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marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 12:58pm

Hi everyone! I am a step mom of four boys. I love them and cannot imagine how it would be without them but this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I am 22 and I have no bio kids.I met my SO through work, he was my old boss. So at first I didnt want anything serious because of the children. I thought to myself why would i settle down now? At the time I was 20 and I didnt want children. So over time of course feelings got more serious. We decided we would take it a step further and I met the kids and i fell in love with them. Its like they are my own. My SO has sole custody. Their mother is a drug addict and cant be around them without someone supervising them. At first everything was great......kids loved me and would always ask for me. I would go to his house for dinner and then I started spending the night. The boys are now ages 9,7,4,2. The oldest had the hardest time with it he started bad mouthing me to family members that hadnt met me and making up lies and it was pretty awful we actually broke up because i couldn't handle it. As of right now we all get along and my SO backs me up 100 percent. Honestly though I am scared. I am scared that when I am forty I will look back and say why did I not search harder for someone with no kids. My SO says if I want children we could have more but it would make our bunch larger and I dont think I can handle it. I am also scared because I have trouble trusting that he loves me. I do a lot for him and I sometimes wonder did he settle for me. He is a handsome guy, great dad but I mean its hard to find someone who wants to take care of four kids full time. I just dont want any regrets in my life. Has anyone felt that way. Our relationship works but is there something better. I love him and dont want to live without him but sometimes I am so stressed out and trying to be the best mom I can be I sometimes just makes me feel like i want to be alone. :?

Comments

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 1:21pm

Welcome!! I am also a young SM, I'm turning 22 Saturday and I have been married for 14 months. DH and I had a king of whirlwind thing and got married VERY quickly. I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into and now I am a SM to a 3.5 yr old with a crazy mother!!! Sometimes, when things are especially bad w SS or BM, I also feel like I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone with a kid, I am definitely too young for this!! You are not alone, I am here for you Smile

You can PM me whenever you like!

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 1:44pm

Hi Marissa! I can relate to your story somewhat. I'm 23 and my SO is 32 with 2 kids, a 9 year-old girl and a 4 year-old boy. Four boys though--wow that's a lot to handle! I've also wondered before about having kids together and how that would add to the brood and seem almost like an unmanageable amount of kids. Unlike you though, SO does not have full custody of his kids. I'd say that you have both advantages and disadvantages because your SO has full custody. Advantage: if you had kids they would all be under the same roof and (hopefully) subject to the same rules. Disadvantage: that's quite a few mouths to feed/manage in one house.

I also understand what you mean when you say that you have trouble trusting that he loves you. I wondered about this at first with my SO, because he seemed to think that being a single-dad would be a major sticking point. I have to say though that I got over that worry pretty quickly. If you're a couple years into this and you're still unsure about this, I would recommend that you buck up and take a good look around. You are a catch. You're only 22, you have a stable job and head on your shoulders, and you're obviously loving enough to feel responsible and to care about kids that are not even yours by blood. Now if your SO did NOT have kids, do you really think he'd just be "settling" with you? If you really think that the answer is yes, then maybe you should take a break from this situation.

Honestly, I think the feelings of "what if" are perfectly natural, and I think they're a sign that you're not acting impulsively. Good luck girl; we're all here for you.

marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 1:46pm

Thanks happy early birthday. The bm and I do not have much contact but she sure does like to talk about me as if we did. She has an hour long supervised visit every other week. Sometimes when she is in a bad mood or the younger kids talk about me and they call me mom she gets upset which i understand but if you were around more then this would happen. She tries to tell the boys that their dad loves mommy so much but mommy doesn't love him and thats why he hasnt married Marissa. I am like ok they are kids lady they dont need to hear any of this. Congrats on being married over a year thats a success lol I am just confused but thanks so much it makes me feel better knowing im not alone.

marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 1:51pm

Helena I dont know if I can answer that question if he hadnt had kids would I still feel this way. Wow that is something to think about I never turned it around. I dont think I would. If he hadnt had kids we would have a totally different relationship. We take care of full time so there isn't a lot of money for romantic evening or even time for "adult time" if you know what I mean. The "adult time" is something we have an issue with as well. He tends to be a minute man gosh I hate saying it like that but bam there it is in black and white. I mean i feel selfish because I have read so many post that peoples step kids are rude and their SO doesnt back them and that would be something awful to deal with and I dont have those issues ya kno. I dont wanna pass a could man for a maybe grass is greener on the other side

llorraine23's picture

Submitted by llorraine23 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 1:51pm

Hi, I'm 37 and a step mother to one 11 year old ss and one 17 year old sd. My husband and I rushed into a fast marriage, and I won't lie it has been tough. I did not have children of my own, and so I had NO idea what to expect when I got into the marriage. Being a step parent can be the most rewarding and unrewarding experience in the world at the same time. Despite all of our issues, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

There are many things you need to remember. First of all, these are just kids. Don't forget that. Sometimes we (adults) forget what it is like to be in their shoes. Your oldest likely has conflicting feelings. Remember, he has a biological mother. He might feel that by liking you he is betraying her (even if she is worthless). Whether we like it or not, children have a natural and instinctive bond to their biological parents. I'm not surprised that your older one is rebelling. This is normal.

Secondly, as long as your SO is backing you up 100%, you can't ask for more regarding his kids. You two MUST present a united front to the boys, otherwise they will manipulate and cause problems. If you want more kids, he sounds perfect for you. If not, it sounds like he is ok with that. Again, what else can you expect? He sounds flexible.

The other thing you need to remember is that you need to cut yourself some slack, yet determine what you want. It is VERY tough to become an instant family. I have days where I am very happy and I have other days that I wonder WTF I got myself in to. My SD was abused and so she has some very strange quirks. I have learned that you can't expect them (the kids) to automatically be greatful to you. You have to find satisfaction in seeing them happy and having good days. That seems strange, but I found it to be true.

They might also be keeping you are arms length because they can sense you might leave. That is tough on them. They also might be testing you (and not knowing it). My SD tested me constantly the first 2 years. We are in year 4, and she is FINALLY starting to trust I won't leave.

Finally, you also have to make that transition from being a single gal who focused on herself (that is how I was) to a stepmother. This means you start focusing on them and what they want more than what you want yourself. If you were to have a biological child, this would come naturally through time and hormones. However, one of the toughest steps is to make that leap with step children. It is hard when they are not biologically yours.

Hang in there. Just do your best be a good person. This is really all anyone can ask of themself anyway isn't it?

marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Wed, 03/02/2011 - 2:58pm

Lorraine I could not agree with you more. I think i agree with everything you said in your response. I feel exactly like what you wrote somedays I feel so blessed and others im like omg did I make a mistake. The transitioning from single girl only needing to worry for me is a very hard thing for me. I think thats where I am getting stuck.