You are here

Family Dynamic Shift

astra's picture

Submitted by astra on Thu, 06/16/2011 - 11:49pm

I always feel so much more stressed during the summer. My SS12 is usually here from the beginning of June till mid-August. I always look forward to it before he gets here and then find myself frustrated and irritated with him within the first week.

I've tried to understand why this is so when he really isn't that annoying for a kid and we seem to have a lot of things in common. I've noticed that when it's just the two of us I often feel less stressed and irritated than when it is DH, SS12 and I and I think this is because I am annoyed by the dynamic the three of us share. When it is just SS12 and I he doesn't ignore me or tacitly exclude me from things. He argues a lot less. As soon as DH enters the picture though, it's like I'm an after-thought to SS12. SS12 becomes very clingy of DH and hovers about him in what I call, 'approval seeking mode.' During all this if I am mentioned at all my name will be tacked on to the end of sentences like, "Oh and Astra too, I guess." I think that SS12 is trying to bond himself to his Dad by trying to exclude me.

Ironically, compounding this is that DH is hyper-sensitive to this behavior of SS12's. He notices it and doesn't let it continue. Really I shouldn't complain since DH never lets SS12 get away with disrespecting or disobeying me; however, sometimes DH's way of dealing with the problem makes things worse because often DH will seek more one-on-one time with me to the exclusion of SS12.
Whenever DH pays more attention to me, SS12 just tries that much harder to bond himself to DH, and since the only way he knows how to do that is by ignoring me, it usually ends up that SS12 just separates himself from both of us and goes into hiding. I can tell this stresses DH out, as it should, but when I try to explain what I think is going on he tells me to, "stop trying to exclude yourself."

The whole thing is just obnoxious. I feel like if SS12 and I were closer that it wouldn't even start, but then I also wonder if this is just wishful thinking. It's only been a week but I'm already finding myself wishing I could stay at work longer during the day.

Comments

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Fri, 06/17/2011 - 5:54am

Are you guys NCPs? With that long in the summer, it sounds like it.

12 was a tough age for us. DH and I had just gone through some major upheaval and new self-development, and we were determined to be The! Best! Parents! Ever! Instant recipe for disaster. SD was just barely starting to emerge from her tween self-centeredness. It was an absolutely miserable 6 weeks that year.

I think what helped us was that SD (now 15) started to gain a better sense of self independent of her parents. She now seeks a different kind of attention; she would rather sit around and talk with BOTH of us than have Daddy's sole attention. SD15 and I have a pretty tight bond, but it took years to develop.

I'm not sure I have any advice; I do have a lot of sympathy though.

smiles gone's picture

Submitted by smiles gone on Fri, 06/17/2011 - 7:49am

I havr tried to understand why stepkids do what they do. Regardless of age, being a step kid seems to come with all kinds of excuses..
I don't believe that is right. If u have someone that is taking care of you, then stop complaining.
If they were growing up in "our times" there would be none of this "sk needs to spend more time with bp," it would be you either do what your told, no mouthing back or your butt was sore... Why is that such a bad thing?
I have a sd12, who I can't stand to be around because of all the not following rules, not being honest, not asking. She tries to make me out to be the bad guy. Ex, my son was having a bday party, checked the calendars. Next thing I know a teacher is along me if I got the note from school saying 8th grade promotion was that night and sd was supposed to play in band.... No note was brought home... Next thing I hear was, my bs's name being thrown around as the excuse for her not going to the event. She couldnt because we had a party planned... No more, didn't mention anything to her about a bday party that sd couldnt miss out on.... But, that was he r excuse..
I am officially done. I don't care, if she doesn't follow the rules when she gets back after the summer, she wil be sleeping on the floor.
The bs of the kids needing to spend one on one time with their parent, is over rayed. This is just another excuse for their behavior since no one seems to think they can fix it, they give in.... Sorry, but if ur patents were still together, would that b the same excuse....
Ask and compare why is there a difference or reason for stepkids and biokids to have different excuses for their behavior. Age wise, yes; but step vs bio, no...
I say heads, honesty needs to b addressed with step kid, if nothing changes then maybe it is not worth evenconsidering changing things for....