I need advice re: 19 year old step son still at home
Where do I begin? I suppose from the beginning.
I met my now husband back in 2007. He has two boys, one of which lives with him. I moved in with him in 2008 with my son and daughter. Everyone got along great, the kids, us, etc. It was awesome. Since this time, my son has moved out of the house and is now 23 years old. My daughter is 11 and the step son is now 19. We were married two years ago and then my husband joined the Army.
When we first moved in, the house was in complete disarray. Over the past few years, I have gotten everything organized, cleaned up, etc. My step son seems to have difficulty with this new way of life. He has become very disrespectful to me and I'm not sure why. I do so much for him and try to treat him with respect, however I do not get any respect in return from him.
Example 1
He will clean his room, but everything he has on the floor or that he wants to get rid of, he dumps in the family room outside of his bedroom. So now it looks like a dumping ground on my pool table.
Example 2
He has his OWN bathroom in his bedroom, yet he will use the main bathroom and completely trash it. He gets frequent nose bleeds and will use tissue paper to soak up the blood and then drop them on the floor (after I've put a big trash can in the bathroom and told him to use it)
Example 3
We have paid his car insurance for him for over a year. His dad helped him re-build a 1974 VW bug and he recently seized the engine because he was too lazy to put oil into it. Now he is driving one of our vehicles and constantly lets it run out of gas and I have to go and rescue him.
Example 4
This one is still fresh on my mind. I took him to buy a few toiletries, etc. tried to talk to him, get buddy-buddy. I bought sushi for dinner as it is his favorite. We had plenty left over, so I made each of us a lunch box for the following day and told him, this is YOUR box and this one is MINE. Do not eat my sushi. Well, I get ready to go to work this morning and open up my lunch box and my sushi has been devoured.
These are just a few examples of what happens in my house. I seem to get no support from my husband (who is currently out of town for pre-deployment training) or from his family regarding these issues. I even sent pictures of the messes that he has left to my mother in law and she said, "Well, pictures do not lie". As if "I" am lying about all of this?
I need some advice. Anyone out there who can help?
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Comments
Your DH needs to talk to HIS
Your DH needs to talk to HIS son about boundaries, and respect for you and the household. He doesn't want to comply because he feels he doesn't have to, and he knows he won't suffer any consequences if he doesn't.
It sounds like he is intentionally doing things to annoy you and is a lazy slob to boot. Why isn't DH stepping up to set him straight? DH needs to learn that if you have a problem, he has a problem. Send DH pictures and tell him that he needs to address the issue immediately. He needs to put the fear of God in his son. I also think that SS feels you infringed upon his territory and that it's HIS dad's house. . .which is why DH needs to set him straight and correct him.
I had that same problem w/SD (27). After we got married, I moved in w/them. SD would leave dirty dishes for 3 days, not replace tissue in the bathroom, intentionally not set the security alarm, leave the iron on, leave the bathroom mirror a disgusting mess, . . . and the list goes on and on. I reamed DH but good and demanded that he set her straight and make her accountable for cleaning up behind herself and respecting the household. He got in her behind because I rode his. I think she felt that this was her daddy's house, so she could do what she wanted (live like a slob) . . .wrong! I told DH I wasn't living in a pig sty for any body. And I meant it.
Good luck!
Change the locks and don't
Change the locks and don't let SS in. If this behavior persists, when DH is deployed, then change the locks and it is a done deal.
A minor child is one thing but a 19yo gets no tolerance. They follow the rules or they are gone. When you change the locks put an envelope with the card for each of the local armed forces recruiters and write SS-19's name on the envelope.
Please give your DH my thanks for his service.
Best regards,