Sorting thoughts and feelings
Another note to bf. I haven't made up my mind whether to share either of these last two w/him, but it helps me to reflect upon what our lives and relationship have been.
Dear bf,
Your recent "I have no self-esteem" statement has weighed heavily upon me. I've done everything within my power to provide you with tools to get you to the water independently, but you refuse to drink and often even scoff at or insult me for saying there's water. How long do you think I'm willing to bide happily at your side while you behave as the 'helpless wonder' and expect me to be your personal fountain of peace and happiness, with the only effort on your part to drain and never replenish the goodness that I share? That drains and wears me down. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but I am unwilling to live in this unhealthy torment.
It's as if your attitude is that you have always been satisfied to live your life in chaos and unhappiness; you and BM were perfectly content to live your dysfunctional marriage and family life in chaos and unhappiness; why shouldn't it be fine for me to live in that same stinking mold too? "Why" doesn't matter. I never chose to live like this before you came along, am miserable with this way of life, and want to be done with it yesterday.
How it will be 'done' is the only remaining question. You can either get on board with me and make a sincere effort to build a brighter future for yourself and us together; or deny that your shitty concept of "real life" stinks and keep on conducting your life and relationships in the exact same way that you always have, without me.
- reluctantgma's blog
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Comments
Oh my! That is soo great!!! I
Oh my! That is soo great!!! I did tell my DH these words when I had some clarity and put my boundaries firmly in place. He, like your DH, had such a trailer trash chaotic life with the ex, that that seemed to be the life he continued with me. I finally told him that with the very high standards he was raised with, you know, he had parents with a moral compass and strict standards, that he went into the dumpster, and from that point on, I was unwilling to lower myself to those standards that he and his ex lived by. I said that I expected him to find the better man inside himself, and that man finally emerged!!! He was soo caught up in the chaos that he couldn't see how he affected his OWN life. But now, he is being that good man to himself as well as me, and has left the trash at the curb.
Maybe you should send it to him? Would he be receptive?
Hi stepintexas - wish my bf
Hi stepintexas - wish my bf had any basis of comparison before his trailer trash life with the ex. His parents are negative, controlling people (not necessarily in a trailer trash manner) and actively sabotage any efforts that bf makes or has made to live his own life. They basically taught him that he is not entitled to any self-esteem and it served both his parents and the bm that he took the lesson to heart.
He might listen to me. This is by far one of the least 'attacking' notes I've composed in the past couple of weeks.
Thanks for your note. I'm really torn apart right now. After a couple of years of this, it is a lot easier to accept that nothing is ever going to change and simply move on. What attracted me to bf in the first place was his craving for a better life. Like he'd never known any peace and happiness before he got here. It's just those blasted flip-flops back and forth from the new life we share together and back to the old routine. And that he believes I'm "just lucky" to have previously enjoyed peace and happiness in my life...
It didn't work. Was doing my
It didn't work. Was doing my animal chores in a remote part of the yard when a pup jumped up and scratched me hard. Totally broke down in tears, not from the scratch. Bf was standing nearby when I got up and asked what's wrong. I gave him the 'off the top of my head' version of my note, to which he lashed back with I'll only be happy if everything always goes my way, that I want him to abandon his son and parents. Never even mentioned them, just that I was unhappy and unwilling to live an empty relationship with him in the same mold to which he was accustomed. Then there were insults to me and about my family. That BH is 13 and has never known a day not by his side so how dare I expect more of him.
At this rate, bf and BH will be locked out and their belongings on the porch by Tuesday.
I'm sorry he is such an ass!
I'm sorry he is such an ass! Give him the note anyway and change the locks, maybe he will sit and read it when he is locked out and get a lightbulb moment! That note that you wrote above is clear and he needs to think about his life with you or without you.