John Rosemond is a family psychologist who has a nationally syndicated newspaper colunm. For the most part, he is straight on with his answers to parents regarding their children, bio or step. I have often dropped the paper in my DH's lap whenever there's anything related to our situation. Whether you agree with John or not, his column is usually pretty interesting. The following is a question from his 10/24/10 column, thought it might hit home with a few of us.

Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom’s. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn’t respect us. Any advice?

A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter’s best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.

Let’s be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child’s disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it’s not going to solve the problem.

There are, in fact, some problems that just aren’t solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you’re going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is “grin and bear it.”

By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to “bug” the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.