Need advice and I need it fast
I know I have to tell DH, the skids know I have to tell DH. I need advice on HOW to approach it with DH in an attempt to minimize the nuclear explosion that is sure to come.
The skids behavior has been good. No they are not total angels but dear god they are remembering this past weekend and minding their P's and Q's. An answer of "Yeah" quickly gets fixed to yes ma'am without any prompting at all. Chores are being done correctly without reminders. We have not caught any of them lying, stealing or manipulating. However I got a bomb dropped in my lap this evening. DH went to bed after dinner, horrible sinus headache that he just could not shake, so he took meds and he has been snoring since shortly after laying down.
Skid#1 came to me right before the younger two skids bedtime, that all of them needed to talk to me and come clean. They asked not to wake dad up, they wanted to talk to me to figure out how to approach dad. And god as my witness, I have no idea how to do it on this subject. Our BM is a certified lunatic. In jail for arson (on my home) parental rights terminated by the court system due to her mental health issues, refusal to medicate and repeatedly kidnapping the skids and taking off with them for at times months on end. Since BM has been in prison we have not had to deal with her and her parental rights were terminated while she has been incarcerated-- the process started before the fire just ended after she was imprisoned.
Apparently 6 months ago BM's parents gave the skids a cell phone so they could talk to BM. DH has never stood in the way of BM's parents/ family being able to see the kids. Apparently on a weekend they spent over at the grandparents house this phone was given to them with explicit instructions of do not tell your dad. And they didn't. For six months this woman has been calling the kids. Apparently she calls the parents house collect, and the parents hook the call up through three way calling to the kids on this cell phone. The parents know there is a permanate restraining order on her for those kids. Expires only once the skids individually turn 18, then it is up to the individual skid to renew or not. The RO states no going through 3rd parties. But her parents did it anyway, knowing the following:
She has 4 diagnosed mental disorders she refuses to medicate for.
She has kidnapped the kids and taken them out of state- these trips always ended up with her and the skids living in homeless shelters and begging on the streets for food/money.
She has caused the kids to fail grades in school due to her actions.
She was arrested for DUI twice with the kids in the car, one of those dui's she blew a 0.22 almost 3x's the legal limit!
She has been arrested for child abuse in the past --her parents called it in!
She has threatened to kill DH.
She has threatened to kill me.
In the past she has threatened to kill the kids instead of losing them to DH.
What prompted the confession? Her parents tried at 8pm this evening to call in on the cell phone to hook up one of these calls. The skids know they are grounded, why and that further violations will just ramp up the punishment they figured I would hear them talking on the phone since they did not have any music to mask the talking. They are aware that DH is going to per Skid#1 "Flip his shit" over this, but I am gathering they want to be honest and stop with holding the truth, which DH explained to them over the weekend, was as bad as if not worse than lying.
I want a way of presenting this to him so that he does not have a stroke or heart attack. The skids are hoping he doesn't get the grandparents in trouble. I currently have the phone. The skids happily handed it to me. We have agreed to sit DH down tomorrow after dinner to talk to him.
Any ideas on how to approach this without the household imploding?
Any advice welcome.
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Comments
I agree that the kids were
I agree that the kids were placed in a position they didn't ask for and likely did not know how to handle. BM is their mother, they know she is messed up, but she is still their mom. I don't think the kids need to be punished, I think they need to be shown that they can communicate- even a massive mess up- without fear.
Just as a clarification: BM has threatened to kill us. She did not try. She broke into my house while I was at work and my younger siblings were at school- no one home, and trashed my house. Broke anything breakable, spray painted all kinds of hate filled garbage on the walls (Example: they are my kids bitch) then set fire to my bed.
The back half of my house and roof had to be replaced/ rebuilt. Luckily the neighbors saw smoke and called 911. The fire did some of the damage, the fire department the rest of it, between chopping the roof to get at the fire where it made it to the attic and waterlogged walls, smoke, soot etc it was a mess. The cops figured out quickly since the living room message was unscathed who did it. End result? DH offered myself and my siblings to live with him while the house was getting repaired. So her attempt to scare me off ended up with me living with her kids while she sat in jail.
I am just stunned. Her parents always seemed to comprehend their daughter was sick, ill, and not a good influence on her kids and did not need to be around them to mess them up any further. Then to find this out.
I think the kids need to tell
I think the kids need to tell him. You help to orchestrate the sit down, but have them come clean with him. I don't think you should insert yourself in the middle. Be there to support them all and be a sounding board but don't be the one to spill the beans.
I think your skids are
I think your skids are showing good character in talking to you about this. What you don't need to do is be the "main" voice talking in this situation. You are right to wait and tell him after dinner when he is calm.
The kids need to be restricted from the grandparents until they can respect the court and obey the law. I'm sorry this BM lost her rights. This sux for her and I have compassion for her. BUT the children were restrained from her so that she would not ruin them or hurt them. Making them lie is hurting them and teaching them to be psycho like BM.
They will grow up soon enough and they can be allowed to contact her when they are 18. I have lived through this situation with my sd. Her mom had her parental rights severed, DH adopted her, BM was her aunt....and the real birth mom started contacting me from California (im in texas).
You have to keep the foxes out of your garden. Let DH absorb the information and be quiet not pressuring him to ask, so what are we going to do. Let DH process the information after you present the facts. He will respect all of you for telling him the truth. It wasn't the kids fault, they were roped into this by misguided adults!!
Good Luck!
I agree with everyone who has
I agree with everyone who has posted. I definitely think the grandparents should be held accountable (whether by you and DH or the law or both). I know the skids don't want that, BUT what kind of example would you be setting for the skids if you didn't hold them accountable? That it is OK to break the law as long as it is for family? If you hold the in-laws accountable, I would sit down and tell the skids WHY y'all did and use it as a teaching lesson for them, IMHO of course.
My DH's ex is also in prison.
My DH's ex is also in prison. She also has mental illness,drug addiction,and a convicted felon. She lost her rights long before I met my DH. Anyways, I think you and the skids should tell DH together. I applaud him for allowing BM families visitation but I hope after this he reconsiders. BM lost her rights for obvious reasons and I think the grandparents do not realize that they are doing more harm to the children. By the way , my skids BM is incarcerated close to our home (about 1hr drive) and I do not allow her any contact with my SD17. My SS20 makes his own decisions. My husband is deployed so it is just her and I. I know some may not agree with me but I have spent the last 2 years trying to make sure SD does not follow in her footsteps. Sure she is "clean" right now only because she is in prison. She also swears she has found God! Crap! It is just a convienent for her right now. Good luck to you and your family. Thank goodness for you being in the skids lives.
This is not the stepkids'
This is not the stepkids' fault and your husband needs to handle as such, thank goodness they spoke. Grandparents love their daughter and are trying to keep her connected to the children which you kind of have to udnerstand they would. However, the manipulation that happen (breaking the law aside), the head-games she is no doubt playing can be very damaging to the children. She has beena threat to you all. I would go to supervised visits with the granparents, meaning that time spent with grandparents, your husband will be there. Maybe not convenient but I think it is needed.
I think it shows a lot that
I think it shows a lot that they came to you. They obviously do trust you and are looking to you for guidance.
Its not their fault, yes they have concealed it but their grandparents forced their hand. They were put in the middle of a bad situation and loyalties to the BM (even tho they recognise she is toxic) still made their way to the surface. I dont think they deserve punishment but recognition that they have come clean.
The grandparents on the other hand need a new asshole ripped and your DH needs to be the one to do it.
They have to earn back the trust now bigstylie and I suggest supervised visits from now on only.
I think you and DH need to
I think you and DH need to handle this carefully. If it was me, I'd take DH out to the park or beach somewhere and tell him. Let him vent and blow off steam where the kids can't hear him. Then gather everyone together to talk about it calmly and thoroughly.
The kids are in a bad spot here, people they love and trust have manipulated them and coerced them to do something they all know is wrong. So, my instinct is, if DH goes off the deep end in front of them, they'll get the message that they can't talk to their Dad about something crucial without a scene and the risk is that they will never open up again. Besides, he is going to need to talk to you about it and figure out what to do.
In terms of the grandparents - I would stop all contact immediately with the children and do what you have to do. Let the law take its course. They screwed up badly raising their daughter and now they are risking their grandchildren. They do not deserve another second of time with these children. Let them take the consequences they have earned. IMHO
I agree with this
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Give DH a chance to vent without the kids around. We are in somewhat the same boat in that we always aloud SD to go to her mom's parents who live close (mom is 700 miles away) & twice since school started we caught them encouraging her to lie to DH & I. We haven't decided what to do, but given the threats on your family, not to mention the actions that followed them; I would immediately revoke all contact. They put those kids in danger and showed little regard for your household.
I agree with this too, also
I agree with this too, also how was this phone not found when FIL and DH did the confiscation of all electronics? Do whatever you can to keep the kids from BM's family, clearly the nut didn't fall far from the tree, and they are affecting the kids behavior.
I think your stepchild
I think your stepchild expressed great character reaching out to you. You are obviously doing something correct. The BM is clearly in violation along with the Grandparents. This is one of the reasons their daughter is the way she is. Parents who continue to contribute to her delinquency. Both the Bm and Grandparents should be punished.
I don't envy you having to approach your husband, but I would personally tell him, without the children present. As I think he'll probably be angry and probably say things the children really shouldn't hear.
Good Luck.