves, they are NOT nice!!!
He finally admits to me they were fighting during the making of dinner, wouldn't clean up and he just wanted me to think he could handle it and all was under control. Lets just say DH has a bigger appreciation of me now and he sees how mean his daughter really is to mine.
Thanks everyone, for all of
Thanks everyone, for all of your VERY awesome suggestions! If I do go away for a week, or two, I will call it a break or a mini-vacation, and not a separation. I can't really go out of town anywhere because I can't take a week or two off from work, but I can swing an inexpensive hotel just to get away. Poor hubby will be shocked to hear that I want to leave for a while, which probably means he really hasn't been listening to me. That or I might not have been as open and honest with him as I should have been. But he does tend to only hear what he wants to, so we'll see!
The interesting thing about therapy is that we took SD to a therapist last year a few times because she started using a pencil eraser on the back of her hand until it resembled a rug burn. She said it was because she was "torn" away from her mommy dearest, since now she's living with her father and I during the school week. Well, she did it again a few weeks ago, so I made an appointment with her therapist myself first so that I could explain the situation. The therapist listened to me for an hour, and then told me that she meant no offense, but it sounded to her like I need my own therapy. She said I am putting my own needs last, and that would just not do. I agreed, of course, so I have another appointment with her myself tomorrow. I'll ask her what she thinks about a mini-vacation!
I wish I could tell my SD that if she disrespects me she is out of my house, but it's just not that simple. She would LOVE to be out of my house. Over here she is required to do a few chores, be respectful of others, bathe every day, keep up with her school work, get good grades, and so on. She would just love to go back to mama's house where there aren't any rules or respect. Or she thinks she would love it. I think telling her that would make her even more disrespectful!
She lied to me on Friday before she went to her mom's house, and for punishment, I went through her room today and took out every single "beauty" item in there. No makeup, no curling iron, no cute hair stuff. All I left her was her brush and her deodorant. So it should be lots of fun when she gets back to our house later! I dread Sunday nights more than any other time of the week. After spending the weekend with her mom, she is such a total brat!