Need Help on the OTHER side.....trying NOT to act like a crazy BM
This has to do with my oldest boy and his father.
Our court order (as of November 2010) states that Dad is supposed to fly son to his town the 2nd weekend of each month. Dad is supposed to provide flight information to me obviously so I can get son to the airport. There is no mention of any other kind of travel arrangements or mention of either parent picking up/dropping off at the other parent's residence.
So, here we are the day that Dad's weekend is to begin and I have no flight information and a kid asking if dad's going to get him this weekend. I have sent 3 e-mails and left 2 voicemails over the past month and have received zero response from Dad regarding this weekend's plans. Son has called once and left a voicemail and also received no response. Dad doesn't live so far away that it would be unresonable for him to drive up here and his new wife has family in this area (and comes up fairly often) so it's not impossible that he and/or his wife plan to be in town (although he usually works weekends). So, I have asked in my messages to him that if there is no flight information and he instead plans to pick-up our son from my residence to let me know so that we can plan accordingly. Still no response.
So, since Dad dropped son off at my residence (unexpectedly 5 hours early) on January 2nd, he has had absolutely no contact with our son or with me. So, what should I assume at this point? If he does show up at any point this weekend, I wouldn't deny my son the chance to spend time with his dad and will let him go but I feel like a discussion between Dad and myself is certainly warranted. If he sends the wife alone or another relative I've gotta say I'm not really inclined to send my son off with them. I don't want my son packed and waiting only to be let down if Dad doesn't show and I don't want him unprepared if Dad does show up.
So......what is the best way for me to handle this situation? WWYD?
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True, Maux. Talking it out
True, Maux. Talking it out with the kids is the hard part and these kids are not ping pong balls that you can just come and go, as you please. That hurts the kid bad.
I was going to ask the same
I was going to ask the same exact thing as Arizona.
Not one response back yet? Do you only have one number to call? Any email addy? He did not call back after your son called? Not being funny here but are you sure that he is even alive?
THIS would drive any mom batty.
I would assume no visit too.
I would assume no visit too. If he can't even give one quick call or a text then NO he can not pick up his son! He needs to know he HAS to talk to SOMEONE about what his plans are. Geeez he can't be THAT stupid right??
I can't believe that he has
I can't believe that he has not even said "no." That shows you right there that he is no man nor father but a chicken.
You are acting like a
You are acting like a reasonable person and a loving mother. Agree, if your EX is not in a coma in the hospital than he is a real ass. How can anyone ignore a message from their child?What a horrible thing to do to his son. He better have a darn good reason.
Here's what THAT is
Here's what THAT is about-CONTROL...just as BM"s can be this way NCDads can be too...my exh did this ALL the time-sometimes still does...the whole guessing game w/no set schedule/confirmation is done to punish YOU. For daring to divorce them.This way they control your schedule, plans, your mood and they know it.
Countless guys that we bm's divorce were control freaks in marriage and after divorce-and they did this crap w/visitation to punish-not carrying one BIT what it did to their kids-sick, control games, nothing more.
You're telling me nor he or his wife could have had the decency and courtesy to email or text plans, yay or nay...it's about control and they are being idiots- F them I say-make plans and be done with it. If he calls or shows up you have plans-since he coudlnt' bother to call then it's a no go-you won't put your life on hold waiting for them to decide what they will do.
I think they like and get off on that control thing...the whole knowing they are messing w/your plans and schedule and that you are waiting around for their answer/communication. Sick bastards.
Ughhh, can you tell I have experience w/this kind of thing through the years?
No....he's just an ass.
No....he's just an ass.
Seriously, I've been dealing with him for 12 years. We were divorced in 1999. There's never been this long of a period that he just didn't respond AT ALL.
The flying down there is new to our court order. This was at his request. He wanted one set weekend every month to see his son (he originally had every other weekend) and for me to have to drive him to the airport. Not a big deal for me, it at least provided consistancy in our lives.....or so I thought.
November - he flew him down and back for Thanksgiving visit.
December - He picked him up for Christmas visit and then brought him home 5 hours early at the end of that visit but he told me ahead of time that he was not going to fly him since he would be in town anyway. No problem that meant I didn't have to fight holiday airport traffic!
January - He told me he wasn't going to see him for that weekend the day he dropped him off at the end of the Christmas visit.
February - Haven't heard a peep from him since January 2nd.
I'm assuming he isn't dead since I'm still receiving child support. I know he's pissed off that his CS was increased (for the first time in 12 years) but I'm not sure why that would cause him to go completely silent 4 months later.
"I'm assuming he isn't dead
"I'm assuming he isn't dead since I'm still receiving child support. I know he's pissed off that his CS was increased (for the first time in 12 years) but I'm not sure why that would cause him to go completely silent 4 months later."
Oh.........THAT might be what his malfunction is then but wth take it out on the kid? What an asshole. Sorry. He "thinks" he is making you pay. What a childish thing to do. Still, someone should let you know something. When did the C/S go up on him?
CS went up the same time that
CS went up the same time that the visitation changed.
A little background on that:
He has originally ordered to pay $300/month back in 1999. I asked him to increase it to $500/month he said no way. I told him I was going to petition the court and I did so Pro Se and only asked for it to increase to $500/month, he hired a lawyer (which apparantly he could afford even though he claimed he couldn't afford additional CS)and counter-petitioned for changing the parenting plan. Long story short, I agreed with his request for changes to the parenting plan and the court ordered him to pay $700/month (that's WITH a discount for him because of the cost he would incur to fly our son for visits). This shows you how much he was UNDERPAYING for YEARS! It also shows that he wasted money on a lawyer for nothing. He would have gotten the changes he was asking for if he had just asked me himself and he ended up paying MORE CS than what I was originally asking for and now instead of getting to see his son EOW, he only gets one weekend a month. What kind of parent ASKS to DECREASE their parenting time???? :?
So, like I said, I'm sure this is about money but we have communicated since the new CS order was put into place. It was tense but there was still communication there.
Bah...nothing but another
Bah...nothing but another deadbeat IMO.
I had a deadbeat dad too. A
I had a deadbeat dad too. A wealthy one at that. He no longer walks amongst the living though. He crashed the plane that he of course bought for himself only 4 days after "trying" to see me and his grandaughter after 10 years of complete absence. He was also on his 7th or 8th so-called marriage to a woman who despised me. She was jealous as hell of me? His daughter? Come on!
Anyways, he just sounds like a POS dad and maybe it is for the best for the kid's sake and sanity. Children and teens again, are not ping pong balls.
It chaps my ass to see a dad WANT to see their kid and go thru hell and then you have the deadbeats out there that seem to get away with too much.
What are you going to do though, seriously?
Is there any wording in your
Is there any wording in your order for a deadline? We have to fly my SD here for her visits, and the order states that travel information or intent to not have her come visit needs to be sent to BM a minimum of 2 weeks before the visit is supposed to happen. Makes it simple.
Actually our order says that
Actually our order says that dad is to purchase tickets 60 days in advance of the flight and is to forward the flight information to me within 3 days of the purchase.
I think that's a little bit too far in advance personally so I wouldn't necessarily hold him to that (although that is what HE presented to ME). However, I do expect that information to be provided at least a week in advance and would really prefer 2 weeks in advance.
There is no wording in the order to state that he must notify me if he chooses to drive up here instead of fly our son down but it says that I'm to surrender the child on Friday evening at the airport an hour before the flight. There's no wording that mentions circumstances of the dad arriving at my residence to p-up the kiddo. Kind of stupid on his part if you ask me.
I'm not the vindictive type to say sorry, you didn't fly him so you can't have him....if DAD is the one to p-up. However, that gets very easy for me to do if anyone other than Dad arrives at my house expecting to drive off with our kiddo and that includes his current wife....who is wife #6 by the way. I do like her and she's lasted longer than any of the others did but she hasn't communicated with me in advance either so I'm not going to allow her to pick up this time.
As always, there is more to
As always, there is more to the story than what we were first told.
Is it fair to your son? Maybe not. I know you believe he put money ahead of his child...
On the flip side, if you had no visitation problems before, why would you put money ahead of continuing a peaceful relationship with your ex for the sake of your child? I just don't understand why anyone needs over 1k a month in addition to tax breaks to support one child...because obviously it's the responsibility of both parents to support a child and I assume you spend at least 1/2 as much as he sends you in cs out of your own pocket...
I don't mean to be harsh, but you knew this would cause a strain in the relationship and didn't much worry because as long as the court agreed with you it was ok and you wouldn't feel guilty. Keep in mind that just because our courts determine X needs does not mean justice has been served....
By the way ANY court will aporove a lesser amount...you could have told them you only wanted 500...but again decided to "teach him a lesson" by allowing a cs order of 700usd plus paying for trips...you were not looking for your child's best interest but to teach your ex who was boss...
Good luck...speaking from experience unless you do something to fix this you have destroyed that relationship now...speaking from experience...
PS i always find it amusing
PS i always find it amusing that when a father doesn't pay cs the mother sees no problem witholding visitation even if that means a punishment to the child...but when mom takes the NCP for all he has she believes he is an ahole for punishing the child with less visits because he puts money ahead of a relationship with his child.
PS plz don't get angry about me not "understanding" and being supportive...this is a forum to support "smoms" in their dealings as second wife, smom, etc...support for bio-moms in dealings with an ex-h can be found on many other websites as well...I am giving you an smom perspective and an ex-h perspective...
I appreciate your opinion.
I appreciate your opinion. I'm a SM as well and my DH pays a hefty amount in CS and still manages to see his kids every week even when we are broke.
The visitation issues are not new, this visitation schedule is new. Prior to this CS review and subsequent increase my ex only saw our son about once or twice a year and occassionally when he would be here in town visiting family. Prior to my ex moving several hours away, my ex didn't pay CS for 3+ years and I never once denied him seeing his son during that time or any other time for that matter.
EX asked for ONE WEEKEND per month when he had more than double that. EX asked to be responsible for flying kiddo down and back. EX told kiddo on January 2nd that he would without a doubt see him in February. Had EX called and said he was having trouble financially I would have offered to meet him 1/2 way which is about 2 hours driving one way for each of us.
I own ZERO responsibility for my EX not seeing our son. And I'm not as upset about the visit not taking place as I am about the lack of communication between my EX and our son! He doesn't even have to contact me! Our son is almost 15 years old, he has a cell phone, EX has the number. Why not call kiddo and say that something came up and he can't see him? There's no excuse for that!
i think it is completly
i think it is completly unreasonable that he hasn't contacted even the child in such an amount of time! i wouldn't let my child go with him either. if your co clearly states he has to let you know, then he has to follow it. it was his decision, after all.
He's angry at you. He doesn't
He's angry at you. He doesn't want to talk to you right now. His CS has more than doubled. While you/your son need and deserve this money, it has made things tight for ex. Tell son, "I don't know what's happening". If ex makes plans...with whatever notice/however the pickup happens even the other woman, send him. It's not about you. Your son will be fine. Don't use your son as a weapon. Your son wants to see his father. Communication will be bad for awhile. Ex will get over it. He's probably getting pressure from his "new family". I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Good for you getting more CS. I disagree w/ the comment that no kid needs more than 1K per month. If a court orders that, than the ex can afford it. My ex was ordered $80 per month when son was 2. He never paid except for the year son was 9. Even then, the payments didn't all reach me although the state says the checks were cashed??! Now son is 19 and recently the state garnished $60 from ex's checking acct. Ex wanted me to send it back to him because I did that once in an effort to get him to visit for the first time in 10 years (it was a one time payment of $100 that his mom had given him to pay the registry?). I won't be doing that again.