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ATTN: Stepmother of adult children please help me! i needed some advices.

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 1:04pm

My husband and i are just married for 5 months now. i have SS (20) and SD (29). i know my DH children dont like me, and trying to take me away from thier dad, just like what they did on our wedding plans. SS is living with us. i feel like im not at home in my own home, but still im trying to have a better relationship with my DH son. now, what really pissed me off is that. DH daughter wants to stay in our home. DH wants to help her and okey for him that she will stay at home without considering my feelings. i know it would be hard for me if she will stay here coz of the fact that they did bad things against me. so i told DH that i dont want her to stay here. not that i dont want DH to help his children but in this situation i am hoping DH will undestand me. am i being unfair to him for saying NO about his daughter's staying? i just want to have a home, where i can find peave n love, where i can feel warm safe and secure. i have been so understanding to DH, but this time i want him to understand me. DH was saying why not gave them another chance, maybe this time we can have bonding with them and things will work out. but i doubt it, i dont trust them coz they were like brainwashed by them BM. i really dont know what to do, whether i have to let her stay and my husband will be happy or stick to my decision and give time for myself to speak also. hope you guys will say a word. thank you.

Comments

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 2:08pm

Thank you MAUX for the reply. i really appreciate it. i just really dont know what to do. im glad i found this site. ever since i got in this country and live with my husband, my only problem is his children, my not native here by the way, so im all adjusting, environment, language, culture, foods, etc. FYI i love my husband, and my family loves him, that is also why ive decided to moved in here. with open arms i want to be close to DH children too but when i first met his children i already felt thier coldness. when we planned to for wedding, we tried to get them as part of the ceremony, they dont want to. so its fine. but then a week before my dreamed church wedding date, something happen (i wont go into details anymore) but it caused our church wedding to be postpone. i really felt they are trying to ruin us to separate us. now we still got married but on civil. SS is living with us, but it was fine with me coz DH wants to help him. the night when SD asked DH if she can stay in the house, DH said yes without even asking me. and SD dont even asked me either. it seemed like i dont exist. so when i and DH was talking, he said sorry. and then i said NO bout SD staying in the house. so now, for sure SD felt bad bout me coz DH already said yes and now its a NO. recently she is still calling asking DH she want to move in the house. now, DH and i is having a confrontation again, i told him everything. and im getting tired, i told him now its up to him as long as ive already told you all my feeling n thoughts. im all hurt, ive been all understanding to him ever since i got here and things that happening here. i just want to feel the life being husband and wife planning for a best future, but it feels like a miserable life Sad

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 2:11pm

Do not allow yourself to be suckered into letting SD29 move in. It's a trick. No good will come of it.

If your DH wants you to give them a second chance, you can do that away from your home. You can bond away from your home. She does not need to live in your home for things to work out.

You and your husband can be happy together, without her living with you.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 2:34pm

Sounds like Tatum O'Neil...gonna try again, but really, it's "now I'll be there and if you don't allow it, you are choosing her over me and I will make your life hell because really, I should come first..."

So sorry, but I don't think I could handle it. IF you give in, you MUST sit with your husband and set guidelines IN WRITING...things that HE will need to discuss with his kids...and YOU WILL need to have it IN WRITING...otherwise, they will take over YOUR HOUSE...period.

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 2:18pm

Thank you HEREWEGOAGAIN, that's what im thinking also. i came here with open arms welcoming them, but the door slammed on my face, maybe because they fell threatened, anger, and jealous that their dad have a new wife now and will take them fore granted and fact that they were so spoiled before. in which i am not thinking that way. i want DH to still have a good relationship with his children. i dont know what future holds us if situation is like this.

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 2:30pm

Thanks for the time replying, SNICKERSGAL. she is living with her BM, who is still not married yet. and SD is sayig that they arent understand each other no more. thats why she wants to move in the house. one time DH came in the house, and she was looking the pictures of our civil wedding, she didnt even say congratulations, and ignore it. i can see her bad facial expression. by the way, the house we are living now is house that xfamily was living before. really wanted to have our new house even just a simple small house but not right now coz we are handling this financial issue. that's maybe also why this Skids are treating this home like it's their own and i dont have the right Sad sad huh.

myhusbandswife's picture

Submitted by myhusbandswife on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 2:37pm

TWENTY-NINE!? Is he serious? Please, please, please stand your ground. It's infinitely harder to get them OUT once they're in.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 5:01pm

Please don't allow her to move in. The others above are dead on. I moved in w/DH and adult SD when we first got married. I was against it, but DH wanted us to bond. So like an idiot, I agreed to it. It was a trainwreck. She was petty, mean-spirited, vindictive, lazy and caused conflict from day one. I couldn't stand the sight of her. 3 months into the marriage I was ready to get a divorce. Most of our arguments were over something stupid SD had done, and DH's refusal to set her straight. The lack of privacy for DH, and for me in general was another issue. DH didn't feel comfortable having sex while she was in the house, and SD was a homebody. She recently moved out . . begrudgingly at the ripe old age of 27. She lived w/us for over 3 years.

If your SD needs help, recommend that DH do what he can, but do not allow her to move in. I also agree that she and SS will conspire against you. Tell your DH that your SD is an adult, and she needs to learn self-reliance.

SD's also like to feel like they're in competition w/the new wife. Who wants to deal w/this foolishness in a new marriage? Marriage is challenging enough as it is. It's taken me a while to forgive SD for the conflict she caused during a time when I should have been enjoying my new marriage. Nobody should have to go through that. If you don't let her move in, you'll never have to worry about trying to get her out. Don't let DH talk you into this, stick to your guns.

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 3:06pm

Thank you SHANNON61. now i maybe stick to what ive decided. but then the other day that DH and i were talking, he mentioned about me that im mean coz all he wanted is to help but then i said NO. haizzz, its kinda hard. he was telling me about what if someone ask me favor, he would be fine with it. and i told him, it's not the same situation!! and i kept explaining. and he stopped our conversation coz he dont want confrontation.

hopeful_lady's picture

Submitted by hopeful_lady on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 3:14pm

Thank you STEPDOWN. She is not severely ill. she is working too. she is living with her mom, now she said SD and BM dont understand no more she wants to move in the (our) house. Tha'ts what i told to DH too, but right now we're having financial issue also (coz of them) and DH cant help her. that's why DH said SD can use 1 of the room in the house to help her out.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 5:05pm

Are you saying she doesn't get along w/BM? My SD didn't get w/BM either and BM lived alone in a nice house. So why did DH think she'd get along w/me?

Your SD needs to either find a better paying job, work two jobs, or get a roommate if can't afford rent on her earnings. Your DH is trying to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. She's an adult . .not some 18 year-old just starting out. It's time for her to grow up and do what adults do when things get tough . . get a plan and ride it out until things get better.