Darkbunny, get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin STAT!

Being a SM is like going out and finding some random kid on the street that hates you and is being taught to hate you by his/her parents. . . then trying to love this child!! You are not an ogre and the feelings you are having are PERFECTLY NORMAL!!

Just b/c the skid shares half his chromosomes with the man you love, doesn't guarantee your love or respect.

First off, stop beating yourself up. It's ok not to like her because of her personality and character. You didn't raise her. If you leave and come back when she's in college, she'll likely be worse if someone doesn't put her on the right path. Find a way to accept and get past your feelings. Talk to your DH about the issues you see, but do it from a place of love so he doesn't think you're picking on her because it could eventually destroy your marriage. Encourage him to discuss the things you've mentioned to her so she'll know that you see through her foolishness.

I too used to beat myself up for feeling the same way about my (SD 27 and still lives w/us). But I gave myself permission to feel that way based upon the things she's done to me and her personality. She's nothing like my DH and thinks because she has an advanced degree, that she's better than and smarter than everyone else. And don't even get me started on how DH's has coddled her.

But I forgive her and love her as a human being because it's what I'm supposed to do. But I can love anyone from a far, and it doesn't mean we'll have a close relationship. But I pray for her and wish her the best because I know she's going to need it. DH and BM should have taught her that the content of her character and the way you treat others are worth more than any academic recognition, and that people are your greatest asset! She's to be pitied. Sadly, she doesn't have a good relationship w/her BM either.

I dislike my ss13-and I did raise him from ages 1-9. I tried so hard to make/keep a connection with him, show him values/morals, love him-but ultimately it failed. I had a hard time at first-ages 9-10 accepting that HE really couldnt stand ME and that all the love, attention, money etc that I had showered on him as well as the hard work of helping with homework, going to pt conferences, sports events was all for naught. I was quite bitter for several years. At this point i no longer care. I have 3 kids of my own, a career, a dh-I dont have to have ss's love to complete me. It sure would make things easier-but I can live without it. What I found I cannot do without is my dh's support in this matter-he must back me, he must address his son's issues or I canNOT do this eowe thing with him in my home. We've talked extensively about him visiting away from the home and already have a plan in place if it becomes necessary. We are seeing how things go right now. (my dh was away for 6 months due to military and we didnt see ss)so he's only had 2 visits since dh returned home. Both of them he was unpleasant. Dh did the epic fail on the first one but sure rallied for the second visit.

I can put up with the majority of ss's noxious behaviors as long as dh backs me. There are a few things I cant put up with and are an immediate out-physical aggression towards my kids, threats of severe physical aggression, any sort of bizarre sexually related behavior, etc. Perhaps if you can talk to your dh and somehow get him to see you are on the same team things would go better. I am sure you want the family to function at its best and right now you are having a problem with that-your dh is the person you should go to to work this out-however, I know from my own experience that they have a hard time hearing these things.

I understand completely. I just could NOT like my SD25, either. It really wasn't any one particular thing she did. A lot of her lifestyle and attitude of entitlement grates my nerves--and even though I would not choose to be with her socially, I made the effort to pretend I cared. That was in the beginning. It's just gotten to the point I disengaged from her completely. She is not my child. I did not raise her (all kids were adults when DH and I met). I do not like that she thinks she can do whatever she wants and let everyone else pay the consequences for it. I just don't LIKE her. I don't TRUST her. She is everything you raise your child NOT to be. This has nothing to do with "loving" a step child. I simply do not LIKE her...she's not anyone I can see wanting in my life. I felt guilty when I first realized this....but I don't anymore. I do not HAVE to tolerate her or put up with her crap. I've adopted the attitude that she is DH and BM's mess. They've allowed her to think she is hot shit in a champagne glass, when she's really warm beer in a dixie cup!

I'm in this seemingly not-so-minority. The selfishness, manipulative,negative-attention, drama-seeking missile. SD12 manifests it all. the SS/9 is the same and regressing with babytalk that drives me batty. and the 'i don't feel like setting the table' and 'no thank you, i don't want to walk the dog or go to the country club (which I joined for the 'family' " ....
the compulsiveness, the lack of awareness, the co-dependency (fostered by both parents)...

Its classic divorced child behavior, but my well of empathy hath run very dry. I have yet, in 3years, allowed myself to laugh uncontrollably, be vulnerable, get close or invest too heartily. the BM is a continual typhoon-like force who cannot let the children go even a few hours a day without touching base. In recent months, 100s (yes HUNDREDS) of texts/emails between BM and SD12 when SD12 is with us on the weekends....the discussions are more friends than parent/child.

Question...how do I prevent this from infecting my marriage, which has already been adversely affected?