No longer on the fence. It's over.
BF had his horrible daughters this week and I told him last week that I would see him on Christmas. He insisted that it didn't have to be that way, that he wants to be together. I know he wanted to bring them to my house, but I really don't want them there and I have to work all week while he takes vacation and entertains them with movies and dinners out. Then oldest one (almost 19) thinks she's his wife and the youngest one (7) gets treated like she's 30 and acts 3. I can't stand them.
I finally told him, as I have in the past, that I just can't do this. I love him, but I just can't sign on for what I see as an every other weekend and four weeks a year babysitting gig for a kid that is spoiled rotten, will not listen to me, is disrespectful to me even as a guest in my house. He insists things have changed, that he has talked to them and I should try.
What does that mean? It means I give in and accept this. I see only three options here.
1. His kids are sent to the moon. I'm happy.
2. We leave things as they are for the next 11 years and support two different places while living mainly in mine except for EOWE. That gets old and the relationship cannot move forward. Also, he won't leave me alone on my time and calls and texts constantly and if I go out with friends during his weekends away he freaks out if he can't reach me.
3. He gets his way and I suck it up and be miserable, because I guarantee it cannot have changed much. They do still exist and have yet to make any apologies for their rudeness to me. That's fine, but I don't want to have to live with that in my home!
Anyway, I explained all this the best I could, making it no one's fault, but the next day I was inundated with horrible text messages, accusing, name calling, demanding. Really angry. Well, I did not respond. I told him it's over.
My sons were sick of seeing him run off like an idiot in the night for the last year any way and not capable of talking about anything. Run off and then hide behind accusing texts. I showed my sons what he had written and my oldest asked if he could be the one to return BF's stuff. So he did and pretty much let XBF have it. Very ugly exchange.
Next day I get a final email from XBF just whining about how they could talk to him like that after he has given ALL and DONE EVERYTHING for me. Yeah= he has, but it all had strings attached. He demanded back a pendant that he had given me and an item that he had given my oldest son!
He is really a drama queen. He can't accept that I just can't deal with the situation and I'm trying to let go nicely. He just had to make it into FAULT! And he is so innocent and I HAD BETTER TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH! That he gave ALL!
Anyway, I'm feeling sad but better and my first weekend alone in my house without him ever coming back was liberating. I cleaned my place, visited some friends I haven't been able to see because of him. I watched Christmas movies and wrapped packages. I sat in front of my fire with a book and a glass of wine.
I want to thank you all for your help and insight through all of this. Caregiver- I have always appreciated your ability to see both sides realistically and give a no-holds-barred opinion.
Step Aside- how gracefully you handle things.
Crayon- smart lady! I've felt for you and I hope you get that house sold.
Butterfly- you crack me up sometimes. We all need that.
Maux- I think you almost have my life!
A Deville- I could so relate.
And to the one good friend I've made here- thank you for sharing!
To all of you, I feel like i know you and in a way we all know one another. We're from different places, different circumstances, but we do have much in common.
There's the end of this chapter of my life and I'm ready to turn the page. I want to thank all of you again. I will miss you and I hope that you don't mind if I haunt this site as I get over this.
Happy holidays to all.
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Comments
Can we have a survivor blog?
Can we have a survivor blog?
Survivors of both kinds, that
Survivors of both kinds, that is. Those who made it out and those who made it through!
Aww I am kinda sad about
Aww I am kinda sad about this. Onthefence, you and I were in the same boat and it makes me worry about my relationship a little. I have been "on the fence" just like you. I hope you have a happy life
You're right, Still
You're right, Still Searching. We certainly have our similarities. I do hope it goes better for you. I am just too old and independent already to accept the whole package. At first I really didn't understand what it would be like. I thought, no problem. I have kids, he has kids, why would that be an issue? HOLY HELL! I really think I could have made it further if he wasn't such an insecure control freak though. I think that's what exacerbates his guilty daddy deal. He is so insecure that he doesn't punish his oldest for shoplifting and lying about it. They can do no wrong, but he can have his thumb on me every minute, and if I don't do what he wants he becomes this punishing martyr and makes it all my fault.
Well, thanks to some suggestions here I read emotional blackmail and it took only a matter of pages to see at least three of his methods of controlling me.
I hope you at least have a healthy relationship with your man, because honestly, that was the icing on the cake for me. There has to be something to hold onto. If you have that, it's probably worth hanging in there for. I mean, we want our men, not their kids- if the kids are great, then bonus. Bottom line is it's about us and our man, though.
On the fence - every time
On the fence - every time someone finally takes the leap from being in a horrible and I feel very abusive (emotional) situation and get out of it - you all write the same things - that the relief is almost palpable and in most cases the first thing everyone does is clean their homes almost like getting rid of the bad crap and starting to see friends again. I don't think all of us fully realize how isolating this life can be - most of us truly know no one in our situation and our friends and family don't want to hear it and our DH's don't quite get the frustration so we start to turn inward and stop seeing friends and most spend time on the computer on sites such as these so that we can feel like we are not alone.
As I always say you have one life and one life only and in the scheme of things it is not a very long life at all - so be happy and be healthy and even though it is a crappy time of the year to be breaking up - please look at this as a wonderful gift that you have given yourself and your children. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve someone who is going to make you happy and have the relationship all about you and them and not be trying to get over some overblown guilt that is in their head.
So sweetie - Merry Christmas and don't leave the site - let us know how you are doing and just because you are not a SM anymore does not mean you have to leave here.
Thank you! My heart is warm
Thank you! My heart is warm and I am smiling! I know that at my age if I am to have a partner he will most likely have kids, but I know now how to be more aware of the red flags from the beginning and avoid anyone with young children. This has been an opportunity for personal growth, that's for sure. I'm so glad I found this site because you're right- friends and family are sick of hearing it. Most of my friends don't get it because they are still married to the fathers of their children and the kids are grown now anyway. Those kind tend to think there's something wrong with you. It's been very good to know I'm not crazy and to be able to set some boundaries for the future!
Congrats on getting out of a
Congrats on getting out of a bad situation. May 2011 bring you MUCH love, light, peace, happiness & hopefully a new man with less baggage!
I really, truly believe, that
I really, truly believe, that no matter what choices we make, we can make them turn out okay.
That doesn't make sense does it.
Earlier this year, my DH and I split for about 5 weeks. We reconciled. I know in my heart that had we stayed apart and moved on apart, I would have been okay. Yes, my marriage is better now, BUT, I know either way, I would have been fine.
You will be fine. Spend all your time with your boys this weekend. Don't dwell. Christmas can be depressing. We all set ourselves up for this BIG DEAL and some end up being dissapointed.
Don't set yourself up for that this weekend. Plan now to be busy all weekend.
That is too bad that it
That is too bad that it didn't work out, but yet I am happy for you. You don't have to leave the site!
Best wishes for your next new, happy phase of life!!!! HUGS
Remember, just because you
Remember, just because you are no longer in the situation doesn't mean that you don't have good advice and life experiences to help others, if you so choose.
Thank you all! It does make
Thank you all! It does make me feel better to be here while I work my way through this and I do hope that I can offer empathy and help to others too!
Hugs to you, On the Fence. I
Hugs to you, On the Fence. I think you did the right thing. You shouldn't have to change, settle, suffer to be with a man. Yes, of course you love him, but when you get older you realize love isn't the only part of the equation...and that the situation is also important, because love can exist in a vacuum.
You are a brave woman. I am getting ready to end mine for probably the final time as I have the same three scenarios available to me and also because there is nowhere/no way to move forward. My house is also ground zero, and I just don't want that anymore. I love my bf SO much and goddamn, I waited SO long for him but it's just not enough...I cannot accept his package. I know the statistics are that 75% of people marry within five years of a divorce and I am at year six and in my 40s...doesn't look good but I can't make it right.
I just know you will be ok. You sound good and centered.
I'm sending you lots of good vibes...feel proud that you did not settle for a life that would drive you nuts. I am proud of you!
Enjoy your refreshing and
Enjoy your refreshing and free holiday. Please don't return the jewelry he gave you and do not allow your son to return the gift that your X has requested back from him.
Gifts are not returned upon request.
Good luck and best regards,
Awe, I see you feel at peace
Awe, I see you feel at peace with your decision. If I had this insight 10 years ago, I probably would have chosen against marrying DH. If I knew what I was in for.
Good for you that you don't have to put up with the skid bullshit anymore!!! You are brave for making the decision, and I'm glad you have your own home. Some people are sick and can twist anything into something ugly. Just about everything that I do for skids is wrong or stupid. They do it to hurt their dad, they don't care about him, they just want his money.
Thanks so much, all of
Thanks so much, all of you!!
Alexandra- you're so right. It is tough and I still love BF in spite of all the crap, but I cannot stand the baggage he brings and really, his true colors came right out. Scary! I'll be 48 next month and even though it's sad to start over, I know that in my case the relationship would not have stood up to all of this and I don't need another divorce in my life or to have to give him everything that I know now he would fight me for.
And Rags- too late, I gave the dirtbag everything back so that he could stop texting about it. Actually, my sons took it back to him and had some choice words for him as they returned our gifts.
Yes, I am at peace with my decision. It was a long time overdue and one that I had tried to make several times, but I just wanted to believe so badly. It will all be ok and he can either get over it or die mad. Can't really think of any other option for him at this point.