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Has becoming a step-parent turned you off of ever having a child/children of your own?

Selene's picture

Submitted by Selene on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:04am

I've NEVER wanted kids and since becoming a step-mother (SD 9 and SS 4.5), that feeling has only solidified further! I've always loved being an Auntie; I get along fine with kids. I've never wanted to be bothered with the whole 24/7 parenthood thing though. The step-kids and I get along just fine, but they annoy the daylights out of me. It's as if someone has to be paying complete attention to them every waking moment. My DH and his ex-wife and everyone else pander to these kids so much and I just can't do it! I'm sure there is some unspoken competition between ex-spouses to try and be the favorite parent, but the world generally seems to revolve around children. There's been a major shift in parenting from when I came of age in the 80s. My parents were great, but they didn't let my sisters and I decide everything and rule the roost. These days, kids seem to lead parents around by the nose which is ridiculous. No wonder there are so many kids with serious entitlement issues and bad attitudes.

My DH and his ex-wife split custody 50/50. During the times the kids are at our house, I honestly count down the hours until they are gone again. I view the weekends when we do not have the kids as a mini-vacation. I absolutely cherish the time DH and I have alone and it always goes by too fast. I get depressed about mid-week when the kids come back to us and are going to be with us for the upcoming weekend. Those weekends drag on for what feels like forever. I do feel that right now it's a function of them being at very annoying ages. I'm sure some will disagree, but I (probably naively) look forward to teen years when they are into their OWN things and don't want to be around adults. Right now, they are like a full-time enema! }:)

Comments

gtrmom's picture

Submitted by gtrmom on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:35am

Lol, an enema!

I can somewhat relate to what you are feeling, but I always wanted to have my bio kids.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel, I grew up in the 80's as well & that is how DH & I are raising our BS4. SD on the other hand is how you explain your SC to be. DH doesn't spoil her, but it seems that BM, BM's XDH, & their family always cater to her & do as she likes. Every time she comes to us it's a rude awaking, we are not mean but we don't allow her to run our house.

DH & I are both former military & so we try to run our house with order & discipline not with fear. We tell the kids "if you respect us, we'll respect you".

Have you always felt that you did not want to have children? If so, then maybe having part-time children is best for you. Think about it this way, they've come pre-assembled for you. You don't have to change diapers, breast or bottle feed, feed every 2 hrs or any of those other WONDERFUL duties! ;-D

Selene's picture

Submitted by Selene on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 12:29pm

Correct, gtrmom; I've always known I did not want children myself. I get along with kids.....just never had the drive to become a Mom. Hats off to those who do because it's obviously tough! My oldest sister got pregnant as a teenager and I saw her struggle to get by and it really made an impression on me. I never wanted that kind of life. I was only 11 when my nephew was born; the whole situation scared the hell out of me (I just remember my sis moving out, getting married and living in poverty for years on end).

A lady I work with who has two adult children has told me if I don't have kids, I'm certainly not missing anything. And she gets along great with her kids!!

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:42am

Ive been reading for a while.. and LOVE this site.. had to join. Nothing like a WHOLE bunch of people that GET it!

Anywho.. sd was about 18 months when fdh and I met. I LOVED her! I enjoyed every time she was with us, and always encouraged him to pick her up early/keep her an extra day. Im not sure if my feelings changed as she got older or after I had my own baby. SD is now 4 and I know how you guys feel when you say you cant wait for them to go home! Her attitude is awful, her BM does not discipline and I know all about this dad letting her sleep in the bed till I came around thing.

I think part of it is her age but the other part is me having my own baby and have that super love connection to my own. I try not to flip out everytime she hovers/touches him when I know her hands are dirty etc.. lol.

I definitely see how someones feelings change about kids after being around the skids for so long. I do miss those times where it was just us. I still think I want another though..

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

Submitted by Soon-to-be-Step... on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 11:56am

Honestly no. I think it makes me even more eager to be a parent, because I know how much differently I would raise my child, and I can't wait to show my husband how I would do things. I feel like I have no say in most things related to SD, not because of my DH but more because of BM. I feel distant from my SD because she already has a Mom that claims the title when it suits her, so I do all the work but get the least recognition. With my own child in the future I know it will feel much more rewarding.

workinthruthetoughstuff's picture

Submitted by workinthrutheto... on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 12:19pm

Absolutely. I always thought I wanted children...in fact I became a teacher because I enjoyed being around children. AFter 6 years of full custody of SD(now 16), I realize that I am glad that we never had another child. We wanted one and were trying when we got custody, then put off trying to allow us to focus on her needs. I invested myself into the role of her 'mom' completely - I didn't know another way to do it. But as she approached the teenage years things got bad, high school got a hell of a lot worse. She is no longer with us, as we did support nor encourage her bad choices and we expected her to follow basic rules. There is no way I want to go through that hurt again. The pain she has caused has made me second guess all the choices I make in my life and job.

StarStuff's picture

Submitted by StarStuff on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 12:59pm

Having SD7 around has only made me realize that I really do want my own kids someday. I really enjoy the whole "family" thing, and now I feel a little lost when she's not around. SO (and by proxy, me) has full custody of SD, so I am pretty much SD's mom. I just hope that we continue to get along as SD gets older and I pray that she doesn't get pregnant young like her mom did. The thought of it scares the crap outta me - I'm already plotting the sex/STI talk that we're going to have with SD one day, lol.