The dreaded name change :(
I'm just feeling so upset today. See like many other women-I kept the ex's name after divorce. There were several reasons for this...mainly my kids so we could share the same name. 2) I was known professionally by that name 3) I filed my own divorce and it was 1 1/2yrs of paperwork filing and filling out back and forth I did NOT want to do a damn more thing about the divorce and take months more to finish that. 4) the last name is a nice and unusual one-it's actually a european city name-good conversation starter.
Over the years I've often thought of changing it back to my maiden name-but when i talked to the kids they got so upset saying it wouldn't be like a real family anymore-that they wanted to change theirs then, in essence it would cause them an identity crisis or they'd feel I'm rejecting them. In a way I even feel that way because that name is part of my identity for 15yrs now, everyone knows me by this name, and I feel that it's not even tied to my ex anymore-it's my boys and my family unit name. SO it would be tough for them to see me reject "our" family name.
The thought of paperwork and filling gives me hives honestly.
IT came up again for me a year ago when my relationship started getting more serious-it jsut felt wrong, but I was torn because of the implications. And again my kids expressed their discomfort.
Yesterday my bf went on this long, exhausting rant-I never once realized how upset he was that i kept the name or why i don't want to change it back to my name now. I told him I have thought of it, and wanted to-but the way he was presenting his thoughts made me feel so defensive and protective OF the stupid name-like he was insulting my and the kids identity for the last 15 years-it's just hard to explain. He HATES that his ex kept his name-can't stand it...my ex doesn't really care one way or the other.
I told him it takes time, money, paperwork, stress, dealign w/the kids feelings, with others feelings (family, friends, work). It's not an easy step to take. I know he thinks "why would you want to be associated w/something so shitty"....well my ex is, but my kids aren't-and our family name hasn't been shitty-it's been OUR family name-me and the boys, I take pride in it. I've had so many GOOD years w/this last name also!
I told him...I swear if I go through all this trouble to change my name (which I've thought of anyway and will do when I'm ready and not because of you)..do not think when/if we marry that I'm changing it again-that's it.
Honestly I'm of the school of belief I should have kept my name to begin with-but marry a machista and you imagine that didn't go over well. Women can't fucking win.
We are frowned on because we don't take their names and are some independent feminist freak...if we DO take it we're doormats....if we hyphenate we're jsut ridiculous and not committed...if we keep it after divorce we're f'ed in the head...
I'm sick of it honestly-I'm tired of women holding the short end of the stick-guess what??? If we had been treated as equal citizens from beginning of time instead of property and chattel....we wouldn't have this f'in problem to begin with. We would have kept our names, and been done with it. Fucking patriarchy bullshit-and now I"m made to feel shitty about it???
What if my kids want to change their name? I can't remove their dads name? But I probably could hyphenate w/my last name and go through all that bullshit huh?
I don't know why I feel so insulted today but I am-I'm mad, and honestly I don't even want to see him today.
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I did the same thing and I
I did the same thing and I DIDN'T have kids with my ex. Even though I hated being associated with him, the thought of doing all the paperwork and legwork to change my name back to my maiden name, to only have to change it yet again if I got re-married (which I did) was enough to make me want to cry... so I stuck with the ex-married name. Plus like you said, we had been married for 10 years, so that is what most everybody knew me as anyway.
I did change my name (on some things) when DH and I got married... like bank accounts, business cards etc. but still too lazy to deal with DMV, SS, credit cards etc. DH doesn't seem to care. Eventually I'll get everything changed over, but I'm in no hurry... I'm with you.. why does the woman have to do all this crap?? It's like if you are lucky enough to be born a male, you get a free ride for life to have woman do all the work and crap that you can't be bothered to do because that's what women are "supposed" to do. UGH!
You do what you are
You do what you are comfortable with. No more, no less. For me it makes me happy to have kept my name. Although, I hyphenated in my first marriage. I use my maiden name professionally. I use the hypenated version legally. Maiden Name-1st Married last name.
As for this husband, I only use his name if someone calls the house asking for the Mrs. 2nd Marriend Name. Or if I am making dinner reservations. I wouldn't even do that until I knew that his first wife had actually changed her name after she got married.
I am happy this way and I still have my son's name. I use just his last name for volunteering or anything relating to him. It works for me.
I would never do any of this, if it didn't work for me. As for making a man happy, hell no. They can change their name if they want to. I don't need to to feel like I am secure in my marriage to them. I want my son and I to have the same last name. No more no less.
Maybe the situation is different for me since my 1st husband died, but I doubt it. Again, do what makes you happy. Hyphenate if that works for you.
It is your name. You
It is your name. You contributed to the honor of it; you raised the children that bear it.
Change it if you wish but only because that is what YOU want to do. If your BF wants you to change your name he needs to step up with a honking rock and a proposal. Even then you should change your name only if YOU choose to.
My XW was a snarky bitch when we went to court for our divorce. She requested to have her name changed back to her maiden name. When the judge granted the request XW sarcastically said "thank God!". The Judge climbed her ass, asked her if she was pregnant and told her that if she continued with her disrespectful attitude that he would require her to get an amnio to prove she was not pregnant before granting her name change and if she was pregnant that she would NEVER be able to change her name.
XW contributed nothing to my name and thank God she was not pregnant.
My beautiful amazing wife however, has made my family name even more honorable and accomplished than it would have been had she not honored me by taking my name. It was her choice to take my name when we married .... or not. She chose to take the family name and has made it even better as my mother has done for more than 48 years.
When I asked my wife if she wanted to keep her maiden name her response was "Oh My God.... NO!" Her maiden name was a source of much childhood teasing and drama. She took mine in a second and has held it proudly.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a traditional guy who would much prefer my wife to have my last name. However, it is the woman’s choice.
You made your name, whatever it is hold it proudly.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
He needs to calm down and
He needs to calm down and listen to you with an open mind. Obviously this is something that's bothered him for a while, but he's never said anything. It's not his choice at all, and he needs to understand that. Perhaps if he were open to listening to your reasoning and your own inner back and forth on the issue then he wouldn't be so offended by it.
BF hates that his ex kept his last name, but I'm sure she did that so that she and the kids would keep the same last name. There was no way in all the world that BF would let her change the kids' last names if she changed hers. It doesn't bother me now that they share the same last name, but BF has told me that he'd like me to take his last name if we got married. I don't think I want to be the 2nd Mrs.--BF'slastname---- while the ex is still going by that name. I never felt hugely attached to my own last name until confronted with this. Growing up I always thought it was a little boring and plain, but the thought of losing it feels like losing a part of myself.
Good luck girl.
This...it was late at night
This...it was late at night and it wasn't the time for this kind of conversation-I agree it's something he's been holding back for a while. I understand that position as I can be a conflict avoider IRL as well (never online lol).
I told him we'll talk about it some other time when I can present my side w/out him ranting.
We exchanged some words and he left huffing...I was in bed..he was gone 2 minutes and came back in, apologized over and over and then started in AGAIN about it (although in a more calm fashion). Finally I just said leave please I need my sleep ok? We'll talk some other time. Not when you're irrational.
I think some of it stems from him being bothered because my exh was very abusive-so he finds it offensive I have that name..or perhaps it's more "you should have my name-and the ex bitch should not-she is not worthy". But-hey-we're not married and I'm in no rush. I think in another setting and time of day we'll be able to talk more rationally.
It's funny because I had this conversation w/my cousin about 6 months or so ago-and I was very adamant about wanting to change it on my own-w/no word from him about it. But then I talked to my kids and let the idea go for a bit...but I've still been thinking about it off and on. I guess his approach to me was offensive and I got to kind of dig my heels about it even if it was something I wanted to do in the first place-if that makes sense?
It's a sensitive issue-women taking a mans name anyway for me-so I feel that decision is completely and entirely man and I will do as I damn well please when I want to-because I want to-and not because of what yet another man has to say about MY name. GRRR> It's not that he would even ask or demand I change it at all-he wouldn't dare...but he presented a very negative opinion of me having it-and that made me defensive. I'm a Virgo-what can I say-we don't take criticism well at times
Thanks everyone for being so understanding!
I know, having a rational
I know, having a rational conversation sometimes doesn't happen on the spot or even the next day. Haha, BF is a Virgo too. If we argue he tends to clam up and I just bite my tongue and let him (and me) fume until the jets cool. I like to think he has constructive fuming
because he always comes back with a calmer attitude and a more thoughtful response--but sometimes not till days later.
I can see where he might be more upset because your ex was abusive. The flip side about his ex having his name when he wishes it was you, well that sucks but that's life. It sounds like he's upset about these things that are out of his control (your name reminding him of exh's abusiveness, his ex with his name) and the only way for him to attempt to exert control on these uncontrollable things is through you. I guess that sounds kind of clinical, but in the mind it's probably less conscious.
It's great that you have the attitude that no man will force you to do something you're not quite sure about yourself--even if you've been contemplating it already. I think that when we're unsure about something one way or another we become particularly defensive when someone tries to sway us in one direction (I've noticed this in me as well); I don't know why, but I guess maybe it's because we feel that it's our right to be indecisive and our ultimate decision, so please don't push me because obviously I wasn't ready to make the decision myself or I would have made it already! Haha, sorry projection. You guys seem like you have a pretty solid relationship, so don't worry too much. Once everyone calms down and some communication can move forward, I'm sure you'll set about making it more comfortable for everyone involved. That's not to say everyone will be 100% satisfied, but at least it will have been brought up and everyone's perspectives addressed. Who knows, in another six months maybe you'll think about it again and feel less stressed because it's all out on the table? We can hope, right?
Now I'm remarried, and still
Now I'm remarried, and still have the same last name
++++++++++++++++++++++
You remarried and kept your ex husbands last name?!
I have always regretted not
I have always regretted not keeping my EH's last name for my DS. He is the odd man out always with the name and I hate it for him. If I had to do it over I would have kept that name, remarriage and all!
My husbands ex has kept her
My husbands ex has kept her married name. At first it bugged me a little, but then I realized shes had that name he entire adult life. Every form of identity bill or financial document would need to be changed. Her children are school aged and may have to answer the question why is your moms last name different. I think it could bring up the sadness of the divorce too much. If an emergency came up it could make it harder for her to get to the kids because theyll ask the lastname and what if the hospital computer wasnt updated? Your name is a part of you. if you dont want to change it then dont. If your kids feel a name is what keeps them a family then you need to talk. Maybe its not the real reason. You changing your last name is a huge deal!! The kids might be viewing it as the final step in separation. As far as your boyfriend goes, my husband has told me that taking his name is the same as marking his territory. by taking his name I am saying yes I am his and as long as I have it i am his. maybe your bf sees it this way? I have not taken my husbands name yet and wont until i renew my lic next year. hahahha I just dont have time to go running around updating and sitting in waiting rooms for 4 hours just to change my name. He has told me that he doesnt feel that I have fully committed myself to him because I havent changed it yet. So I counter act that with, well then youll never be fully committed because you dont have to take my nam lol
Do what you want to do and unless your kids are still in school although their feelings are important at 18 they wont have any more questions.
I have made the offer to my
I have made the offer to my son (SS) to adopt him several times since his mid teens. So far he has not accepted. His response has been consistently "you are my dad, changing my name won't change that will it?"
Of course it won't but I have told him that the last thing I have to give him is my name and it is his when ever he wants it.
Of course my mom has always referred to SS by our last name which the kid never misses a beat over. When all of the Rags' are together he goes by Rags.
I am hopeful that he takes me up on my offer before he graduates from college. It should be my name on his degrees since I am the one paying for them and they will b a continued accomplishment of the Rags'. His mom and I have the same last name on our degrees, he should to. It is not like the SpermClan has had anything thing to do with any success in SS's life and for sure they will not contribute to his college education.
See, ok these last 3 posts
See, ok these last 3 posts remind me that it IS indeed a territorial thing for guys. Rags your offense at your son not taking your name included. I guess that's how the bf sees it as well.
I guess that's what bothers me the most-why should I have to bend over in a pretzel with a major inconvenience that would take $, and forms, and MONTHS of time and paperwork and stress so YOU can feel I'm not "territory" of someone else. I"m not-I'm me...it's OUR family name. If I do this it will because I want to and am ready to deal w/the hassle.
I want to write a clear bullet point letter why I feel the way I do-and ALSO print out the checklist of everything that has to be done in order to change it. Guys never touch all the organizing/paperwork bullshit of it all-always the women (mainly). In this instance my kids opinion is more important than his-and MY choice is more important then his feelings about it. Quite frankly when men have to mess w/their identity back and forth to become "property of" women like their kids and wives have to do-THEN their word may have some weight.
Overit2, I would not
Overit2,
I would not categorize my feelings about my SS taking the family last name as "offense". For me it is more an "I earned it" thing. I raised SS as my own, he has lived with me as his full time dad for nearly his entire life (since he was 1yo). He has no memories prior to me. He has known the SpermIdiot as Daddy(firstname) or (first name) until the past 5-10yrs when he became "Dad". I was "Dad" first and always. The other guy just goo’d. That was his only contribution to the pretty good kid who is MY son.
Your points about the PITA factor of changing your name are absolutely correct. My wife still will occasionally bring up when she had to do it after we married. The main thing was when she had to renew her passport after we married and they refused to believe that it was her. She brought her birth certificate, DL and expired passport (with a picture in it) and the idiot clerk would not renew her passport in her married name. She had to bring the marriage license. When she returned with the marriage license the clerk did not even look at the photo ID to make sure it was her. WTF?
So, yes, the whole process is definitely a PITA. I hear about it even 16+ years after my bride did it.
As for "Quite frankly when men have to mess w/their identity back and forth to become "property of" women like their kids and wives have to do-THEN their word may have some weight.". WOW!, do you have some issues with this or what?
I do not consider my wife or my son as MY property. Though as often as I use "MY" in reference to my wife and my son you may think that I am full of crap. She is MY wife, I am HER husband and he (SS) is OUR son. This is not an ownership thing it is a commitment and societal norm thing. Upon marriage women in our society have taken their husband's name for several centuries.
I have no problem if that does not happen but I kinda like it the way it is and has been for a long, long time.
If my wife had chosen to keep her maiden name, I would have still been happy to get papers on her.
A guy has to prove his ownership of his woman somehow especially if he can't brand her with his name.