I NEED HELP
i recently married about six month ago, i have no children of my own and have grown attached to my four year old step son. i love him as if he was my own and i could not be happier he is in my life. however not everything is that simple. my stepson has a mother who yells at him if he says my name. i have works so hard to form a bond with this child, he has finally excepted me into his life but yet when he goes home she punishes him for caring about me. i dont know what to do. i dont want to say or do anything that will change his opinion of his mother. i was his primary care giver for quite some time but she got angry and took him back. i am constantly worried about him, she lives so far away and when she is mad she with holds visitation all together. we have tried everything to atleast get minium visitation but indiana is a mothers state and it seems like they refuse to enforce my hubands visitation rights.... i finally excepted him and he excepted me, we were finally becoming a family and now she is discouraging that same bond. what do i do? please respnd!
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Has your husband filed for
Has your husband filed for contempt? If not, he needs to.
My DH & I are now dealing with the end results of his ex alienating him/us from his kids, & after nearly 2 years of no contact his son is just starting to realize that he missed out on something important by not having his dad in his life.
There is a book called, "Divorce Poison". It talks about Parental Alienation & the different tactics that parents use to alienate their children from the other parent. EXCELLENT book. I wish I had found it before our situation reached the point where we literally had no options. DH had no access to his kids, & having read that book, it hurt to know that there were things we could've done to help prevent it.
When I read it, I checked it out from our local library. I read it twice before it was due back. I wished I'd purchased my own copy just to have on hand. Just in the last couple of days I purchased a copy. You can find it fairly cheap on Ebay.
It's hard to fathom a mother making her own child feel guilty for her own pleasure, but it happens more than you would ever imagine.
Please tell your husband to continue fighting for his visitation. His child needs him (& you) in his life. He needs to know that there are people he can turn to when he needs them, & the more he has, the better off he'll be. He needs to know he's loved & he needs to know that he's worth fighting for.
Him & your husband, both, are fortunate to have you in their lives. Many stepkids don't have good relationships with their SM's/SD's. Your SS is lucky to have a SM who truly loves him, & your husband is blessed to have a wife he can count on to be by his side to support him in his efforts to be a father to his son. (((Hugs))) to you. Tell your husband to stick with the fight. His child needs him.
thank you so much, it means
thank you so much, it means alot to have some one understand where i am coming from. my husnad has been great but this is all new to me... we have only been married for six months. its nice to feel appricated, we will file that form ASAP. i cant imagion going two years with out seeing him.
the childs mother is doing this to hurt me. it makes me feel that if i leave she will let my husband see his son, i would never abandon my family but if it means he can be with his father...
"the childs mother is doing
"the childs mother is doing this to hurt me. it makes me feel that if i leave she will let my husband see his son, i would never abandon my family but if it means he can be with his father..."
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I brought this up with my DH several times before we got married. I told him I felt like if I wasn't there his kids would have no reason to not want to be with him. He assured me that he was not going to give up life for himself to "please" the children. He assured me that this was about BM's need to control & her need to feel noticed. Actually what it came down to was her jealousy. Not because I was thinner, prettier, or anything. It wasn't that kind of jealousy. Hers stems from guilt. She left her kids for 4 years & came back when she had nothing left. She came back ready to step back in where she left off but saw that DH was raising them fine without her. Of course they missed her, but she realized they didn't NEED her. They were getting by.
SD & I had a great relationship. She was 5 when we met. We spent a lot of time doing fun things together, & BM wasn't having it. That's when the alienation started.
If the site was fully functional, more people would see your post & you would know that there are many more people here than just me who understand where you are coming from & would have more advice to share with you. Hopefully they will have things back in order soon.
Don't feel like this is happening because of you. If it wasn't you, it'd be whoever was there in your place. Chances are, BM sees you being good to her child & she feels threatened because she knows her child loves you & she isn't willing to share that with anyone.
When I met my DH & he was raising his kids without a mother...I know it sounds cheesy, but I took to his kids & they took to me & I felt like God put me there for them. I wanted kids but didn't have any of my own. They could fill that void in my life & I could fill the void their BM left when she walked away. Of course, when she came back she filled the void, & honestly, they needed to know their mother. It just left me feeling disposable.
As time passed & we went through the court struggles & rejection from the kids, the lies from BM, etc, I was talking to DH's mom one day & I talked to her about all of these things I was feeling. I felt responsible for driving the kids away. I felt sad about coming between DH & them. I felt like his pain was my fault. I explained my thoughts about God putting us together so the kids could have what they needed, & she stopped me. She told me that she feels God put us together because when BM came back needing to be a mother to the children she walked away from, my DH would need me & my support to help him through these trying years.
Now, I understand that everyone has their own beliefs about God & religion, & that's not what I'm trying to make this point about. I guess what I was wanting to share is that you leaving wouldn't change things for your DH. It won't matter who is with him. BM is going to make things ugly for him. She's going to try to keep his child from him as long as she feels threatened. There's a good chance that that will be forever. Your DH needs your support in getting through this.
Yes, have him file papers to have her held in contempt. Likely they will give her a warning. If she continues to withhold visitation after that, file again. If she continues to go against the order, there's a chance the judge will grant your husband physical custody give her visitation. She may end up paying fines or serving time in jail.
The effort can be stressful, disheartening, & it can certainly test limits. Just encourage him to keep trying, & continue to be there for each other through it.
Does your DH have a vistation
Does your DH have a vistation order? If not, he needs to get one!
yes he has an order and i got
yes he has an order and i got the contempt papers today and he plans on dropping them off monday... i do have a question if we take the copy of the visitaion order and the cops to her home can they make her let him see his son?
thank your understanding i am going threw this alone and you have no idea how good it feels to vent
As far as the cops getting
As far as the cops getting involved, it seems to depend on where you are. I know several people have written about getting them involved in such a case, but I know that in many areas, the police don't touch it.
Keep record of everything...dates of phone calls, what was discussed, details for pick-up/drop-off arrangements, locations, times, etc. If she fails to follow through, keep record of that too...& her reasons why.
Start keeping records now so you'll have them to take to the contempt hearing. The judge will likely give her a warning & possibly give your husband some make-up visitation time. After that, if she continues to go against the order, take her back for contempt again. Repeat offenses can lead to her paying fines & serving time.
Good luck to your & your husband.
Vent away! You'll find there are a lot of people here dealing with a lot of the same issues you are having.
You say you are in Indiana,
You say you are in Indiana, The cops wont do anything but file a report. They say its a civil matter and wont do anything but show up with you to her home, and if she is even there they will talk to her, but if she wont let the kid go they cant/wont make her.