How do you deal with stubborn Exes
that refuse to put the children first? I know this isn't a "step" problem and is a "Bio" one instead, but this is my frustration issue right now.
A little background so you know where I'm coming from. Was married to the ex (kown from here on out as for about 4 years. 2 daughters who are now 11 and 8 1/2. The girls were 3 1/2 and <1 when we were finally divorced. Ex was physically, mentally abusive throughout out marraige. He was very controlling and for years afterward still tried to control every aspect of my life in my home. I have full physical and legal custody of my daughters
I am remarried now and have been for approx 4 years. He brought to the marraige another daughter. That mother is no longer in the picture and never will be again. My ex absolutely hates my husband and has done so ever since he knew we were dating. Ex has done everything from filing false child abuse charges, false police reports, physical violence, harrassment and the list goes on against my husband. We have been cleared of any and all wrong doing with flying colors. Needless to say the police and the judges around here know my ex and his tricks quite well by now.
Now for my question. My daughters are now getting to the age where they are wanting to be active in school activities. The oldest girl is now of the age where she can try out for the junior high school cheerleading squad in a couple of weeks. Next year she will be able to play volleyball or softball as well. I have always told them they may choose 2 sports/activities only so what she does next year, of course, depends on whether or not she makes the squad. Anyway, ex has stated that he will not allow them to attend any activities that are on his time. Unfortunately, even tryouts are on his weekend.
How do you guys handle issues like this? I have offered to change weekends with him and even offered extra time over the Easter holiday so that she can be here for tryouts. He refuses to even consider it as he has stated if she doesn't try out she can't make the squad and that is what he wants. There is not enough time to take this specific instance in front of a judge. I have a feeling that I will end up there before the summer is over.
Why can these parents not see that they are messing with the children when they get so stubborn.
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I'd also mail him a copy of a
I'd also mail him a copy of a book called, "The ABC's of Parenting for Narcissistic Pigs", if such a book existed.
LOVE IT!! Will be looking for it. LOL
Spunkie & Foxie: I used to
Spunkie & Foxie: I used to back down. That was why the marraige lasted almost 4 years even through almost daily physical abuse. I soon learned though that I had to stand up for myself in order to be able to stand up for my daughters. It took a couple of years before ex realized that I was not going to let him controll me anymore. I really think this is part of his reasoning for issues like this. He gets to control what the girls do on his weekends. If its something he suspects I support then it is no longer approved on his end.
He is an A** to say the least. School conferences are interesting as well. I have often wondered if I could tape these sessions and sell them to help support the girls. He has tried to intimidate all the school personel and has shown his violent side to them as well. The school now has security in the building and close at hand during our conferences. The school knows what my daughters are dealing with, but they can not schedule thigs around this dufuss.
I used to protect the girls (yea right) by trying to smooth over his stupid tricks. I have lied to them more times then I care to admit just to help preserve an image of a good daddy for them. A therapist recently told me I was only setting them up for a big fall when they learn who the "real" dad truely is. So....I have stopped smoothing over his "rough edges". I have decided that if I can not get him to agree to allow her to try out I am going to make him tell her the bad news. She knows I am trying so he shouldn't be able to sweet talk his way out of this. My daughters have been taking dance since the age of 3 just so they could be cheerleaders, so she will take this hard.
I'd make him do the dirty
I'd make him do the dirty work,, and HE can tell the girls why they can't do this or that,,, I'm not a person that believes in "protecting" these exes.. let them dig there own hole,, my SS is the same, he's recently started asking to come live with US, he's 13,, sure my husband could talk to the mom and get in a fight and get no where,, let the kid tackel it, it's between him and her,, and in your shoes it's the same,, your all for it, he's not,, it's between "them"
I have recently decided the
I have recently decided the same thing. He is going to tell her no. My main concern while I hope she can do the cheer thing is the whole activity scenero. Do we go 7-9 years of not being able to take part in ANY activity that might have to play some weekend games just because he doesn't want to support them? How can that be fair to the children? I fully understand not letting them be in anything and everything, that's why I have personally set a limit of 2 activities. I do feel that children need that social interaction and experience.
i'd let ex explain his ass of
i'd let ex explain his ass of reasonings...send all communication through e-mail so you can "prove" if you feel the need (may come in handy later when they are adults)
i don't give my ex the option, i make sure all "sign ups" are on my time, so she'll WANT to go and throw a fit or be mad at him later if he decides she cannot go for what ever bs reason
call them in sick to
call them in sick to dads........and none of you heard me say that (or read me saying that).
He's just a plain jackass. MY DH is not a big proponent of kids activities....as he says he is lazy in nature and hates that his life is based on a calendar. He does however do it and our dd is involved in a lot. He used to get really upset when the skids were involved in activities because noone called and say hey sos and so wants to do this, and this is what it will require......
it was ....she has been signed up, and I did tell her I would get her to the stuff on my weekend and that well.....you may not let her go.
CHeck your state's parenting guidelines. It states in ours that we have to let them be active in reasonable activities.
If you were still married,
If you were still married, he'd have a voice...he is still the father to decide these things...not just for cs, right?. PS I bet if he was busy when they decided to show up everyone would have a cow...