It sounds like you are doing a "clinical" study of the nuts and bolts to stepparenting which will NOT prepare you for anything.

Here are some pertinent things to consider:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

If you can answer YES to MORE THAN ONE of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Bank account - Yours and his and ours. Ours is for the bills. Yours is your get out of jail free card.
His kids, his insurance. why are you taking it on? Don't get too enmeshed too early. You may resent it later.

You seem focused on fiances and although important, take a look through the boards. By far the most difficulties are parenting differences and expectations of a Steps role. Look closely at these issues - what is a deal breaker for you, what is okay?

Dang, yes to all of Autuer's list for me. Doomed? Yes!
I love #7. He/they made me feel so low & said I was negative/pessimistic whenever I voiced concerned about boys using REAL guns unsupervised, not knowing where they are when they don't call or come home at night, roaming the neighborhood at 1am when they have friends spend the night (they are 14). No bedtime, no homework, no chores, no responsibilities, no hygiene (big ha-ha) but everything fun they want they get - ex. Husky. Christmas is 365 days a year for DH.
My advise is: Run girl...

Congratulations on your engagement!

One thing I stood firm on was having my own bank account. My EXH was horrible with money and I vowed I would never, ever be in that position again. We have a joint account used to pay rent and split household expenses but I also have my safety net. It also pays to keep your finances separate from your SO's if you have a nosy BM in your life. Here are the things I wished I had covered before jumping the broom:

1. My role - what authority do I have with his kid when DH is not around.
2. Backup - if skid is disrespectful and rude to me, is DH going to immediately (key word) nip it in the bud. Will DH stand by your side and deal with the problem as a unit? Or will he pull the "you're putting me in the middle BS?"
3. Gifts, extra curricular activities, eventually driving privileges, allowance (ha ha)aka pocket cash - If finances are separate, then my feeling is as long as he's meeting his end of the household expenses, then I don't give a crap what he spends on his kid. However if you share finances, then all extra monies spent on skid(s) should be discussed with you first. Also, he's been buying his kid gifts before you met him, I'd advise you not to get involved going forward. Most times you probably won't get recognition for your time, efforts and thoughtfulness.
4. Daycare, pick-ups/drop offs & sick days - set boundaries for all of these things. Your FDH may assume you're going to become the live-in babysitter, especially if the BM "has other plans". Be careful what you commit to when it comes school commitments, picking up or dropping off and the days when the skid is home sick. I'm not saying don't help, however sometimes people assume we'll pick up the mother's role and never ask us how we feel about it.
5. Never, ever let anyone tell you "You knew what you were getting into!". You have permission to smack anyone that says that to you with a dead fish.

A lot of my frustrations stemmed from the assumption I should be a mother, but not act like a mother and I didn't get a crumb of authority in my own home. I nearly left my DH at one point because he ALLOWED his kid (at the time she was 12/13) to treat me like crap. His theory was if he ignored the behavior it would just go away.

I hate to say this, but always have an exit plan in your back pocket. A lot of us are trapped in situations that are becoming worse instead of better. I'm not saying it can't work out, I'm just saying being a step-mother is the worst and most difficult thing I've ever been through. And I was in a physically abusive marriage with a drug user back in my 20's. You may never need the exit plan, but it can add a measure of comfort when you're really, really frustrated.

Boy, re-reading this makes me see what a negative experience I've had as a step-parent. It doesn't have to be this way for you. I think if I found this site before marriage, I would have been armed well enough with everyone's info and experience to weather the hard times a little better. In fact, now I wonder if my experience would have been different.

Congrats again! I wish you, your FDH and skid all of the best.

Good questions, but those are easy questions compared to the ones you should be asking.
- what kind of stepmom does he expect you to be? What kind do you want to be?
- what expectations will he have from you after marriage that will be differentfrom now?
- does he want you to help raise his kids or be a bystander?
- will you be allowed to discipline his kids?
- who will deal with the bm? Does he expect you to deal with her?
- do you agree/disagree with his parenting skills
- what will you do if cs goes up? Dh loses his job and has to pay cs still? If ss wants to live with dad?

These are just a few I can think of offthe top of my head. I would even consider going to premarital counseling to figure these step issues beforehand.

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