The Jacket Crisis: SS5 just had another meltdown
DH had to leave early this morning because the courts here are idiotic and gave him two different addresses for his child support meeting (scheduled at 9AM when both open). So, somehow he's got to be at two places at one time, and I got volunteered to take SS5 to school.
SS5's "usual" jacket is in his dad's car, so I pull out his winter coat and tell him to put it on.
SS5: Ummm. I don't want to wear a jacket today.
ME: It's 50 degrees outside. Put the jacket on.
SS5: It's too big.
ME: It's fine. Put it on and let's go.
SS5: It hurts my wrists. I don't like it.
Then he starts crying.
This turns into a 20 minute incident in which he complains about being cold, but doesn't want me to zip the jacket up because he hates it. I take him to his classroom and he continues to cry even after I take the jacket off. I don't want his teacher to think I'm a jerk, so I stick around to talk to him about it a bit (I should have sent him to time out). He continues to cry and give me victimized looks. I finally give up and leave, feeling like a huge ass and the evil stepmom of the universe.
Is this level of emotional reaction normal? SS5 is off the charts verbally and academically way ahead of his class, but I feel like he is still at 3 year old level emotionally.
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Uhh...I would say no that is
Uhh...I would say no that is not normal. I have a 4-year-old who might throw a small tantrum if I made him wear a jacket that he didn't want to, but it would never last that long-especially not once we reached the classroom. Maybe it really did hurt his wrists? (OK, I highly doubt that's true, but if it is then I could understand maybe why he is crying?)
He is about to turn 6. I
He is about to turn 6. I think he is way too old for this, but BM acts the same way and she's 32, so who knows. I checked both his wrists and they were not even red or pinkish or scratched looking.
He had a 20 min meltdown over a ham and cheese sandwich two weeks ago, so I don't really think it was actually hurting him.
I think you're absolutely
I think you're absolutely right. I usually take that approach, but I was thrown off by the whole situation. I am always worried someone is going to think I'm being mean to the skids (not sure why) and I think I gave him more power trying to make up for that possibility.
It's funny because DH just text me and said that BM was sitting across the waiting room from him (at the courthouse) and that she was already on the brink of tears.
So it looks like SS5 and BM were having crying fits at the same time. Nice.
SS12 is like this...he also
SS12 is like this...he also has ADHD and ADD. I don't engage being the SM. I suggest and if he resists then it's OK, wear what you want but don't complain about being cold/hot.
I try and get SS cool clothes but he prefers things given to him by his cousin even if too big/small or 'play' clothes. I learned with my bios, clothes isn't the battle I pick as long as they are decent and cover all their body parts.
With my SS, alot of it is BM vs me. Bought him Nikes for school that he loved until BM gave him a pair from cousin, 2 sizes too big but b/c they are from BM, that's what he prefers. I don't argue about it anymore.
Based upon my knowledge of
Based upon my knowledge of child development, it sounds like a case of "Just Right" that is teetering out of control, especially when SS is around grown-ups who aren't going to give into his tantrums and demands. A crying fit about a jacket and a 20 minute tantrum over a ham sandwich? Definitely something I would expect from a 3 year old, but not from a child who is 5, almost 6.
"Just Right" usually occurs when children are in early childhood, emerging around age 2, peaking at about age 3, and fading by around age 6 (the age of your SS). It is what we would refer to as obsessive-compulsive behavior in adults - a child wants to eat only certain color foods, or only sandwiches cut in a very particular manner, or wear only certain items of clothing while refusing to wear other items. Developmentally, "Just Right" is normal in early childhood. It can be accommodated for a year or two, but, it shouldn't be something that parents (or sometimes step-parents) give into every time the child doesn't like something, and eventually, parents have to start teaching children how to deal with disappointments and finding more constructive ways to get the things we want/need as opposed to the system your SS seems to have learned (temper tantrum = no jacket, what I want, me me me, etc.). Based on the age of your SS, almost 6, I'd say that he has found something that works for him and has not had any alternatives instilled in him.
I'm guessing, BM is influencing this behavior in SS since, as you said in another comment above, she acts the same way at age 32. This could be due to either her direct influence of giving into his temper tantrums and letting him have his way, or, through modeling behavior of BM throwing a fit when she doesn't get her way...probably a combination thereof, I suspect. If it works for SS, and if he sees it work for BM, then he's likely to adopt the behavior as his own.
I feel for you on this one and, I agree, nearing the age of 6, these behaviors shouldn't be as pronounced as they are. My guess is they have been nurtured in him to the point where he doesn't know another way to ask for/get what he wants and does not have a good way to cope with not getting his way.