Dynamics of father's/daughters
I've been really giving this a lot of thought due to this past weekend. I realize I'm blogging a lot, but I have a lot to get out. i truly appreciate everyone's thoughts.
BM and SO did not have a good marriage. They ended up together in their teen years, he got her pregnant and "did the right thing". Its easy to see he never really respected her and didn't really feel like she was a partner. He was there to do his duty as a father and he was sort of a husband. She cheated on him I'm sure to make up for feeling a lacking of closeness with her husband.
In the meantime you have two children growing up with this. A princess daughter and a jock son. I often hear how sd was a daddy's girl. I have heard stories about BM being upset that SD didn't react to her the way she reacted to daddy. She always wanted her daddy. In turn, I can see that SS and BM were closer. Here in lies the problem. A marriage where the SS and mom get along and Sd and dad get along. Substitutions for the bad marriage, your children. Just focus on them.
SS doesn't seem to have an entitlement issue or need for being the center of attention. SD does. She feels she needs to be the center of her father's world.
SO has noticed this as well. He has even had to talk to her about how he loves her more than anything and she's extremely important, but not the center of everything (after I disengaged he figured it out, miracle!!). He has commented that he thinks she has difficultly with the divorce. I think her difficulty with the divorce is not in itself that they split, but that her role is forced to be different. I didn't get a lot of trouble from her early on. I got trouble as she has gotten older and SO and I began living together. At this point, things became AA and Dad making decisions to do things. She isn't involved in everything dad does, she isn't his only female and hasn't been. Since becoming a teenager, I think this issue is rearing its ugly head.
The only thing I can do is step back a little and give some space. I will be gently talking to So about these issues. I can't make it a "she's competing to be your wife" thing or he will shut down completely. I do have to make it a female competition issue.
Ugh!!!!
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Comments
It's not funny being a SM, we
It's not funny being a SM, we sure as hell have to deal with alot. My SD is only 10 and we see her EOW. When she's with us it's all Oh I love you daddy, hugging him and telling him how much she missed him but then she doesnt call at all, I have to fight with her to call her dad once a week.... I mean what is going on here.
When I bring this up to DH, he gets very agitated and tells me I know, I know and I dont want to talk about it.....argggghhhh...I'm so very frustrated..
Z
Yes its interesting. SD15 was
Yes its interesting. SD15 was the cause of the skids not coming on time this past weekend visit. SS had a late game, SD didn't pack. We weren't picking them up at 11:30pm. SD didn't get up the next morning until 11am so SO picked them up at noon on Saturday. All because of SD15.
I think he goes through insecurities with her. he feels rejected and either he rejects back or he overcompensates to win his little girl. this weekend he overcompensated.
Of course, i just look like a jealous SM who can't handle his closeness with his daughter.
Until the next time she does something big to disappoint him.
Vickie, We were in counseling
Vickie, We were in counseling and he wouldn't go back. Too much focus that these were all HIS issues. Which was all true, but he couldn't take it. Basically the counselor validated everything I was already saying and doing.
I think I can pose it as female competition without making it sound weird to him. Much like you just said with a son having a same issue being enmeshed in being the father's sole focus. The "child" becomes the focus not "the other woman"
I agree that this happens a lot in divorce, but my online reading is also showing this seems to happen in those who stay together but don't have a good marriage. I see this with a good friend of mine with her son. She is very involved with him and she and her husband have grown apart.
But she very much is bordering on inappropriate need for attention from her dad. He just stands there like its normal.
Yes, SS gets a lot of good
Yes, SS gets a lot of good treatment from BM while SD does not. SD and BM butt heads a lot. I think her lack of respect for BM also spills over to me.
SD goes through periods of needing validation I suppose and she challenges me. Its funny that this all started about the same time last year too. I will not go through what I did last year again. Disengaging much earlier and being more mature about the whole thing this time. I will be communicating these things to SO too. If I don't, I don't put the ball in his court and he is the one that needs to be responding to all this.
Oh and once I disengaged, all her energies turned to SS12. It was SS12 who was getting all the attention and shopping outings. I predict that once I disengage again, the same will happen.
SD was brought up as "baby
SD was brought up as "baby girl" everyone just worships the ground she walks on. But no one more than BF. It was understood that SD got whatever she wanted from BF whatever it may be simply because she was his "baby girl" :sick: . She wants that type of relationship to continue but he is actually parenting her now. She tells her BM she feels invisible sometimes when she is at our home :?
I think this is what happens
I think this is what happens with SD. Then SO goes through phases. Today the skids are back with BM and he's now a spouse to me again. :sick:
Bit of a late comment - we
Bit of a late comment - we have been away for a happily crisis-free weekend - very rare! I feel for you over the SD-DH dynamic - this is not the case gladly, with DH and either SD16 or SD14. I think I would find it VERY difficult.
I agree that in bad marriages spouses can get fixated on one of the children. Very unhealthy for the child as well as parent. This happened to me a bit when my father made me his focus. I liked the attention but looking bad he did me no favours with this unhealthy attachment. Sounds like your DH gets anxious when SD seems to withdraw her affection from him - this is what he really needs to work on - but unlikely you will be able to get him to do so. My DH used to be very like this, but it has gradually lessened as the SDs got older. Not sure why really.