As far as I understood Echo, this is her first child. and she is supposed to enjoy this time with her baby´, period.

Second thing is, as far as I understood, SD5 is not even biologically her husbands daughter.

They are not HER kids. Why shouldnt she ask their mother to do things for them?

I would take the five year old to the bus stop. Then come home with the 3 year old and your newborn.

"It will be easier when I get adjusted to my baby's morning routine...and also when I actually have to drop him off at day care to go back to work. I know moms do it all the time...I've just never done it so would love some advice or tips to make this as smooth as possible!"

This is a direct quote from her.Stop acting like she's some whining petulant ninny Echo because she isn't.You're acting like she's asking sooooo much of BM and you're acting like she is portraying herself as completely incapable of functioning.I see a woman expressing her fears and worries to what should be a safe space of women who could give her advice and guidance instead of telling her to suck it up and stop being a baby.

Stepping, I agree that asking for help is NOT wrong!!! They're her kids, hence she SHOULD be helping out, even if for a short while. You don't know how this labor will go....no one does. What if you have to have a c-section? You wont be able to lift much, let alone drive for at least 6 wks.
What does DH say about it? I would have no problem asking BM for help with her own kids. I never had that luxury as BM was always institutionalized.

I would defenitely ask BM. They are her kids afterall, right? She can take care of them so you can enjoy your new baby. It's only fair. Having a newborn is stressul enough and you need to enjoy it without the extra stress of HER kids.

You deserve alone time with YOUR child.

I agree with Daisy Duke...this is your first baby and it is absolutely a special time for both you and DH but..largely for you because the bond you have with your baby as a mother is far different than between dad and baby. The first few months are crucial for you to build that relationship with your child and I would be dammed if I had to miss out on this experience because I was carting other people's kids all over the map. I know that's a little extreme to say and maybe sounds harsh but you deserve to spend time with baby and like rottensweatpea said, rest because you're going to need it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking anyone to help with their own children. It is beyond me that DH or BM could ask you to care for your newborn and raise their kids with a smile on your face like you are thrilled to do it and it's a simple task! Have you spoken to DH about how you feel about having this newborn with very little help from him or BM?

Oh and this other child is not DH's?? I think it would be ok to inform BM that it is just not convenient for you to watch the child in the afternoons etc anymore...your baby gets first priority in my opinion. You have no legal committment to this child as far as I can understand that so she needs to step up and find alternative care for this child. I'm sorry but baby is in, unrelated child is out!

I don't agree with DH or the OP shoving SD5 out of their lives now that a biokid came along.

But I think depending on whether or not BM is a whackjob - it is very reasonable to have DH ask her to shuttle her own kids around for a brief period of time.

I think it's very appropriate that DH should ask at work if he can adjust his schedule for a few weeks because his wife just delivered his child. It is up to him to try to help. It's his baby, too. Even if all the kids were yours together, I don't feel that would be unreasonable and most employers will make some allowances for paternity- if not paternity leave, at least a little flex for a few weeks.

Tell DH that you need him to help and let him decide how that will work. If he wants to enlist help from BM, fine, but his kids are there on his time and it's not her responsibility at that point. I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you that, too. DH just needs to know you need some help and figure out what HE is going to do to help you.

Stepping - I totally agree with you - those 6 weeks are your time to bond with you new baby. I just had DD 5 months ago and thankfully my dad would stop in every morning and take my DS 3 to day care. We kept DS home for the first week or so and then go him back on the same schedule. In the long run, I think it was the right thing to do. Do you have any friends or family in the area you could ask before you ask BM - maybe a mom who also waits at the bus stop could swing by and pick SD up or maybe you could even offer it up to her dad (I think I remember he is or is trying to be in the picture) As for dropping of SS at daycare - maybe you could ask someone there if they would mind meeting you at the door for curbside drop off if you can't find assitance with SS - then you wouldn't have to lug the car seat in and out.

As for being a mom and not asking for help because we just do it - yeah down the road we look back and say yeah I did it and I did it all by myself but I think for most of us, if we could have had some help we wouldn't have turned it down.

You can do it regardless of whether or not you get help. Of course, help is always welcome! But unless you know BM is willing, I wouldn't even ask. To me, it wouldn't be worth the drama. My story:

My kids were something like 12(BS), 8(SS), 7(BD), and 5(SD) when our youngest was born. He was born in June, so all the kids were home from school. We moved across country 2 weeks before my son was born. My DH left the country about 6 days after his birth.

I was alone. In a new state. With five kids, one of them a newborn. And no help. No way would I have asked my stepkids mother. She would have seen it as a sign of weakness and used it against us somehow.

Here's what I had going for me that you don't....experience. I had already been there. done that...a few times. That really helps.

But I didn't have my husband around to help me at all. I didn't have any family or friends around...we had just moved. And school was out. We don't do daycare, so that was never an option.

If you can get someone to help you....GREAT! But if you can't...you can do it!!! And it will be fun!

I don't know why this post is striking a nerve...but OP...welcome to the world of competitive motherhood.

All over, in plain site...it starts during pregnancy-women compeat, attack, accuse, belittle others choices, "perceived" weaknesses, experience, lacktherof, etc...it never stops.

Moms have to "one-up" eachother all the time- some are making it very clear that you not owning up and taking this all on makes you a weak/bad mother/woman. F that. We ALL have limitations. We all try to prove to the world and others how much superwomen we are and can do all this and that with NO help and we're such martyrs. WHY?

People for centuries relied on all KINDS of help amongst communities/families/mothers. This day and age and American culture of EXTREME independence, do it all, don't need anyone is BS....why do YOU think we have so many women cracking down, breakdowns, antidepressants, bitter, unhappy. You also have more divorce, and broken homes. I really think this relates somewhat to that extreme independence we celebrate from infancy on up. If people had more support of family/friends and community while raising families I think things would be different. But we insist on doing everything on our own, then we grow resentful, bitter, tired, nag, we stop wanting sex, our husbands grow harsh with us, and there's the cycle. Asking for help from ANYONE with motherhood OR stepmotherhood should not ever be seen as weakness!!! It's called being HUMAN. We are NOT bionic women w/no emotions and have human physical limits.

I'm a strong proponent of it takes a village though-the more support parents have through family/community the better marriage and family they have and happier children all around.

We try to do it all and prove to the world and other moms we are bigger/better/more organized/better people/parents and be damned you need an ounce of empathy/compassion or help in heading to new motherhood, or multiple motherhood, or stepmomhood.

I remember very well being a new mom, I was scared, didn't know what to do, you are sleep deprived, you are busy bonding and trying to rest. It is NOT wrong of you to ask you DH to handle whatever situation he needs to do with his own children...even if that means asking the kids other parent to be responsible for a few more days a week if he can't get the work flexibility.

ENJOY your time w/baby-you shouldn't have to keep the 3yr old w/you during the day. There is a REASON we are a first time mom and all that you learn from that.

I remember finally feeling some confidence and i got preggo w/my second, terrified again. Was coming home to no help w/an infant and 19mo old. SCARY! I made it and felt more confident also with my second by far.., but the lack of support and help facilitated the road to post partum depression that lasted almost 2 yrs.

.

but wait!if we ask for help and need the village then we aren't REAL women!We're weak little wimps if we need help with something as simple and uncomplicated as caring for a newborn! Geesh people are you trying to get Steppings 'i am woman hear me roar' card taken from her by suggesting it's actually OK to ask for help???ugh you are all so wrong!she should NOT ask for help.she should scramble around shuffling her newborn around in the middle of February and she should do it with a smile until she cracks and murders someone THAT would make her a REAL woman dont ya know.

LMAO @ overit2 and Asher!

See if a shuttle service is available in your area. When my SS-18 was ~8-10yo he would go to after school care for 1-2hrs until either his Mom or I could pick him up after we got off of work. The shuttle would pick him up after school then take him to Kid Space where we would pick him up. Kid Space is a drop him day care that was near our home so we did not have to contract for expensive day care and could use it and pay for it when we needed it rather than pay a ton of money for care we often did not use.

If I remember correctly it cost us about $50/mo for the shuttle service.

You may be able to go with a few months of this until you settle in to the new baby routine and then when you are comfortable you can go back to you more regular routine.

Congrats on the new baby.

Best regards,

Wow. Well let me see if I can deflect a bit of the hostility you are getting:

When I had BS1, my second child, it was summer and the children were out of school and BM had the nerve to ask H if I could watch SD (then 10) while I was on maternity leave. Now this was not a small child but I still just flat out told H that I didn't want to - period. Yes, I had a c-section but that wasn't it. At the end of the day I just didn't want to with all of the "issues" I already had with my "responsibilities" where the SKs were concerned vs. the lack thereof with the SK's own parents. Of course I don't have a motherly love or bond with with SD so maybe that made the decision easier for me? Besides, I was paying for my own BS (then 4) to go daycare during that period, so why on earth would I want to take on somebody else kid?!

On a seperate note, my BS6 is not my H's biological son, but H & I got together when BS6 was only 10 months so H has been the only "Dad" that BS6 has ever known. I will admit that I DO EXPECT H to care for BS6 as his own because he CHOSE to take on that role after I EXPLICITLY stated this as REQUIREMENT to be with me before we even became a couple. (Yes, I was that apparently RARE mother that ADMITS that I was looking for a Daddy for my child because the bio father wasn't around.) So you see, the difference here, was that the same agreement was not made when it came to my H's children. His children were older (8 & 14yo) and already had relationships with their BMs no matter how worthless or half-*ssed their BMs were, so I was never "Mom" for them. Yet despite all this, H has really only been "Dad" in name only to my BS6 because I have done all of the providing financially (with zero CS $ from bio 4 of the 6 years), all while I have not only been providing financially for MY children INCLUDING the 1 of have now WITH H, but also for H and for SKs when they were living in and visiting my home as well, with no little assistance from H and none from the BMs.

So yeah, I guess what I'm saying is I felt I had every right to decline taking care of SD when I was maternity leave. That was MY time, with MY child, in MY home, on MY dime! (Yeah, this one kinda rubbed me the wrong way and turned into my own little vent I guess. Sorry. lol!)

Anyway in response to your post, no, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask for help taking care of these children during your maternity leave, I just think the person you should be asking is your H, and if your H needs the BM's help then he should be the one asking her, as BM would really not helping YOU out, she would be helping your H out, and it's not like she is helping take care of YOUR children she is helping take care of HER own children - isn't that what a parent is SUPPOSED to do?!

When you ask for help from BM, you are setting yourself up for a fall. You give her a position of power over you and although it may not matter now, it will be thrown in your face later. Do what you can to maintain your normal schedule WITHOUT involving BM. If you involve her, you just show her you can't handle it yourself.