Fiance's comment broke my heart.
Fiance and I were discussing last night about how excited we are to have our baby. He said it's so different with me being pregnant. He said that the entire pregnancy with BM was filled with dread -- they both pretty much knew their relationship was crap and they both just stuck around to see if it'd get better. We talked about it being so nice that we will have complete "say" in our kid's life, where we don't have that with the skid's lives (obviously because they are BM's too).
Then he said the thing that broke my heart...
DF: "I feel like they're not even MY kids anymore."
Me: "Do you really feel that way? That makes me sad."
DF: "It is sad. I feel like I have no say in their lives and no control over anything that has to do with them. I'm at the mercy of BM and every decision she makes that affects their lives. I don't get to decide if I want to put Son in skating classes or soccer classes or try to teach him things consistently because everything is so dependent on her and how she feels about it. I feel like he's not even my son anymore. And SD [who isn't his but he's raised] is just slipping further and further away and it's being instilled in her nowadays that I'm not her dad. I just feel like they used to be MY kids too...and now they're just HER kids and I feel like I'm just a poor schlump that is obligated to babysit them when she needs me to."
It just broke my heart that he feels like this...very sad 
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poor guy! How horrible! I
poor guy! How horrible! I wonder how many of the DHs on here feel that way - heck even the BM's who don't have custody.
I know my DH feels that way - no say, no input - nothing just kind like this is what's happening and you can just deal with it.
we (half) jokingly refered to
we (half) jokingly refered to my DH as "the uncle who pays for the kids." When BM was allowed to remove SSs from the state, the judge also took away legal custody (!!) from DH. We are In Massachusetts- see blog about manipulating BMs. We recently went back to court with a new judge and legal custody wa sreinstated. To this day we are perplexed as to why it was taken away in the first place. DH often feels he has no decision making- and he doesnt. Because SSs are 1500 miles away he never gets to go to school plays, sports, doctors appts. He basically sends checks and thats it. BM picks schools, doctors, etc. even though DH is SUPPOSED to have a say. yeah, try to get that with a psycho with physical custody. It IS sad.
"The uncle who pays for the
"The uncle who pays for the skids"... funny yet sad...
Wow. I'm sorry. Sounds just
Wow. I'm sorry. Sounds just like my DH as well for the last 6 months. It's sad to sit back and see what is really happening with no power to legally change it. (he tried so many times)
My DH has made that very same
My DH has made that very same comment. To hear him say that & know that he sincerely feels it...it makes me so sad.
Especially to know that there are so many fathers who are just around because they're expected to be & so many who actually run from being a father. The fact that there are men who truly WANT to be a father - a dad - but are not allowed...it's sad that children have to go without that because of a sour BM.
When SS (15 at the time) took DH to court to get out of visitation DH brought this to his attention. DH wanted to take SS to the detention home in our area & let him talk to some of the boys there who were raised without their fathers & would give anything to know them & be able to have relationships with them. Of course, SS refused to go.
I'm sorry your DH is feeling that way, & I'm sorry for you for having to watch it happen. While you can't fix his relationships with his other children, you are able to give him the opportunity to be a father to the child you have with him.
SO TRUE that there are sooooo
SO TRUE that there are sooooo many out there who WANT to be "DAD" and aren't able to fulfill their own desires to be that for someone. Then there's the dirtbag fathers who could give a sh** less...
Just like SD5 in my situation as well. My fiance has raised her since she was months old, because her real dad wasn't mature enough (he was 19) to step it up and be a father. Lo and behold, now that SD is a good kid (mostly) her real dad wants in on the picture. I'm not blaming him for being young and immature when he had a kid, it is just annoying to us that he is getting to pick and choose when he wants to be her "DAD"....while my fiance has been "DAD" all along.
"today's family court system
"today's family court system turns fathers into mere wallets and nothing more"
So. Blatantly. Obvious.
The sad thing is, even when
The sad thing is, even when they DO assert boundaries with the other bio parent, the fact is, if you don't have full custody you just don't have "full say" in the life of your kid. The sad and harsh reality of divorce/separation/custody battles.
DF bought an at-home kit that
DF bought an at-home kit that you send out, about 2 years ago. It still sits in our medicine cabinet. He's never had the guts to do it, yet there are plenty of times where SS3 is doing something goofy and DF says jokingly "I'm not so sure he's MY kid!" Except I hear the half-truth in that statement. I agree with you that it's hard to balance our own feelings of resentment towards the situation and the BM with the reality of it all...when you see the person that you love hurting.
I'm so sorry. I wonder what
I'm so sorry. I wonder what the kids would think if they realized that their BM was making their father feel that way. I guess they're still too young right now to understand, but that's awful.
Last night FDH woke up in a rage around 2am because he'd had a nightmare that BM asked him if he would give up legal custody so her BF could adopt the kids. He's never looked that scary before.
I find myself often wondering
I find myself often wondering about the future...what the kids will realize about the entire situation, and how they will look at him and me and BM and all of the men in BM's life...
We can only hope that when they are old enough to recognize it, that they'll come to appreciate the love that we "try" to give them when we have them.
i bet he's not the only dad
i bet he's not the only dad that feels that way, my dh feels that way towards his kids too, only there when THEY "want" him to be, not any more or less. bm treats him like nothing more than a sperm donor and a bread wagon, but she's always treated him that way, they havn't always seen it that way but slowly started to addmit the same. the longer we are together, the longer he feels closer to my dd whom he actually gets to parent and have say in her upbringing.
one day the skids will get to decide for themselves and they may or may not chose who the worser parent is, but they will see that one special parent who always bit tongue for the sake of the kids (hopfully both parents made the choices they made for the better of them and hopfully both parents chose the best step parent possible for the kids, one day, they too will see that)