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Thanks(really?)giving

mindex's picture

Submitted by mindex on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 9:49am

So, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and we do not have set plans yet due to the "if" of BM being in town or not. She moved out of state to be with the most recent guy in her life, leaving her 20 year old and 16 year old daughters in the dust with me and DH.
Last year, I was still in the "honeymoon" phase of being a SM, so DH and I made the big dinner,etc., only to have the day end up being just me and DH, because BM had a hissy fit a few hours before dinner was to be served and came over to get HER daughters, screamed at DH " OH NO NO NO NO NO NO ! YOU KNOW I ALWAYS HAVE THE GIRLS FOR THANKSGIVING!WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU !? YOU KNOW THAT !".
Now this year, DH and I have been invited to a very fancy and formal Thanksgiving at a gourmet "foodie" friend of ours, whom we have a deep friendship, and whose Husband passed away in April. Our friend wants to have just adults, and we are excited to be there for her, and with her.
Well, guess who is not coming to "always" have Thanksgiving with her daughters ?
Yep.
BM.
So now, effectively, that has ruined our plans.
The SD's are not welcome or included at the Gourmet Thanksgiving, and I would not enjoy it even if they were.
Seems when we have had been invited over for dinners previously, numerous items such as jewelry, cash, cigarettes, and even designer clothing pieces have come up missing, so the SD's are not welcome there anymore. We confronted the SD's about this in times past, and they deny any wrong doing,but given that the same deceitful and thieving behavior has been displayed at home on many, many, many occasions, we are sure that they were guilty as suspected.
So I guess we are cooking ?
And will be stuck home with the rotten apples ?
DH asked the D20 if she was sure Mom did not have any plans to be in town for TXG, as BM's parents live about 15 minutes away from us, and she said ( in her baby voice, oh so cute on a 20 y.o.)
" No, why ? Are you cooking and did you want to invite her over here for dinner?"
really ?
Sometimes I am not sure there is a brain in her skull.
I went to the bedroom to laugh and cry !
DH simply replied " No, we need to plan our day, and we need to know your plans"
I am not feeling very Thankful.
What would you do if you were me ?
I am interested in a creative solution to this little dilema !

Comments

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 9:56am

I say let them have Thanksgiving with BM's parents since they "always" have Thanksgiving with them. Let the kids know you have zero intentions of cooking dinner and if they want a Thanksgiving, they need to make alternate plans. IMO its their own fault they are not invited since they clearly can't control their grubby little hands.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 10:05am

I agree with this. Make it perfectly clear you will not be cooking and have other plans, then lock up all your valuables and leave. They're old enough to figure out for themselves whether to go to their grandparents or cook their own meal. Why should you not spend time with your dear friend because you have demon spawn in the house? If DH has a problem, he can cook for them, but I would still accept that lovely invitation for yourself.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

Submitted by Soon-to-be-Step... on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 9:59am

My Thanksgiving plans are also up in the air because we don't know yet whether or not BM "wants" SD that day. We usually rotate holidays but BM has not made any communication even after we have asked her a few times already. I'm sorry your plans to attend your friends gourmet dinner have been ruined. Sad Just another thing we sacrifice for our steps..lovely isn't it.

bbgf's picture

Submitted by bbgf on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 10:20am

wow Mindex!!

I completely understand your heartbreak and frustration. My BF's ex is also moved out of state with her bf about 3 years ago....but when she comes to town, the skids (3 adult step daughters), become very "PRO-MOM" and anti- ME, and always give my fiance a hard time. I really think that You and your DH should take up your friends offer to have a wonderful thanksgiving dinner. I think the Skids should see if their grandparents would like to have them over for dinner- and then if the BM decides to suddenly make an appearance, she can't ruin your day.

It can be difficult being the one who is always making sacrifices for the sake of skids and BM's who don't care about you....so sometimes, You have to stand up for yourself even if it makes the rest of them angry.

tofurkey's picture

Submitted by tofurkey on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 11:19am

I don't think that you should change your previous commitment on a whim because two girls at an age that are perfectly capable for getting themselves to their grandparent's house would rather f up your plans instead. I say you and DH go to the festivities you had planned.

sloopysgrl's picture

Submitted by sloopysgrl on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 11:24am

Ok this is how I feel about the situation. they are 20 and 16 they are grown. If they want to do something with dad then do something earlier in the day. DO NOT change your plans for them. There has to be a way to accommodate both situations. BM has the for TG every year so why change this year. Tell them if they want to come for a visit they are more then welcome but you will drop them off with BM so that you can carry out your plans...

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 1:56pm

Shoot first...ask questions later...

Why doesn't DH just inform them that you all have plans already for Thanksgiving and you all won't be available to see them that day??

Set the expectation...Even if they whine and moan...Rinse and repeat on it...

And keep a compromise in your back pocket if needed...Tell them they can visit the following day or the day before...