Small Satisfaction
So last weekend when we had SD's SD5 was what shall I say.....hmmm..a pain in the ass. Yeah...that's accurate. She was whiny, and argumentative, and everything she was told to do was such torture for her. She had a complete meltdown about wearing socks and she was just overall bratty. She had been with us more then usual for the couple of previous weeks and she had a couple of behavioral issues with school having this same whiny bratty attitude with teachers. BM had declared that she must be acting this way because of the back and forth between our home and hers. I knew that was a CROCK. She tends to imply often that when SD does anything wrong it is because we taught it to her or we are the ones that teach her wrong. BM told us that she was SO SURE that after SD got back to her house and back to "normal" that SD would be just perfect, fine, wonderful...an angel.
Well I called SD today to see how her weekend went and to tell her to have a good Monday at school tomorrow if its not canceled and when I was done talking to SD, BM got on the line. I asked her how the week was and she proceeded to tell me that SD has been in trouble all week and weekend. She said that SD was still doing the same things she was doing last week and that she was still getting in trouble at school for her attitude and at home she has had to have several talks with SD about what kind of person she wants to be. LOL I wanted to say...."oh so spending the week with YOUR PERFECTNESS didn't instantly cure her!?! HOW CAN THAT BE!?! But I didn't...I simply said..."well she must just be going through a phase.." and left it at that. HAHAHA. I just feel a bit vindicated that SD was not an instant angel for her. I guess she cant blame this attitude on us. Look in the mirror BM, look in the mirror. YOU are the person that has the primary influence on her as YOU are custodial and have her more often so maybe just maybe she is learning some of these things from YOU. (and mostly SF!)
Next weekend she comes and will be with us for the whole first week of Xmas break (Dec. 18th thru the evening of the 24th). Here's hoping her attitude is improved by the pending arrival of Santa because if not it's going to be a rough week.
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sounds like she's craving
sounds like she's craving attention from anywhere she can get it...but take it from me, don't get too involved; let DH and BM handle it...if you take over, it'll be your cross to bear, and you will grow resentful. If she acts up, make it DH problem, not yours. If he can't handle it, I'd have a talk with about how this is affecting your life... and I'd make him very aware that changes need to be made to improve her behavior. If I could do it over again, I'd go back and do exactly what I'm telling you to do..I wanted to fix my SS, and be super stepmom, and it blew up in my face, and I was left looking like a fool, is so many different ways. At the end of the day, she isn't really your problem, I'm not saying don't be there at all, but know your role, and let everyone else know your role, and stick to it, for your own sanity, believe me, I've been there!
Every family is different and
Every family is different and I definitely understand what your saying and that is true of a more typical blended family. In my case however I am her other mother so taking a back seat isn't an option or a desire. She is my cross to bear and I will never resent that and no she is not my problem. She could never be a "problem" as she is our daughter. My role is as her other mom. That is how we as a 4 person parenting time (BM, BF, SM (me) and SF) have decided to raise her. We have BM & SF's support and they have ours. BM & I if the situation was different would be very good if not best friends. I know my situation is not typical and your advice is great just doesn't apply to me. I do however enjoy that SD wasn't an "angel" for BM this week because its nice to see her realize that SD doesn't get all of her bad ideas and personality from us....she gets plenty from then as well...especially her SF who I don't think BM even realizes has such an influence on her personality.
Glad to hear that you are
Glad to hear that you are secure in your role as SM for this child, I remember feeling the same way- believe it or not me & BM were friends once, and discussed how to raise SS together..I got over zealous though, and eventually had to entire job to do on my own, with no appreciation. Hopefully you won't experience that. All I am saying is don't allow yourself to be a dumping ground for all the drama, because it will happen before you know it, I was besties with BM, SF, and DH we were like threes company, and all the while, I was being taken advantage of, in so many different ways, too many to count, just would hate to have that happen to someone else..now I'm bitter, and full of resentment, not a good thing.
Good luck with your SD I wish you a better road to travel than what I've had...
I would also like to add that
I would also like to add that if your man treats your kids like you treat his, and he's a good man and BM is involved with the child,and respects your role as wife, and SM, then I say go for it, raise SD together. That was not the case with me, my kids were not treated equal, DH was going behind my back, doing favors (and God knows what else) for BM, and BM was(and still is) a complete idiot that was taking me for a ride, and most likely, laughing at me behind my back ( I was too blind to see it at the time) I would have loved to take my SS in, and have one big family, but it never happened. It was all about him, noone or nothing else mattered, so maybe this isn't your situation, I sure hope it isn't, because I was a fool to tolerate it and I will never put up with that shit ever again, and I want everyone on this forum to look at me as an example of what NOT to do when it comes to crazy BM's, dysfunctional DH's, and spoiled bratty skids...it's just not worth it..
I apologize for wasting your time,and I didn't mean to imply our situations were similar~ good luck to you!
I'm glad you got that small
I'm glad you got that small satisfaction
Our BM is the same way. She likes to pretend that SS only acts up when he comes home from a visit with DH. Now, this might be true but would BM ever stop to think that maybe he acts because he doesn't want to come home? SS has told DH several times that he wants to come and live with him. DH is a strict disciplinarian and always back BM when it comes to punishment (say if he got his DS taken away at home, DH will NOT let him play a DS when he is with us). DH tries to keep the discipline on the same level as BM. Also, if he only acted up after a visit with DH than why does SS7 always get his DS taken away from him when DH is nowhere around. Nice try, BM...nice try