You have the right to be seriously mad....I would be.

Our BM turned being fromn "New York" (which I am not) into a racial slur to SS when he was younger. I heard all kinds bad things about "New Yorkers" from the kid. It was rather disturbing because BM is half Native American and she grew up on a Indian Reservation....you would think she would know what it's like to be a subject of prejudice.

Personlly, I find it hard to believe that in this day people are still judging people on skin color or where they come from.

I just told the kid that you really need to get to know the person before you decide to dislike them...jerks come in all different colors and from all different places.

You need to talk to BM about this....how does she function in society with this belief?

Rightfully mad in my opinion. People who harbor racist vitriolic crap in their hearts are not worth human kindness IMHO.

Especially anyone who would purposely load a kid with that perspective.

Fortunately kids are smart and will often form their own opinion on these matters.

As my signature line indicates I don't give a crap what color, religion, sexual orientation or national origin applies to someone.

I care about their character and their performance. Those things I will judge people on. People of no character and who CHOOSE not to perform I detest. Regardless of their race or any other socio/geographic characteristics.

Hang in there.

The weekend that I moved in with my SO (he has his kids full time) BM had been given permission from my SO to have visitation with his kids. His daughter was 10 years old at that time. BM and SD got in to a huge argument because SD wanted to come back home because I was moving in. BM called SO and told him that she was bringing SD back and he could have that bitch!

SD told me later that her BM and her were arguing because BM had made some racist remarks about me. I am Mex-American. Born and raised in the west coast.

I think BM thinks that I am some illegal alien that lives with her XH and is milking him for all his money. Whatever lady....

We had kinda the same problem with bm, I am african but i was raised in Europe. Bm used to make fun about my accent and she used to tell ss that I am from the jungle and eat monkeys. (mind you she is African American)

I asked her about it, and she admitted it, she said she hates immigrants and she thinks I am a bad influence on ss.

I told her, (and I am not so proud of what I said)

I said

My parents are happily married for 30 years my grand parents are happily married for 50 years. Nobody in my family got pregnant before marriage and nobody is divorced, my parents both when to university's in Europe, my father is an engineer. I am finishing college right now. And if I recall, your mother never worked a day in her life always has been on welfare, you don't even know who your father is, your sister has 3 children from 3 different man and never was married and you bm had ss when you were 16 ,now your mother and your sister live with you , they don't have jobs and you work at Duncan donuts. So who is really a bad influence to ss??

You should have seen the look on her face, she just left quietly and never said a word about my accent.

I'm sorry you have to put up with that idiot. It drives me crazy when people think that because we are the same race I must want to trash other races with them. I agree, why the hell IS it still an issue?

Not acceptable and should be reported to the court system.

Whateva

Good luck

I'm sorry she is doing this. It is sad that some people cannot put deal with their feelings in a way that does not negatively impact their children.

The next time SS says something like that, ask him if he likes you. When he responds "yes," tell him that is what matters most. Also, make it a point to later tell him you love him and he'll always be very important to you.

As for BM, I think DH should talk to her. I know it's like talking to a wall, but his talking to her about it will remind SS that rude remarks like the ones she makes won't be tolerated in your by him, and that he'll be punished if he makes remarks like that about you. I know he doesn't now, but it's still a good idea to try and decrease the chance SS will make these remarks on his own.

I am half Native American and my EXBF actually used to trash on my race a lot. It's crazy because he was the one who chose to be with me and he and I had a son together.

I wonder what she's going to do if her son goes to school and says something about a classmate now. I don't know where you guys live but I know that where I live racism is not tolerated in school. It's an automatic suspension AND the parents get a good dressing down by the school. That's a good thing and we HAVE come a long way.

It's really sad that she would use her child in this way when in all actuality it's most likely more about who you're WITH and not the color of your skin.

Your DH should point out to his son that we are all a part of the same race... the human race. Most kids find this explanation easiest to understand. As long as DH has a talk with the child and makes sure to get HIS point across, maybe your SS can actually teach his mom a thing or two.

Good-luck. This one's a tough one because you're right... THIS shouldn't even be an issue.

I know this thread is old, but I do feel like I need to address some of the comments above. I think it's problematic that the nuances of the stresses that exist between some African-Americans and some continental Africans got boiled down to statements about how whole communities are or are not. I find that when White Americans do something, they are regarded as individuals, but when a person of color does something, that's how "they" are --the whole community, as evidenced by some of the comments in this thread.

My SD15 is half White and half African-American, and she is being raised with BM who is White. BM does not want us to ever discuss anything with SD about being a part of African-American culture, even though she is completely involved with her African-American family. She wants SD to think of herself as "no color" which is problematic, especially when she is called the N word by kids at school and clearly looks like a Black child.

I think that children need to feel proud of their culture, no matter what it is, and also know that the world will read them in various ways. Children of color need to be prepared for racism, just as girls need to know what sexism looks like and how to resist it, or gay children need to be prepared for homophobia and still find ways to feel confident and secure as part of a gay community.

This is not about teaching them negative things, it is about teaching them how to be safe, it is about protecting their self-esteem and making them know the positive things about themselves -- especially when the dominant culture in the U.S. looks down upon most of us, whether we be of color, a woman, gay or poor. I want my children to be intellectuals and understand the nuances of these things.

There is a considerable amount of research that proves that people who adopt a "color-blind" mentality allow more racism to be tolerated around them. I think that when talking about bi-racial kids (I myself have a White parent and a Black parent) that these kids get a lot of mixed messages that confuse them, and make them feel bad about being of color. This is symptomatic of living in a country where the dominant culture is White and everyone else is represented as inferior. This is my experience.

Here is a link if you want to learn more about colorblindness: http://www.tolerance.org/magazine/number-36-fall-2009/colorblindness-new...

So, I am very sad for all the things people are experiencing around racism on this thread, but I don't think the answers to addressing these painful experiences are so simple. African-Americans are just as affected by the horrible, racist depictions of Africans in the U.S., have internalized much of this garbage, and it is terribly sad. I also know that many African elites have been able to escape colonization and forge a different reality through education and resources that are not made available to all Africans living on the continent. But these experiences do not represent entire communities -- and should not characterize all people of African descent, who have many diverse experiences around the globe.

Unfortunately, many African-Americans still live with the repercussions of slavery. Both of my grandparents were slaves on my Dad's side, and I am only 41 years old. There are many people in my family who are still poor and uneducated as a direct consequence of this legacy which was not of our choosing, and some of us have been very fortunate to earn Master's degrees and Ph.D.s in an effort to create new realities. I don't think that makes us feel "entitled" as was depicted in this thread. I think this is an unfair statement to attribute to an entire group of people based on a few people's experiences.

I also think that we need to have more astute understandings of what it means to be White and make judgments from a position or tone of authority about people of color. Here is more research on white privilege, one of the ways that discussions about race are often decontextualized from the history of racism in America: http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~rjensen/freelance/racearticles.htm

I appreciate you listening. I hope that we can agree that this is a place to vent, but addressing discriminatory experiences with more racist attributions about people is less than helpful, imho.