I'm at PEACE with disengaging!! A revealing confession from him helped me SO much!!!
Regardless of what he said being 'shitty' imo....the fact that he DID put me at such peace at my decision to pull away and disengage.... and insist on very little to no interaction with our skids EOW.
He has the articles-and read them, we've discussed the lack of parenting, how i'm disengaging, how i want to not have her over on skids wknds as much if at all, i've told him she needs therapy, he needs to step up and discipline, all that jazz.
NOW for the part all us women get hung up on-we keep talking/discussing with them until we are blue in the face and NOTHING changes right? So we take action and think hey, maybe NOW he'll see I'm serious and step up and PARENT and discipline the darn kid, right? Does it happen? Hmmmm
The whole thanksgiving week (Mon-Thu am), SD was dropped by BM at his parents house, as she does anytime she wants a break, free babysitters and bf doesn't agree to it. I held quite firm on not interacting the kids much because after all, I didn't get consulted about visitation plans and the talks we've had about the discipline issues and needing seperating the skids and not have her at my home as much.
Needless to say, the couple of times she DID come over and only for a cpl hrs- was more of the same, attitude, ignoring rules, my blood pressure rising, my anger kicking in again durig and day after. The last time she was over, and kicked my son in the back. I found out as i dropped them off w/their dad-I'm furious, come home furious and he finally gets it out of me. He says was it something "SD" did, I said, of course it is, but what's new right?
I told him she kicked him- he goes on to try to excuse how she is just trying to act like another sibling as my boys sometimes hit/wrestle eachother, and sometimes they are ROUGH also-but he understood she wasn't a sibling really and can't act that way. I tried to explain to him, when my boys fight there is still a bond, I know they love eachother very much...with her, she's so jealous of my youngest and has anger issues, there is MALICE behind her hits, THAT makes the difference to me.
He also said he realizes she always makes excuses for how she acts but this hitting/bullying does NOT only happen with my kid-it happens at school, with her girlfriends, etc....
I know this may not be right but I told the boys, that though they are not allowed to hit girls...if she hits them ONE more time to sock her back hard. I'm sorry, but I'm done w/hearing about it, griping at bf, not sure one iota is said to her, wash rinse repeat.
I told him next time they can hit back, i won't bat an eye. To be honest I feel like i hear about it one more time and I will slap the shit out of her.
ANyways-he goes on to say that i'm finally getting some of the frustration he's had...that it's ruined relationships before, and that he knows this-that he knows she acts and thinks trashy like her mom and there doesn't seem much hope for that to change. He said what else am i supposed to do other then cage her up and keep her away from you or anyone for that matter? That it was sad but he felt there is nothing else to do....that he feels like he is being PUNISHED everytime she visits and he just has to grin and get through it, he doesn't look forward to it...punished because he can't be around me those days.
I said, well darn it then PARENT and discipline her!!! I said that is what you do!!! Every time! He says, well that means i'd have to spend the entire wknd NONSTOP disciplining her at every turn, i said yes-and???
Him: I don't want to spend the entire wknd disciplining her and then she goes back to mom and comes back the same way, and it's another two days of nonstop discipline every single time...so i just give up-and regardless in a way i really dont' care too much sadly...based on what i know from the test i gave up really caring about her as a real dad a long time ago...
So I said, but what about what kind of adult she ends up as? do you have no investment in that? He says no, in a way I don't. I just take the visitation as punishment and get through it...maybe i'll get to be with you long term, maybe it gets to tough and you bail but i love you and don't want to lose you.
So I say, ok then what WORKS NOW is not having them together, i don't know about down the line, what if, etc...for NOW we keep them seperate as much as we can and i remain disengaged.
I feel RELIEF-I can't fault him for not wanting the torturous job of nonstop discipline everytime to see no results for a kid that isn't even his. I can't be mad he's lost that bond or caring about her future. I also know he can't expect me to do the 'one happy family' everytime he has visitation because he has ADMITTED to me, that even though MY stipulation is he discipline, he DOES NOT WANT TO and that wont' change! I'm FREE to disengage from her, from tyring to bond, from trying to 'bond the kids', from having her in my home.
I don't know if him/I will eventually marry and what that means-it coule mean his visitation will still happen at his parents or she'll eventually lose interest. I know she's starting to get pissy that she's bored a lot over at his parents and not coming over w/him to my place. All I can do is stand my ground and protect my home, myself, my kids, my relationship with him. He seemed more engaged with me-and even came to visit quite a bit that week alone leaving sd at his parents even though he came to my home and interacted/watched movies with my sons.
It seems he could actually be ok w/me disengaging--- but not punishing me by doing it to my kids. I feel we've both had deep realizations that though hurtful are what keeps us afloat-life is messy, so is love at times, and it sucks but it IS our reality and we have to deal with it best we can. This seems the way right now, and I can tell you, this week has been SUCH a relief emotionally for me and liberating, like I'm free to NOT care about her, how she ends up, or 'blending' and am accepting this much better now. I can't say i'm 100pct emotionally/physically disengaged but i'm getting there slowly but surely and I LIKE how I feel now about it. I'm not punishing myself for it.
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A couple other thigns he
A couple other thigns he said, was that he had to deal with her, but he realized i don't have to and can chose not to and that's ok. He also said he thinks alot of it stems from her wanting/needing a mom figure in her life (her bm is definately a crap neglectful mom)....and part of her jealousy/acting out is NOT geting the attention she wants from me full time because I have the boys to take care of and RIGHTFULLY so because they are my kids. But she can't understand that (or does but doesn't accept) hence her horrid behavior with my kids-mostly targeting the youngest, jealousy not only of that her dad stays here aroudn them more then her- but they get the 'good mom' that she doesn't.
I can see this, I really do..I think deep down she probably does wish we were her parents and she lived with us, the fact that she doesn't causes all kinds of anger/jealousy/territorial issues-little does a kid understand that if she DIDN"T act out this way we probably wouldn't mind having her around more! I definately DID shoot to try to be a good female role for her, but YES my kids needs come first and they take most of my time and energy-as is expected and she's not my child. He totally understood this.
The only misconception i cleared up from him quick is he said 'i wonder sometimes if the answer was me dating a women w/out kids that she could see more as a mom fulltime to her' LOL-I said honey, you have, it didn't work remember? Then she kicks into being territorial about you and pushing that woman away!!! I stuck this long BECAUSE i have kids and can relate to how hard it is, and have a lot more patience as a mom.... a woman with NO kids of her own would be gone in less then a year when she saw her behavior and the drama w/your ex lesbian wife. Him: "yeah i guess you're right". DUHHHH
I know ripley...it was huge!
I know ripley...it was huge! I guess HE feels punished when she visits because we have to be apart, and I won't lie it sucks but I find things to stay busy with right away lol.
See that's the thing-I've encouraged him time and time again, he doesn't do it...he no longer has the bond he had. When he did a home dna test that revealed his fears he chose to not really 'parent' anymore-I dont' know what I would do because i'm a woman, but i can't fault any man for HOW they deal with an issue as big and traumatizing as paternity fraud to be honest....i may WANT him to discipline 18 times a day over and over but reality is he may not care to/want to, have the emotional investment to care to parent properly anymore.
BUT he's admitted it, that frees me.
Gawd, i felt like i was
Gawd, i felt like i was reading a general description of my life.
To get the bd to admit that they are lost on answers, and honestly dont want to search for answers certainly is a weight lifted off our shoulders.
There are just some bd's out there, who dont want to deal with it the right way, let alone deal with it period.
That is my dh. The CP is raising his kid, (and not doin the kid any favors with her "style" of parenting) and dh just goes with it. In dh mind, nothing he can do about it, and more honestly, nothing he wants to do about it.
I used to try to get DH to do
I used to try to get DH to do the same with SS, back when we were dating. I get his point about not wanting a horrible place for SS to come to every other weekend, but it was still annoying.
I honestly do not understand the big deal if he only gets her every other weekend. DH used to have every other weekend and I could go months and months without even seeing SS. This was because we did not live together. (Like you and your SO)
After a bit, I wondered why I wanted to subject my kids and myself to the grief. Soooo…I made sure we did not see DH..(SO then) and SS on those weekends.
PS…why didn’t your DS tell you about her hitting him in the back when it happened? If it REALLY hurt him, he would have told you before then I think. I know you will likely freak out at what I am about to say, but...could your DS’s could be playing up to the whole ….Mom hates SD issue.
I know how you feel on this whole situation, (btdt) but I would let it all go and just stay away on the weekends he has her. It worked for me. SS is not my kid…I focused on mine, not someone else’s…and I loved my DH enough to wait to live with or marry him.
"That is my dh. The CP is
:jawdrop: "That is my dh. The CP is raising his kid, (and not doin the kid any favors with her "style" of parenting) and dh just goes with it. In dh mind, nothing he can do about it, and more honestly, nothing he wants to do about it."
BINGO!!!! I think hearing him ADMIT this was just life changing for me honestly. It DID take a huge wait off my shoulders!!!
When he did a home dna test
When he did a home dna test that revealed his fears he chose to not really 'parent' anymore
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WHAT?? I guess I missed this. I am confused…why is he going to do NOTHING about this?
I've posted about this
I've posted about this before, it's a long story...WHY he hasn't done anything about it?? That's my million dollar question. I WISH he would.
He's gone back/forth trying to decide on how to act on this...i think his undecision is his decision
The only thing is I wouldn't
The only thing is I wouldn't condone them hitting her. I mean, where do they draw the line? You're telling them in essence its Ok to hit girls.
If he won't punish her for hitting YOUR kids, then you do it. You're the other adult in the house. If they both put up a stink, tell him he can see her in a hotel then on his weekends, that until she gets her hands under control she cannot come over.
Sometimes you just have to draw the line in the sand and stick to it come-what-may.
I know...but at the same time
I know...but at the same time when is it enough to be bullied and not fight back..if she wants to act like a butch or dude then take it like one, just like your mom/lovers.
I don't agree with hitting girls-I lived in an abusive first marriage for too long, i'm the biggest supporter of no violence against women-in this case I see it as outright defending themselves from a bully no matter WHO it is!!!!
I have done the line in the sand as listed above in my post.
I think that's the point I'm
I think that's the point I'm trying to make. You're the adult. You should be able to protect your kids, at least in their own home. Don't let your husband bully you. Take a firm stance on it with HIM. Don't teach your sons something you know you'll be sorry for later on.
Bf, not dh...i don't know
Bf, not dh...i don't know that i would regret though telling them to defend themselves if need be, no matter the gender. If they are 18 walking down the street and some guyish chick comes up to punch them on the street at random looking for a fight, then sock her back...it't not about hitting a girl, it's about defending yourself from bullying or physical attack of ANY type. THIS is also how abusive women are created, they are allowed to mistreat men/boys at an early age w/a get out of jail free card because they are 'girls' and then these 'girls' turn into mean bullies that nobody stands up to and turn to treat their husbands like crap (as did BM to my bf).....
At some point they have to learn they dont' get a free pass to mistreat others w/out getting some repercussions back. ANd by god this new generation of bully manish dikeish "girls' acting like dudes with a chip on their shoulder is just sickening...wanna be a man then take a punch like one.
It's not about hitting a girl, but about self defense if they are bullied and i'm not around-i can't follow them 24/7...hence why my approach is we don't spend time together as a family anymore on the times bf has sd w/him-but in the event they ARE over even if one hour or special ocassions they should have permission to defend themselves.
Not at all. If you are
Not at all. If you are getting hit, then give it back just one time and that person will stop. I don't disagree with you at all.
Willow, confused really a bit
Willow, confused really a bit on what your post is saying honestly. I say EOW_but in essence what happens is EVERY school break, 4 to 6 weeks in summer, EVERY random off school day, spring break, thanksgiving break, christmas break., when we got snowed in...it's a lot of time, it adds up, it's time we have to spend apart and that sucks. The mom never uses HER vacation/sick days to take care of her kid like I do ALL the time with mine. There is NO changing that, ever.
What I was saying is that his admission has freed me from feeling guilty about disengaging or having her over at my house, which we used to do regularly and his visitation time, so it IS a big change for us from what we did to what we ARE doing now-unlike how you did things. It isn't easy to emotionally stop caring for a kid that you were trying to help, not easy to give up on a dream of having our kids play together and enjoy family dinners and movies and outings the 5 of us as we would like, it's not easy giving up on the idea of marriage sooner rather then later because we HAVE to keep our kids apart for everyones well being. YOu say it as "what's the big deal just wait another 5-8 years" maybe to YOU it wasn't a big deal but for US it is. For my kids it is, they want us married and their 'stepdad' fulltime as a 'normal family'-him and I would like that too! Of course we will grieve the loss of that dream, and though liberating to ME from guilt of disengaging, doesn't mean we both don't feel a degree of punishment because of one kid-that's REALLY not 'his' kid in the first place, but he's trying to 'do the right thing' by not saying anything about it. As I said, it's a messy complicated life and we can accept that- but it IS a damn big DEAL.
As to my son:
My son was at a neighbors house playing on trampoline (this is normally when she hits my kids not under my nose but outside)....this happened to be one of his friends that she has NOT been to their house ever! Her and my oldest went over to call him to come inside to eat muffins and get ready to go to his dads soon, he said not now be there soon..she jumped over the fence (in a home she doesnt know major boundary crossing again), tried to drag him off and kicked him in the back. WIth that he went off on her telling her he didn't care about stinking muffins NO he wasn't coming home to bad so sad. He's 10 he's not goign to run everytime he gets hurt to tell me, and believe me he HAS before at times also.
THAT is what she came back telling me (leaving the kick/drag out of it of course because its DENY or NEVER her fault) my oldest was co-signing w/her until she left....when I asked my youngest why he didn't come home to eat muffins when they called him he told me about the kicking-my oldest said, oh yeah that's right that did happen. I got onto HIM for not telling me then and defending his brother and at the youngest for not coming home to tell me. Trust me, somehow SD is VERY good at getting my oldest to go up against his brother and ally w/her to do this when she's over-possibly because my oldest is very laid back and she's SUCH a strong bully he sides w/her out of fear i suspect -or whomever he sees 'get her way'..much like how SD acts a bully like her mom, she chooses that road because in her mind BM gets her way EVERY TIME by acting like this. Kids will often try to side w/the perceived 'strongest'.
But Willow, NO he isn't playing it up she has bullied him intensely since day 1....he HAS come home immediately to tell me at times, others he waits. She's a malicious, jealous bully that does NOT only hit him, but others as well in school, birthdays, skating, etc. That's how her mom and lesbian butch friends do it-fist fights and all she's seen it repeately over and over and OVER again, plus shows like WWE, Jersey Shores, etc.. to her it's perfectly acceptable so I have no doubt he's not 'adding to my bad feelings' The kid is a bully brat on her way to bully bitch in less then 2yrs i'm sure.
"Him: I don't want to spend
"Him: I don't want to spend the entire wknd disciplining her and then she goes back to mom and comes back the same way, and it's another two days of nonstop discipline every single time...so i just give up-and regardless in a way i really dont' care too much sadly...based on what i know from the test i gave up really caring about her as a real dad a long time ago..."
Guilty Daddy 6:3 OLD CHESTNUT ALERT!!!
I agree to tell your bios that if bully SD hits them, they need to defend themselves at all costs. Of course the SECOND they DO defend themselves, SD will pull the "girly" thing, bawling her eyes out and pleading for biodad to DO something about it.
It is at this time if DH comes down on YOUR bios for HIS SPAWN'S bratty behaviour is when you should seriously rethink the relationship.
If he says "well you deserved it for bullying" then you have a keeper. Odds are it will be the former and not the latter.
I'm sorry if I missed
I'm sorry if I missed something but I did not read your past blogs. Is he the father or not
He has himself told him to
He has himself told him to hit her back and called her out in front of ALL of us about her nasty attitude and being a bully...so he wont' shy away from THAT part.
And YES I agree with you on the guilty daddy crap...in his case guilty daddy because he doesn't really care to be daddy.
As for her bawling, see honestly my fear is if they fight back SHE will fight back harder and REALLY hurt them, i hate to say it but she has MUCH more experience hitting and could likely end up badly. Maybe they can sock her once hard and run like hell back home LOL -
OH she's pulled the crying before and he doesn't buy it-he has said 'you probably deserved it'
This is giving her too much
This is giving her too much power, which she already has, i think he hasn't decided if he wants to go fwd w/the truth, bm does not know he knows. His idea IF he decides to act will be to get a lawyer, a court approved test and go from there, w/out giving bm prior knowledge or asking HER how to proceed-he's been dragged by the balls by bm using sd all these years, she's always the one in control-this time if he does act, that rug is being pulled right out from under her believe me. HE gets to dictate terms from there on out.
It is absolutely
It is absolutely heartbreaking when these Dad's realize that they can not parent these kids if the BM's won't let them. When DH came to that realization that his daughter was done and this was who she was, my heart just broke for him. He looked so pained. But, once he came to that realization, it seemed like a tremendous weight was lifted off of him and he disengaged himself. He is here if she ever wants a decent relationship, but he will no longer seek her out...
Keep disengaging and eventually it will all work itself out...