timeline
I have been thinking about writing this for a week now, the inner dialogue is always the same. Emotionally I am getting closer to my logic feelings. I am tired of being hated by skids bc fdh doesnt care to form any relationship with them. Tired of being the scape goat for all the issues. And when I point out the truth, I am just being a female dog and he doesnt want to talk about it. He doesnt call/text/go see them bc he doesnt want to, he says "they have their own lives". When asked if he wants to see them or why he didnt, I am to bame. He didnt/doesnt want to bc "it might make me uncomfortable" I am only uncomfortable bc they resent bc he doesnt have any relationship with them and they think its my fault. If I wasnt in the picture whose fault would it be? Still mine bc I was once in the picture or maybe the phone company? cars not working? Maybe eventually they'll see that its all their fault, but probably not. I cant bring up my problems bc they are inconvienent (spelling?) or fdh doesnt see it as a real problem. He says "what can I do to influence their behavior?" Maybe actually talk to them about acting appropiate? Naw, that'd resmeble parenting too much.
I have a timeline. If things are not better with myself and us in 3 months I have to enact a exit. I cannot live my life used as a scapegoat. I am not emotionally healthy bc I cant bring myself to inconvience my fdh with my "problems" that bother me. Instead I turn to ST and a journal to get though the days. I cant even turn to the man that "loves me", yet doesnt want to hear my thoughts. So is it love? or just convience. I feel if I stifle my thoughts and desire to communicate then he is happy as could be, but dare I express any issues I am an annoyance it seems. Then I am getting near his bubble of perception with a needle.
Even if I bring up the issue ive learned nothing will change, so now I must make a choice. 1) learn to live with it or 2) change it by any legal means necessary.
This has all led up to the timeline. Even if I tell fdh now I can predict the results. Either he'll break up with me now (blessing in suprise?) or he wont understand why I have any problem at all.
Im sure if anyone reads this far ill get a lot of "run now" or "why are you still with him?" i cannot afford to run now, i am not ready to give up this fight just yet. I do love him so i am with him.
I can think of nothing else to add at this time.
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Comments
Some dads are content to have
Some dads are content to have minimal contact with their children. My DH travels the 3 hour trip once a year to visit his. There is not much interaction between them. They seldom visited when they lived 20 minutes away and never make a visit since we moved. He says he is not interested in all the female drama. As long as they call on occasion to let him know they are alive and well then he is content.
As for being the scapegoat. No need to defend yourself. The children are not expected to like you. They should act respectfully. It was never your job to fix his relationship or better it.
So I totally understand what
So I totally understand what you are saying, I really do... but... these are adult skids you are talking about who (if I'm understanding correctly) your FDH has minimal contact with which means that obviously you have minimal contact with them as well. Why are you letting them bother you? Why do you care what they think or if they like you or not?
Yes, without a doubt it sounds like all of these grown adults (skids and FDH) are using you as the convenient excuse as to why they are not all lovey dovey, mushy, wushy with each other. When your DH says he doesn't go see his kids because "it makes you uncomfortable" prove him wrong! Don't be his convenient excuse anymore! Hell, buy him the plane tickets, hand them to him with a smile on your face... yeah! Go have fun with your kids! What will his excuse be then???
It sounds to me like you are allowing these people to use you as the scapegoat. I would use a little reverse psychology and call them out, then they will have to find someone else to blame.
@MazzyStar; I have brought up
@MazzyStar; I have brought up counseling. he works M-Sat. I work various days and usually Sundays so even if we found a counselor open/available on Sunday it'd be hard to schedule. He wont take time from work to go to one, not even for himself.
@godess; I know its not my job. Thats why I dont remind him to call or bring up making plans with them (skids) anymore. Its his choice. I just hate the feeling of being hated! I am a people person and do not like the negative feelings. I do ignore them the best I can, but sometimes they get to me. The respect issue is that they dont even try to respect me. FDH has never said they need to and now we have no contact so I guess I need to toughen up bc they will always act like that.
@Druzzilla; I have tried that, then he brings out the other excuses. I'm tired, I'm sore, etc... My favorite has been when it was a grandskid bday (under 10) and I told him about the party, said we should go. he said "I dont really like being around the grandskids mom (i.e. his kid)I never have beein comfortable around her." I'm just the first/easiest excuse.
@Ripley; thanks, I have never felt so unlistened to. He openly admits he cannot (will not?) communicate very well. He cant form sentences to explain his feelings, wont right them down or see a counselor.
@Daizy; I try not to care, just am very much a people person and dislike being disliked. I try to not let it get to me, but I'd rather be hated for something i am or did, not for something im not. I might try the idea of just making it real convienent to see them. They live in the same town so it'll be easy. Maybe we'll go to dinner one night then ill drive to one of their houses. My only thing is he doesnt seem to really want a relationship with them, so i dont want to force him to do it. Its weird, i cant quite understnad him. he says one thing and does another. I also dont want to show up at the skids house unannounced, that'd be rude. I really hate conversing with any of them...
Thank you all for the advice. I will try to come up with something to change the problem. it might be my attitude or my relationship status. Time will tell. Thanks again!