Letter to BM - need input
Okay ladies, this one is for real.
SD15 first brought up living with us a year ago. She's gotten progressively more miserable with BM and this summer capped it - despite the stress of moving house, she was more comfortable here than at home. Every time we've talked to her since she got back home, she has asked if we've started the process yet. (We spend 2 hours a week on the phone with her on average)
DH hasn't formally said anything to BM yet. Despite this, SD15 is facing HUGE amounts of pressure from BM, BM's family, and some of her friends to back out, but she's refusing to recant. BM is trying to guilt her, and is telling her that she will drive the family into bankruptcy (won't take much, from what we've pieced together) to prevent us from taking her away.
We have a phone consultation with a father's rights lawyer in her state early next week.
DH believes that BM is sticking her head in the sand and ignoring reality. He wants to avoid court, and is willing to offer concessions - no CS (in her state, she wouldn't pay hardly any anyway, she's been unemployed for a year) extremely generous visitation, and even help with transportation costs. Compare this to 8 weeks total visitation, all transportation costs, and 30% of his net pay in CS. I told him not to TELL her this, but...
So, I'm trying to figure out a non-confrontational way to tell BM that yes, we want SD15. Comments on the below?
BM,
SD15 has been asking to live with us for a year now. We want the same. What would it take to make this happen in a reasonable way so she can start the 2012 school year in NC?
DH
*I* figure that this will unleash the crazy. We have recording equipment on all phones, and of course there's email and text messages. If we're lucky, she'll go off on all of her objections so we can prep for court. DH doesn't want to start the mud-slinging, but she will start it, and after that, he claims he will go for her head on a spike - he'll bring in allegations of physical and verbal abuse. She'll prove those with her words beforehand.
As it stands, I'm very nervous of our chances. Child's preference means diddly-squat, but he's gone through a pretty significant change of circumstances. We're hoping that having a "just as good" household, combined with a teenager's preference will be enough.
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Comments
Teens wishes usually play a
Teens wishes usually play a part in a judges decision IF they can present a mature and logical case as to why they want to change homes. It also has be more then "I just want to". Teens are famous for thr grass is greener on the other side way of thinking.
Something important you must realize is that the change in circumstances that get looked at for custody changes deal with the CHILD'S circumstances, not the parents. So dad getting a better job, a bigger house or remarried has little to no bearing on the child's situation. You need to be looking at things that have changed in her life.
Good luck!
Short and consise looks good
Short and consise looks good to me. The judge and GAL will probably take the teen's wishes into account and use that in part of their decision, especially if the households are equal and the child has shown no major behavior issues at one or the other.
Huh. I've seen repeatedly on
Huh. I've seen repeatedly on other forums that a child's wishes do NOT constitute a change in circumstances. Nor should they IMO - how many times have we seen skids abandon the house with rules and discipline for a free-for-all fun house?
For those who are interested, the following is part of the record of every custody case write-up in Louisiana (with my comments):
As provided by La. C.C. art. 134, the factors considered may include:
(1) The love, affection, and other emotional ties between each party and the child. (strong relationship on both sides)
(2) The capacity and disposition of each party to give the child love, affection, and spiritual guidance and to continue the education and rearing of the child. (This is going to be an issue - BM is extremist evangelical, we're agnostic - the state is legally supposed to ignore religion, but then they include THIS)
(3) The capacity and disposition of each party to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, and other material needs. (equal enough that this won't matter either way)
(4) The length of time the child has lived in a stable, adequate environment, and the desirability of maintaining continuity of that environment. (BM moved her 2 years ago but has been CP for 8 years - the court will want to maintain status quo)
(5) The permanence, as a family unit, of the existing or proposed custodial home or homes. (BM remarried 5 years ago, and SD15 has been around her half-brother since his birth)
(7) The mental and physical health of each party. (We've got clean bills of health and psych evals; BM has medical problems and is in therapy - it won't matter)
(8) The home, school, and community history of the child. (Again, 2 years, and lots of moving before that)
(9) The reasonable preference of the child, if the court deems the child to be of sufficient age to express a preference. (This is the one we're counting on. For a teenager, SD15 is remarkably articulate - she refers to schools, activities, and general supportive atmosphere when she cites her reasons for moving)
(10) The willingness and ability of each party to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the child and the other party. (We have to pester SD15 to call BM - but she rarely calls us when she's at BM's. We call twice a week, and she will chatter for over an hour each time)
(11) The distance between the respective residences of the parties. (1000 miles)
(12) The responsibility for the care and rearing of the child previously exercised by each party. (DH got as little as BM allowed - and laid down and took it)
Good point on "I" vs. "we". I stay OUT of communication with BM - it's one of her primary beefs. Then again, DH doesn't communicate with BM much either - the last time he actually spoke to her was in May; through summer visitation, all he got were text messages implying we were blocking phone access to SD15. Again, I have to laugh; we were on her every other day, "when do you want to call your mother?" which got a groan and eyeroll.
BM is going to try to drag me into this - I look forward to it. All it will do is prove her animosity, while I refuse to respond.
This could be a challenge if
This could be a challenge if your DH wants to avoid court. If BM fights it, and it sounds like she will, you will need and attorney and some thick skin.
We did a FT custody change when SD was 13. Her mom didn't fight it, though. (Only thing she fought was paying CS, which she never did.)
It's too bad it's so late in the summer. Perhaps you could have offered a "trial" during the summer to see how it worked out.
There's not usually a magic age that the child suddenly controls where they live. Hell, think of all the drama teenagers bring. If they chould chose where to live, they'd be moving each time they got mad at their custodial parent.