I'm sorry to bother you all (again), but I need some advice.
So, I love this website and am so greatful for all of your input. It's been a rocky week and an awful Christmas. I think I need some advice on my situation in general-I'll try and keep it brief.
My DH is a kind man, he treats my pets wonderfully and I love that about him. He is too kind though, and his narcissistic, bipolar, ADD, ADHD brat daughter makes our life hell. We have been married for 3.5 years, I pulled her away from an abusive BM and we have determined that she takes ALL of her anger towards her BM on me. This is really tough to take and sometimes it is just too much. I get fed up. She ruined our third x-mas together, she is never sorry, and she is torture to be around.
Our relationship goes in spurts from great to hellish, depending on the mood of SD (bipolar-gee, go figure). When she is out of line, I insist he correct it. Today for example he asked me to make his printer a wireless printer. This involves downloading programs to all of our computers (including the one I bought her). I text her and ask what her password is, she freaks out, we get into it, and she acts like an ass. All she had to do was say 'I am sorry, but I would feel weird about this, can we do it later.' That was not what I got. The entitled little b**** acted like I was inconveniencing her on HER computer (again, that I bought).
The list goes on, and as I said we fluctuate from doing great to awful. Without me, she would be back with her abusive BM and she just doesn't get it. The problem is that I feel this also stems from the attitude her father has. He is incredibly kind, and I drug him up to another state (he is on disability) for my career. Not many men would do that. He is great to my dogs (which means so much), but he is too damn soft on that monster of his. If he would f****** correct her behavior, this would not be an issue yet he only half-heartedly does and only at my insistence. This might be an unfair statement-he says he constantly is on her when I'm not around but since I'm not there I obviously can't tell.
My question is, have you all had this experience and will it get better? I have a sneaking suspicion I know the answer. He is sulking in the other room because I was made at him for not correcting her behavior (she had the never to text him to tell me not to text her-on the phone I bought for and phone plan I am paying for).
I don't want a divorce-but I see it coming. My resentment continues to build and I don't see an end. Help! Any words of wisdom? Any brilliant plans where I can make him realize that she is killing us not me?
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I wish I could give you some
I wish I could give you some great advise but my DH is sulking up in the media room because of his wonderful 24yr old daughter.
I love your statement "where I can make him realize that she is killing US not me"
You said it best it is US they kill. My DH and I have not spoken for two days due to his adult kids but guess what the grown kids are not bothered what so ever.
Hell they do not even live in the same town as us.
I hope your husband realizes soon or he will be stuck with just his daughter.
Good Luck
You didn't say how old your
You didn't say how old your SD is, but I think it's more than appropriate for the adult in the house to have the password of her computer if she's young.
If your SD really does have those things, then some of her behavior is out of her control. If she's not being treated for them (as in psychotherapy, not necessarily medicated) then that may be part of the problem. It may be that your SD truly lacks the ability to understand her behaviors and how they impact others. Mental illness does not make someone "a brat." It's an illness that needs to be treated, just like cancer. If your DH is doing anything to make sure that happens, to me, that is the problem.
I know it's a lame suggestion, but have you guys considered family therapy or maybe a support group for parents of children with mental health issues?
Thank you for your
Thank you for your comments-they are really helpful. If nothing else, I know that I am not alone.
I should have added additional information. My SD is 17, and she refuses to go to counseling. When we physically drag her, she either won't talk or she starts to cuss out the therapist. It's SO hard. Her narcissistic traits represent everything I dislike as a person-self centered, entitled, selfish and awful. It's like a trigger for me and I have a really hard time dealing with her. I can usually swallow my comments until she specifically acts rude to me-then I speak my mind either to her or to DH (mostly to DH to protect her unless she engages me in confrontation).
My husband and I are in counseling. I do have depression problems (inherited from my mom), but mine are getting so bad that I'm now on Lithium. I can't tell if that is because of her, or my own issues. Sigh....I don't want to get a divorce-then he says he'll take my favorite dog. As stupid as it sounds I want the dog.
Hi everyone! It's been a
Hi everyone! It's been a while. I finally got a week (yep a whole week) off from work. Unfortunate for me, I have my two sd. Ugh!!!! Anyway, I want to reply to this post. My sds insist on our house or our day to be filled with activity. Funny thing their narrcisiast mom could care less and does the bare minimum if anything.
This committe struck the core of my issue "It's SO hard. Her narcissistic traits represent everything I dislike as a person-self centered, entitled, selfish and awful. It's like a trigger for me and I have a really hard time dealing with her. I can usually swallow my comments until she specifically acts rude to me-then I speak my mind ."
I not only deal with a mother with these traits but a stepdaughter. I finally have come to grips with if as the bio mother you are going to lie about everything, their father, me, his family, everything...money, time, her boyfriend, her finacial ~ the bm going on a trip somewhere everweek. Leaving these children every where bur being with them herself. I decided --- time to speak the truth in a claim non combative way. Andcthough the week as been hell I've bee able to read text message from the bm to the child that she is indeed away AGAIN after the child asked her where she was. I handed her my phone and she read them.
Obviously this is not written in any text book. But whenyou have a child whose loyalties are torn and it makes them confused the truth will reveal the TRUTH.
In our case bm does not at all encourage a relationship with the father, she uses us like a baby sitting service and I am sorry I am not. I give these two little girls all the love and affection I gave my 23yo.
Stop protecting the bm that doesn't protect you. She only cares about herself and will throw you under a bus without thinking twice.
If the dogs are purebred,
If the dogs are purebred, make sure AKC/UKC registrations are in your name (only). Make sure any titles earned, are in your name only as well.
(Oh, boy do I remember THAT argument with DH..."If his (the dog's) [performance] Championship certificate comes in with your ex-wife's name on it, I swear-to-God I will SHAVE YOUR DOG." But, I digress..)
Vet records/receipts? Your name only. Boarding receipts, grooming, if you have a credit card in your name (only, not joint) use THAT for buying dog food, treats, supplies....
Don't you just hate it when
Don't you just hate it when you have such problems you bring up divorce --- and then, instead of wondering what he can do to make things better, your H just says what he feels will hurt you or manipulate you into staying. SCREW THAT!
When you are moving out or getting HIM to get the hell out, make sure the dog is elsewhere!! Or the first out of the house before he knows what hits him.
What a jackass some guys are!
Snarky01-if it comes to that,
Snarky01-if it comes to that, I'll find you. Thank you.
My BS is bi-polar and ADHD
My BS is bi-polar and ADHD and acts that same way---IF he isn't on his meds. I don't believe in medicating kids all the time-- but I personnaly know that if I didn't keep my son on his I'd probably have had CPS called on me plenty of times already.
Llorraine, hope it doesn't
Llorraine, hope it doesn't come to that. No other advice to offer you than hang in there, but keep your point firm. You do *not* deserve to be treated that way by anyone, regardless of their biological link with you. Put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve, not because of what you buy for her or what you provide for them, but because no human being should treat another like that.
I think that family should treat each other with *more* respect than we do strangers. This is a quality that seems lacking in many family relationships these days, especially with the lovely skids that everyone talks about here. By the very fact that you are taking care of this person, providing them with a safe and supportive environment in which to grow up, you deserve all the respect in the world. From her and from your DH.
We give too much and ask too little in return. I know in my case, I simply expect it, but never demand it. I need to learn to demand that my own limits and desires be respected - without being looked at like I'm from another planet. My DW often reprimands me for being too demanding, requiring too much from the kids - because they had a hard childhood, because they've got issues to work through. Fine, let them work through them. But does that mean I have to tolerate being verbally shat upon? Not in my household, no.
Positive thoughts going your way.
Step situations suck. I see
Step situations suck. I see her acting like a normal hormonal teen. My daughter went through it at about 13-14. She saw a total b!tch. BUT, I am the mother and I could discipline her as I saw fit. She said something one time to me and I had to take her butt down to the floor. She knew to NEVER speak that way to me again. Lol. She is now 22 and is the greatest kid you will ever meet. Several years ago she apologized to me for how big of a turd she was for that year.
Your problem is you are a STEP mother so you can’t really do that. So my advice her it to sit your DH down and tell him…
DH, I love you very much but these step issues are creating a wedge in our marriage so I am disengaging. Not because I don’t love you, but because I love you so much. I will not be a mother figure to SD, I will be more like a friendly Aunt. I will no longer pay for ANYTHING for her, I will no longer try to make lead her to be a respectable adult, and I will no longer be an authority figure. You, DH, are her father and you are the one responsible for all of the above mentioned things. You are also responsible for making sure SD is not rude to me or our house. If she wants to treat you like crap that is your decision, but you will make sure that she is not disrespectful of me and my house. PERIOD.
Make sure he knows that you are not giving up, on SD, but you are making him take the parental roll back. COMPLETELY. Then you shut of the phone, sell the computer and try to relax.
Example…
DH… Can you make my printer wireless?
YOU… Sure, I need SD’s password, so when you get that I will fix it.
DH… SD won’t give it to me.
YOU… Well, then I can’t help you. Let me know if you get it.
Wow.....not a good situation.
Wow.....not a good situation. It really makes you the "enemy" in your own home, you know? Your home is the one place you should be able to feel comfortable.
DH needs to get over his "guilty daddy" syndrome and realize that this girl has serious medical/emotional/control issues. He needs to be the PARENT, not her friend. He is doing her no good with this constant enabling of her bad attitudes and behavior.
YOU need to stop enabling everyone, also. Don't let your husband get away with being a schmuck just because it's his daughter. Don't do a dang thing for her anymore. No meals, no presents, no attention. If she wants to act like a 2 year old, then treat her like a 2 year old. When she throws a fit, ignore her. But, do NOT play into her antics because that's EXACTLY what she wants!
Sigh (of relief). We (Steps)
Sigh (of relief). We (Steps) are not alone, and we have resources. You all are awesome! THANK YOU!!!!!
She needs to act repeatedly
She needs to act repeatedly horribly to her father before he MIGHT change his ways.
I completely disengaged after the last blowout with SD19. She screamed and yelled awful things at DH, ignored me (before and after her tantrum), and still hasn't backed down. I told DH that her behavior is out of control and unacceptable for someone her age. He got mad at me and told me that "She's just a kid" (his typical answer) and also said that I'm the only one who ever has a problem with her. (Ok, he's delusional there. His own parents don't even want anything to do with her anymore, and she's their firstborn grandchild!)
So after he decided I'm the only one with the problem, I shut down. I no longer discuss her with him, and he doesn't say much about her anymore. I think my pregnancy has given her more fuel to act out toward her father so maybe it's even more of a miracle than I thought; I get the baby I've always wanted and thanks to that, SD stays away. Win/win!!
Bi-polar is tricky.
Bi-polar is tricky. Especially in children....ESPECIALLY females. My best suggestion is to quit engaging her. When she is doing good, engage her. When she shoots to the other end, disengage. There is no winning a fight with a bipolar person. All you asked was a password and she flips out....calmly and matter of factly say, "okay, only trying to help" and hang up the phone. No arguing, no trying to convinvce her you were being polite and trying to set up computer, etc. Just disengage. Any time you tell DH about discipline, he'll disengage you. Like women, guys hear "You are a bad parent." Did we say that, no. Is that what they hear, yes. He no more knows what to do with an adolescent female, (much less a bipolar female,) than a BM, SM, GM, etc...would know what to do. I'd disengage the daughter until she realizes she is not going to get the drama she wants from you. It'll be tough whether its a biodaughter or a stepdaughter. My heart goes out to you.
I agree with Rhyleighblue!
I agree with Rhyleighblue! STOP now! Stop doing anything for her at all! DO Nothing! When she comes to you for anything talk her to see her dad! IF she truly has a mental illness she needs help. I don't know how but she needs to get it. But I would still disengage from her her make her dad deal with everything. She is not your kid, she is your dh's kid! He needs to deal with her. She is almost an adult and needs to know how to be an adult and take care of herself. MAke your dh step up.