Hmmm. This is how it was in our home…(we discussed all of this before getting married). No food or drinks in bedrooms. NOT EVEN WATER.

Computer and Living room TV, belong to adults. Kids clean up after themselves…if not, then that childs parent does the cleaning.

If you flunk out of HS, you do not live in our house anymore. If you graduate and want to stay in our house, you will work part time and go to school full time.

Got a little new for you…you bitterness is COMPLETELY you DH’s fault. If my kid would have talked to me like that, they would have had the fight of their life on their hands.

This sounds exactly like me about two years ago. So much so, that it gave me goosebumps reading it

Tell your husband the truth. I had to tell my SO that I was losing respect for him because of his lack of parenting. I told him that I was no longer comfortable in my own home because of the way he allows them to behave. In fact, I told him that this didn't feel like MY home, and that I really just wanted to go HOME (I still have another house). I told him that I was sick of having to hide in my room when they were around. That I stayed at work late on their weeks, so that I wouldn't have to be home alone with them. I told him I was disgusted that we had to have locks on our bedroom and bathroom doors, because he can't manage to train his children to stay out of our stuff. I told him that I no longer enjoyed taking trips on the weekends because of the fear that they would break into our house while we were away.

I told him that I was disengaging. Somehow I had become the only one who cared enough about his children to try to raise them to be responsible adults. All it was getting me was resentment. They hated me for it. I explained that his kids have two parents, and I'm not one of them. It's not my job to raise them. If neither one of them care enough about their kids to properly parent them, why should I? I told him he needed to step up and handle it, or quit bitching to me when they fail, and risk losing me in the process. I told him that is was very sad that he'd rather see me on my hands and knees scrubbing their gum from the floor than to upset them by punishing them for spitting it there. Basically, I had to guilt him into doing the right thing.

I'm going point by point here. I've had to deal with some of this. I imagine you have it much worse, because your skids are with you full time. I would have a huge difficulty with that.

"How can I disengage when she leaves food smeared on the keys of our laptop (which she prefers to use at our desk in the dining room instead of the desktop)? I continually have to clean it off when I want to use it. (Actually this morning I had enough and broke my "disengage" by posting a note that there is no more eating at the desk and the reason why)."

I think this is a proper way of handling this even though disengaged. They cannot shit on people's property.

"Or when a room in your house STINKS from the dirty, bloody, stained underwear, lack of bathing, and food crumbs, empty bags of junk food and wrappers, dishes, and clementine pealings are sitting on the floor. DH asks her repeatedly to pick it up...she ignores him because she can and knows he rarely will do anything about her not listening. How does one just let that go?"

Let DH clean it up then. I wouldn't touch it. I'm sorry it stinks, but maybe get some lysol? Although i suppose if it were me, I'd tell SO that there will be no messes in common areas. I have to say I'm lucky because SO hates things dirty. Its mean, but I'd be tempted to take pictures of those messes and tell the skids if they don't straighten up, I'll post these on FB for their friends to see all their disgusting behaviors (especially the bloody panties). EWWWE! I would not clean it up though. Do you have a bathroom that you can just make yours?? No skids allowed??

"Recently I've broken my disengaging a bit more by speaking up to her about a few minor things. She posts nasty things about me (and DH) on facebook (however she doesn't know that I know what she posts)."
Block her. Don't look at these, it only fuels your fire. If you want to truly disengage, both emotionally and physically, then you don't want to see things that rile you up. At some point, you will not care about that stuff.

"SS15 basically admits he hasn't been doing his homework for the class he is FAILING and sits and plays Xbox throughout the evening until bedtime. I've told DH there need to be some limits to screen time, but he doesn't do anything. If it were my child there would be NO Xbox if you were failing a class and not doing the homework. Then DH suddenly out of the blue last evening kicks him off Xbox and I had to listen to this kid scream like a 2 yr old at the top of his lungs and tell his dad that if he shuts it off...SS15 will "punch him in the face". DH did turn it off. But then SS15 just went on facebook the rest of the evening. I heard this from the other end of the house, in our bedroom, WITH the door closed!"

Your DH is allowing his children to disrespect him. That is his fault. Its hard to watch. I have seen SD fail, lie a while 9 months about failing for the year, and then suck up to get back into dad's good graces. Its sickening. Her bad grades? Because she just doesnt' want to do the homework. She stays up most school nights and no one (including BM-- because she lives with BM) does a thing about it except take her phone away. SHe's still getting bad grades and her brilliant parents can't figure out why when they take her phone away that she still gets bad grades. You know why? because she's so spoiled that she has plenty of other material items to fill in the gap. taking an ipod or a cell phone away will do nothing when you still have everything else you want at your disposal. Also, if you aren't giving your child a routine, a bedtime, and structure, you have lost and you might as well just accept her loser status. Its hard to watch your DH being treated this way and yes you lose respect. My SO thinks he's doing something by having 4 hours talks about the importance of getting good grades and being self sufficient. But he's done nothing to show her what is to be done. He still gives her plenty of money for shopping and she still gets all the freedom's that she wants. Their stupidity is on them.

In fact, neither child bothers with the majority of their homework while they are too busy with countless hours of Xbox, facebook, and chatting online.

These are just a few small examples.

"It literally drives me nuts...living in this home, completely at odds with the "rules" of our home...trying to keep to myself in our bedroom when I'm not at work, but really, I can't STAND IT. I'm literally counting the days until hopefully SD17 who is almost 18 will be moving out (and want to cry at the thought that she might not be). I want my house back. I feel guilty because I don't think I CAN live with her much longer. I feel guilty because I'm holding onto the hope that she will go live with her "bestie" who coddles her every move after she graduates (mom) and mom can find out what she's really like. (mom lives half way across the country)"

How lucky you are. So close! The best thing to do in your position is to keep in DHs ear that the skids need to get out once they are out of high school.

"So here is a stepmom...wondering how in the world can one with so much bitterness towards these skids...that has builded through many years of sacrificing for these brats...just not care, even though what they do does affect me no matter how hard I try not to let it."

The only way I've been able to do it is to stay away from them. When SO tries to talk to me about SDs issues, I just smile and nod. Fake supporting him then move on the conversation. There is no point in adding my advice or anything else. It just comes back to bite me in the ass. Its harder when they live with you. Maybe you want your own place. Lots of couples live separately now

"I mean I have to WALK by SD17 chatting and facebooking away on our laptop for HOURS and HOURS (it's in the path from our room to the kitchen) ...while she's failing two classes this tri, just started continuing ed to make up for the already one credit she is short for graduation. I can't stand it...because the next day she will have big zeros for homework so she is NOT doing homework most of the time!"

So very hard. I watch it too. The train about to crash.

"I then turn to DH and I have to tell you, our marriage is suffering because I'm totally loosing respect for his craptastic parenting on so many levels. Never mind the fact that he won't bother to take his ex back to pay more than $20 per month in child support. (yep, you read that right - $20 per MONTH for two kids)

I also realize that some of my bitterness is not entirely the kids fault...it's also DH and the ex...and angry at myself for ever investing so much into DH being awarded custody.

Is it even possible to fully disengage in your own home and still have any respect for your husband and his parenting?"

I don't respect SO's parenting of his children. Its so annoying to watch. His excuse? All of these things should have been started earlier, its too late to parent them this way now. Excuse because its just too hard and he's not able to actually be hard on his kids. Especially SD. He feels too guilty. I'm sure for my own child I will be the more dominant parent.

I empathize with you so much. I don't however recommend telling DH about disengaging. although out of anger I have. It only backfired on me.

Late addition to your blog - I agree with all that AlwaysAnxious says. I have been disengaged for 8 years - but I think it must be a whole lot more difficult if you have the SKIDS full time, which it sounds like you do.
I think I would be tearing my hair out the same in your situation. My SDs are 15 and nearly 17. I have been doing this a long time, like you, and it wears you down after years and years. My DH also sounds a LOT better than yours at stepping up and laying down the law to them. To be honest, you have done really well to come this far. My DH actually offered to rent me my own place to got to on the weekends when the SDs come. I told him that wasn't necessary - but he must realise how stressed I get.
I raised my own daughters who are now in their late 20s and were NOTHING like my SDs - worked hard, achieved and are leading productive lives. I have similar experiences to you with the SDs and filthy underwear, mess and failing in school. I was like you with my own daughters, - they knew I meant business if I made a threat, and I never had to repeat myself. I will never understand how these DHs can fail to understand basic behaviour principles in dealing with their offspring. Oh well, rant over. Let us know how things go with you.