Make him sell the house?
I'm still a ways off from this decision -- my lease isn't up 'til July, his ex is allowed to live in their home until July -- but I find myself wondering if I should decline to live in my BF's house.
I've never seen the house, but I know its history. He and she bought it together when they knew they wanted kids -- it has a room all set up for the girl and a swing out front on a nice tree and everything. It's also very close to his friends and significantly far from his parents. There are good schools nearby and the crime rate is pretty low for the area. It is, in short, perfect for him.
Or at least it WAS until the divorce. Now, he can't even bear to go near it, not even to recover things that he needs or really cares about. He worries about its upkeep constantly and talks about moving back into it when his ex is required to vacate in July -- but I don't think he's asked himself if he WANTS to keep living there.
He asked me if *I* would live there with him. At first I said I would think about it, and now I find myself quietly thinking "No, never." I know it's just a HOUSE, not a living thing that can hurt me. But at the same time, I want him to escape his past, to start fresh with me. I also want to have 50 percent say in our home -- including what kind of house it is and in which neighborhood.
I know the housing market is bad and that if he sold it, it'd be at a loss. I know that I could set feminism back quite a few decades and live there with him rent free (thereby paying down my student loans faster). But at the same time, screw that house. Screw the life he had pre-divorce; it's gone now. He makes good money -- it won't bankrupt him or ruin his credit to take it on the nose and sell the house. Or even to rent it out and just deal with the upkeep as a generic landlord would.
Am I being unreasonable? Is there some nice way of telling him I'll only live with him if it's in a place where his ex never lived?
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When SO and I moved in
When SO and I moved in together I moved into HIS and HIS EX's house. MISTAKE! This is not my house, it will never be my house. Her name is still on the house because he can't buy her out because of the market. To make matters worse, they bought this house only because it was a bout a half mile from the BMs mother. On top of that, BM now lives with her mother so she lives a half mile from me. I totally regret it. I am constantly reminded by my FSK that this is their "mom and dad's house." My SO constantly tells me that this is "my" house too but it's not and it never will. I think it would be a good deal with someone had better self esteem then me, but living in the ex's house and living a half mile down the road isn't what I thought it would be. I have no one to blame but myself.
Tell him to sell it and you
Tell him to sell it and you two go find a home together.
It'll always be HER house and there will always be THEIR memories.
The housing market is turning around a bit, by July ought to be even better.
Do you go with your heart or
Do you go with your heart or your head? I guess it depends on how he feels about the house. Me? I think I would save my money, live rent free, paint the walls a different color, and redo as much of the house as you want to. Plant flowers in the yard, get a prettier swing and make this YOUR home. I go with the save my money plan. I don't THINK it would bother me enough to spend lots of money and relocate.
When I moved in with my BF
When I moved in with my BF (now my hubby), the house was one that he bought with his second wife. DH met her in a bar (that should have been his first clue), she had a Meth problem (he found out about a couple of years into the marriage) and he put her in Rehab twice. Dh is a very trusting and naive person. He got the house in the divorce and no kids to that marriage. His adult kids from his first marriage were living with us. (that turned out to be a big mistake and both have been gone for a couple of years now-that is a another story) My point, I took over and changed anything I wanted with his support. The bedroom set in our room was mine, before we met. I ripped up the flowers planted in front yard and planted what I wanted- along with three red maple trees. In the back yard I have my veggie garden and planted Blackberries, grapes, a strawberry patch, a 5-in-1 apple tree, Black Tartarian Cherry tree and a Golden Napoleon Cherry tree. I hear she is upset that it doesn't look like her house anymore- My thoughts to her- That Is The Point, Dirt Bag!! It is mine now.
Anyway, I don't see why you couldn't do the same. LOL
I'm there. I've painted. I've
I'm there. I've painted. I've rearranged. The majority of the furniture here is either mine, or purchased together since I moved in.
It's still creepy. It's been a year and a half, and I still slip "X? It's in your garage." Never "our" or "my."
It's not my home.
Never will be.
Have him sell it, buy something that can be "yours" too.
If you can face it: Have it
If you can face it: Have it fumigated and exorcized. Re-do it from top to bottom.
If not, it's perfectly valid to get your own place. He can rent it for a while until the market improves. It's very likely that he won't want to live there, from what you say. My DH went through a lot of trauma about his house. He was the one who found it, bought it, fixed it up for COW. And COW can't take care of anything, she gathers junk, never cleans, and doesn't have a clue about home maintenance. And--she can't afford it. But of course, COW had to stay there with the kids. She turned down another property offer DH made her, for a nice trailer on its own land. Low cost, low upkeep. The good part--chickens have come home to roost big time with the hassles she's had with kids and that property. DH used to cry when he visited and saw 20 years of hard work reversed in 6 months.
I'm getting ready to do this
I'm getting ready to do this exact thing. Fiance was given the land by his family and he and his ex built a house together on it. We are adding a full master suite onto the house so we have "OUR" space and I don't have to sleep in her bedroom. Most of the furniture in the house was given to him by his family and I will be bringing plenty of my own furniture. We've already done alot of painting and will continue to remodel with a full new kitchen. So, for my situation, it was the reasonable thing to do. I didn't want to ask DF to leave his 3 acres given by his family and move. He's doing what is necessary to make the house "mine".
I can't wait to get out of
I can't wait to get out of this house that DH lived in with his ex. He hates it too and wants to buy a house that we can make memories in. His ex picked this house and I'm not sure why. It's tiny, needs a ton of work and is in a bad neighborhood. With us, his 2 kids every other weekend and our dogs it is just way too cramped.
Opposite situation with
Opposite situation with us--the house is mine. It was purchased and paid for in full by my late husband and I well before I ever knew DH existed. It has been completely re-done, to include all new furniture, since DH moved in. I even took one of the upstairs bedrooms and made an office for DH, complete with a handpainted mural on the wall depicting his favorite hobby. He also has his own bathroom off of the office. It, too, has been redone just for him. This house looks NOTHING like it did when originally purchased. I have bent over backwards to make it HIS home, too. And, I know he appreciates it.
He still owns his home, the home he and BM lived in--he and his son have made some kind of rent-to-own deal on it. Not my business. I have made it clear that I want no part of any of his property, and he will not get any part of mine. He can leave all of his "stuff" to his ungrateful kids. My "stuff" will go to my daughter. He understands that I will not leave him anything because it will eventually end up with his kids, and that is NOT what I want.
Sometimes, this is just how it has to be in a blended situation. What 'cha gonna do?