I want Ss to move out
I feel horrible. But the past few days have been bad. My Dh had a huge fight with Ss on Thursday and he said something that Ss took completely wrong. He was physically trying to push my Dh away and managed to give my Dh a bruise on his cheek. Then when my Dh tried to hold his arms down, Ss was screaming bloody murder. He hates being touched but I think being restrained pushed him over the edge. Then, a few days ago, my Dh goes to talk to talk to Ss and apologize for the comment and Ss threw a glass at him. A real glass. It missed and shattered but it could have really hurt. My Dh told him not to throw things around. That is it. And he starts cleaning up the glass. Then, later when he tried to get Ss to eat, who was throwing his meals away, Ss has a fit and manages to break the tv in his room and punch two holes in the wall. He has not been this physically aggresive for a long while. The anti-deppresants were working great. Now I am fearing for my children's and my own safety.
I do not feel comfortable with him in the house. We have thought about a therapy school with boarding. Someone here suggested it as well. But my Dh refuses to send Ss away anywhere. Ss is such easy target we are affraid he will get abused again. But I am feeling more and more unhappy with him here. The dog idea is still in the air. Ss refuses to go to the shelter. If he refuses to let us help him, what are we supposed to do? I feel like my marriage might end. But that scares me even more. My Dh will get visitation and my children might be accidentally left alone with Ss. I love my Dh and my children would miss him. And the visitation issue just makes it scary to even think about leaving him. I feel stuck. I feel horrible for wishing he was not in the house. I love my Ss but I can't live with him.
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Did you tell your DH what you
Did you tell your DH what you have said here?
I highly doubt that he would
I highly doubt that he would get visitation with SS in the house. Given the degree of physical aggression, the very first thing I would suggest when you leave is to get a restraining order against SS for you and your children. That will not only protect you from him now but also in the event of visitation, it will not be possible for it to take place with him there. He would have to go somewhere else for the duration of the visit. Not legal advice - just my personal suggestion.
I cannot imagine giving that
I cannot imagine giving that ultimatum. I would feel very bad reporting Ss. It all started because my Dh said something that sounded like Ss liked the abuse. That was why he never told anyone. It was not what my Dh meant at all. But it was worded poorly. That is when Ss got very angry and started being destructive. And I know that if I gave the ultiatum, I would be leaving. Ss has no where else to go. And it does not help that the therapist is against a inpatient program.
The therapst thinks inpatient
The therapst thinks inpatient program will hurt Ss more than help him. But I do not want to risky my children's safetly. I already watch him like a hawk. Abused children can sometimes become abusers themselves. I do not want another victim in my family. This behaviour is nearly not as bad as it used to be. But now Ss is bigger and his flailing and hurling objects can actually hurt.
Just playing devil's advocate
Just playing devil's advocate here....Is there a chance SS is using his role as a victim (not to say he isn't) to manipulate and play up the attention. It sounds a bit like your DH might be making him more of a victim. No matter what has happened to him in the past, it's now the past and time to start rebuilding his life.
He threw a glass, he should have been made to clean it up himself.
I don't mean to be harsh but it would be easy for a child to become the victim he is being treated as. You certainly don't want him to become that.
And I completely understand your feelings of wanting him gone from your home, what you are living with must be beyond stressful.
My SS went to an inpatient
My SS went to an inpatient therapy school with boarding at age 14 and stayed for almost a year. He was diagnosed with ODD at age 13 and we saw very little improvement from his outpatient treatment so that was the next step. Unfortunately, we did not see the type of progress we had hoped for. SS had learned to be a master liar/manipulator from BM and he continued to lie and deceive his counselors during treatment. If SS does not want to be there, the inpatient therapy school will not be successful. IMO. Feel free to PM me if you want any details about my experience with the inpatient school.
I can't remember, but is he
I can't remember, but is he in counseling? Are you guys doing family counseling?
Don't give up on this poor child. His mother and stepfather have let him down (that's saying it nicely!) and now you and DH need to step up. This is SUCH a miserable challenge, I know. But this boy deserves some small chance at a normal life.
Please, find a therapist that he can see several times a week. I know you're trying. Ugh, my heart just breaks for you.
Honestly, I think this kid is
Honestly, I think this kid is acting out and trying to find his limits. He's been through a lot, he needs a firm structure supplied by someone who loves him (his dad). In my opinion, inpatient care would be the wrong way to go as it would fuel SS's feelings of abandonment and lack of structure.
Can your DH step up to the plate and separate his feelings of pity for SS from his love for SS? I know he feels sorry for him, and that is natural, but this kid needs someone who can set firm limits. SS should have been told immediately that being destructive is unacceptable. And, given this type of behavior, I would hold off on the pet. You don't want the dog to become an outlet for SS's negative feelings and actions.
I know it's not the same at all, but when my BD8 starts escalating her behavior, I find the best way to deal with it is to get on top of it the second it starts. If I can keep her from going to level zero to level 10, she only ends up at level 2 or 3 and is able to manage her responses better. So immediately addressing negative behavior with a consequence might help in this situation. Be firm, but not harsh.
Does SS like to do art? Maybe a creative outlet for expressing his negative emotions will help.
While my SD15 is not violent,
While my SD15 is not violent, I have similar feelings about her living with us. I do not want her in my house if her behavior is not going to change and she is a negative influence on our other children. I do not want her around them.
So, two days ago, my husband made arrangements for her to go live with her uncle & aunt in Oregon. (He had full custody of her, so she couldn't go back to BM)
The ultimatum that I gave my husband was that if his daughter was going to live with us, then she was going to follow the house rules. I put together a document outlining what house rules would be and the consequences for not following those rules, which were fairly basic and reasonable and the type of behavior we expect from our boys.
When SD15 refused to follow those rules, then I left it up to my husband to figure out what to do. Either he enforced them or he found some place else for her to live. And he ended up doing the latter.
SD15 had an abusive childhood when she living with her BM, so my DH has neverending daddy guilt over it and will never discipline her and lets her get away with everything. There's got to be a point where things in the past stop being an excuse for bad behavior and stop being a crutch.
We had also been looking a therapeutic boarding schools, but my DH wimped out. But I agree with JustAnotherSM that these only work when a child wants to change and is willing to work on improving themselves.
I do not feel guilty about it. It was what was best for the rest of the family with SD15 not being here.
I also gave my dh an
I also gave my dh an ultimatum-behavior changes from ss13, dh, and dh must learn to communicate with me before ss13 can move in here (his bm kicked him out)-dh sent him to live with my mil and fil-but told me it is temporary. However, dh has not and ss13 has not made any moves to change anything in the month he has been at mil's-so I think perhaps it is just easier for both of them for him to stay at mil's. Which is ok, I guess-it is easier for me as well-but i was willing to work on it.
Essentially you have to do what is right for you and your kids-if you dont look after you guys who will?
Ss NEEDS my Dh sometimes. HE
Ss NEEDS my Dh sometimes. HE shows his anger but sometimes only my Dh can calm him down. I think sending him away would make it a lot worse. The online pedophile already put many ideas in Ss's head that we don't love him and we will abandon him. I feel like sending him away would just make him think it is true. I feel like I have no options. The option of sending him away will make me and my kids happy but I know my Dh will be angry at me for making him send Ss away. And as for Ss, I do not know if he can handle suddenly living with strangers.
We have done all the
We have done all the evaluations and consultations. This therapist has truly been a god send. She improved his behaviour so much its like she is a miracle worker. We trust her completely and she says we should not send Ss away. That is why I feel bad. I know it is not the best option for him but it is for me and my kids. And there is no way my Dh would even send Ss away even if that was the recommended option. He would never leave his son again, even if it meant I would leave him. That is how bad the guilt is. I want my Dh to go to therapy again but he refuses. It is frustration on all sides.