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Second Time Step Dad

spiral_gypsy's picture

Submitted by spiral_gypsy on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:56pm

Hey Gang,

I'm a second time step dad. I'm exhausted as I write this. I've been remarried about 3 1/2 years. Most of the time the marriage is good.

We have three kids. My son is 11. I have a step son (14) and a step daughter (18).

New stress has arisen with my step daughter trying to go to college. Needless to say neither mom nor dad saved a penny. We had an agreement for her to do a couple years at a Junior College and "prove herself".

My wife has found a trade oriented college for her which costs about 30K. My step daughter would borrow 20K and my wife would borrow 9 to 10K.

I'm not sure how to approach this or even how involved I should be. I've already decided that I personally won't sign any papers. I haven't even paid off my own student loans yet.

I'm willing to pitch in. I see my role as the guy who pitches in a couple hundred bucks once in a while. I'm not the guy who signs papers.

I'm not that close to my step daughter. I came into the picture when she was 14.

I want to help and yet keep my distance. I care and yet don't want to be totally drained. I'm not getting any younger. I want to enjoy life a little bit myself. I've been fantasizing about a trip to Hawaii.

I believe in God and don't want to be the bad guy. I've been paying other peoples bills a long time though. This is blended family number 2. The first one lasted 7 years and left me bankrupt.

How do I walk this tight rope of help plus some distance????

Comments

spiral_gypsy's picture

Submitted by spiral_gypsy on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 10:11pm

Your post made me laugh.

The whole purpose of love is to blind us so we make illogical decisions. I guess it promotes propagation of the species.

Bio-Dad is in the picture. He's not a dead beat. Bio mom's not being too ard on me. She's trying to act like if she obligates for 9k it won't effect me - but that's impossible. All our money goes into a joint account.

I did create a seperate account about six months ago. It's my walk around money account. She doesn't fight me on it. I work to hard to be completely strapped.

Bio-Dad is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober about a year and has been helping more.

I guess I got to let Bio-mom and Dad figure the college out and stick toa background role.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 10:18am

I think that is wise. Why would you feel the need to chip in anything financially for college?

I have known SS12 and SD15 since they were 9 and 12. I'd never even think of paying for their schooling. I barely buy them a meal.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 8:03am

I think your decision not to sign papers is a very wise decision. I liked the way you posted about being willing to pitch in a couple hundred dollars now & then...being willing & generous enough to help when it's needed rather than complaining about it being an obligation.

I suppose having had previous experience in a blended family gave you a heads-up to what it's all about. It's uplifting to know that not everyone swears it off after the first experience. Smile

My SS will be 18 in July. He has a year of high school yet to go, but has been asking DH about financing for it. We are in the same boat, where neither parent has saved anything to put toward it. I don't believe that parents should be obligated to fund their children's college education.

My DH suggested SS join the military & take advantage of their education benefits. Between BM living off the state & DH scraping by on what he makes, I know the kids will be able to qualify for grants of some kind. I figure whatever they don't get in grants, they can assume responsibility for loans for their education.

My parents had 9 children. There's no way they could've paid to put us through school. For those who chose to go to college, they provided a roof over our heads & food in our bellies, but what wasn't covered by grants & loans was paid by the child. Those of us who chose not to go to college (this is the group I was in) were expected to work full-time out of high school & move into our own place & support ourselves. I regret not going, but place the blame on myself for not feeling the motivation to do it. Not one day have I blamed my parents for not shelling out the money on my behalf.

Is there a reason your SD is only borrowing part of the money & your wife is borrowing the rest? Does your wife feel obligated to do that? Has she considered or have you brought up the fact that in obligating herself to 10k she's spending your money as well?