I think you are going to have to tell her, sooner than later. You don't want her to hear it from someone else when she is older, that will backfire on you.
And I am glad that you acknowledge that asking about it really wasn't your SS's fault-any kid is going to ask that question-I mean, obviously SS knew his dad wasn't her bio dad.

Well the longer you leave it the more likely she is to distrust you in the future. She believes her SF is her father. Then she finds out the man she loves as her father really isn't. So what other lies or secrets have been kept from her?

It is like she was adopted (without the legal stuff). And she didn't meet her BF, he met her because she has no recall about him.

I think you should sit her down and tell her that the man who is her birth father couldn't be a father and a daddy to her. And your DH is the man who is her daddy. A daddy is someone who works hard and provides you food and a house and toys and love and looks after her in thunder storms and takes her to the Dr and makes sure Santa comes. Her birth father can't do those things because he lives somewhere else.

So the next time one of his kids say "no her real dad" you can say "DH is her real dad because he is a good man with enough love in his heart for everyone. Her birth father is not in the picture."

See, you chose to associate with this man and had a child by him just as my daughter will have to deal with her stupid ex b/friend as long as her 4 yr old daughter is a minor. So face up to the reality and tell it how it is. The other guy let you down and DH is a terrific man who took his place and is your daughter's dad.

I have been "Dad" to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. I am the only full time dad he has ever had.

He has also had SpermIdiot and SpermClan visitation begining a few months before his mom and I married extending until his 18th b-day last August.

So, we have never had the "who is your real dad" talk. He knows who his "real" dad is ..... ME! and who his SpermDad is (no offense intended for those who do not like that title. This instance it was meant only as a descriptor).

We have never bad mouthed the SpermIdiot or the SpermClan in front of our son (at least since he was 2-3). However, we have never kept the facts of his birth or the facts of his SpermClan's issues from him. We temper them to be age appropriate.

You can address this by starting the "adoption" discussion with her now so that she is eased in to the idea that your DH is her "real" dad because he chooses to be.

My SS and I have a very close relationship and he knows that I am his dad, will always be his dad, because I choose to be his dad.

My wife was raised by her StepDad who married my MIL when my wife was 2mos old. My MILs first husband was killed in a car accident when my MIL was 2mos pregnant with my wife. Her StepDad is the only dad she has ever known though she has always had a relationship with her BioDad's family. My FIL and my wife have the closest relationship in my IL's family. She has three younger sibs and my FIL is far closer to my wife than his own genetic children and even closer to my wife than he is to MIL. My wife and FIL have a special bond not only because they are the most alike but because my FIL chose to be my wife's Dad(dy).

It is only a matter of time before your Skids let the topic slip either as an accident or because of machinations by BM.

You are far better served to inform your DD-7 with a special dinner with just the three of your (DD, DH, you) than for her to find out from her StepSibs.

I am a firm believer that a parent is the person who performs the actions of parenting and has little to nothing to do with the genetic contribution. Fortunately most kids have the benefit of having their true parent and their genetic parent being the same person but the value does not come from the genes, it comes from the love, commitment and support of the true parent.

All IMHO of course.

DH is not SD9's real dad. But he came into her life when she was only about a year old. SD12 has asked me before if DH is SD9's real dad and all I've told her is, I didn't think she should be asking ME that. That's something she should ask her mom or dad.

I'm fairly certain when DH got custody of all three skids, including SD9 BM told her that DH wasn't her real father. No one even knows who her real father is, I'm 99% sure BM doesn't even know, otherwise, she would have been milking that guy for CS all along - that's just how she is. Instead, DH paid it and when it came time to get custody, the judge waived away the birth certificate and opted to look over the CS order that had been in place for three years that BM had filled out stating DH was SD's biological father.

Your question is one I've often thought about. How do we tell her? When do we tell her? But right now I'm also wondering does she already know? I find it entirely believable that BM would have told her out of spite because DH got custody.

I know that didn't help a whole lot, but we're going through something similar and I'm looking forward to an further comments/suggestions.

Explaining this type of thing to a child is better done at a young age. My SD found out at 13 (by BM) and 3 years later, there are still issues. IMO, she has heard the Skids talk about it and probably has mini questions stewing in her head...even if the convo was cut short, she would have seen/heard your reaction, so bringing it up should be easier, such as "hey, I know you heard Skid say ****, right?" See what her reaction is to that & go from there....your DH would need to explain that he didn't MAKE her but that he LOVES her and always will...that kinda thing.

It's embarrassing, but I was raised in an environment where there were many children being raised by non BD's and the actual names/locations of BD's were unknown and a favorite saying was "anyone can be a father, but it takes a special love to be a daddy".

Enforcing the fact that while she may not be your DH's by blood, that he will always love her and care for her is key...treat it like an adoption...he CHOSE her! Nothing is more special than that for a kid...

Good luck!

The younger she is when she finds out, the less backlash there will be. She doesn't need to understand the whole situation or details, she can learn those as she gets older. If you wait much longer, she's going to be devastated...especially about being lied to. I would tell her now, in an age appropriate way, and fill her in on the details when she's older.

If her birth father is going to try and contact her, he will do it whether or not she knows the truth. The truth is almost always the way to go in situations like these.

I have a friend who was raised by her stepfather from a very young age. I mean, he adopted her and all that. She told me she thinks the world of him because he stepped into her and her mom's life and raised her like she was his own. I should ask her when and how he was told.

I agree, the sooner the better on this one. AND, I would not make a big deal out of it. Just a sort of sideways mention about DH being her daddy but not actually her father. Explain to her (in simple terms) that another guy actually "created" her but her daddy is the one who is there for her every day. The sooner she is allowed to get used to this idea and the less emphasis you put on it, the better, in my opinion.

My two oldest kids dad is deceased. My dh has been in there life since they were 9 months and 2-so they only have memories of him. My first dh had some significant issues-alcoholic, addicted to painkillers, and killed in a bad way, I just told them from a very early on that they had another father that was in heaven. That was the easy part. Just made it part of "their story" so to speak and they jsut accepted it. When they got older my daughter started asking lots of questions-that's when I had to sit down and tell her some of the negatives-she was only about 7 and it was way before I wanted to be having that discussion-but she brought it up so I did. My son who will be 12 next week-never mentions his bio father (he was the 9 month old) and in fact, forgets that dh is not his real father. it is a complete nonissue for him and he's never asked a single question about his real dad.

On a side note, we used to have issues with ss in this area. He and my dd were in teh same grade at school. He seemed to like going to school and telling all their classmates about dd's dead dad to the point that all the other kids would ask about it and she would cry. He did this repeatedly every few months or so for about a year. I finally told him if I ever heard of him doing it again I was going to beat his ass until it was black and blue. Not one of my finer parenting moments, but I didnt know any other way to get him to stop. He did stop.

Okay, this is what my friend said. It wasn't her it was her "half" brother:

Actually, that wasn't me. My parents were each others second marriage, and I was the only child from them. They each have kids from their first marriages, however. My dad's first wife cheated on him and got pregnant, but my dad raised him as his own. He found out as a teenager that my dad wasn't his real father and nothing was ever the same after that. I think she should know the truth, but not too late because teenagers tend to freak out.