am I over reacting
My partner and I had a big shock last year when the CSA got in contact with us naming him as the father of a seven year old, naturally he demanded a DNA test, this came back positive. My partner was insistent that he never wanted to see or speak to the mother of his child, mainly because of health reasons but some personal too. We discussed where we go from here and together we decided I would contact her, she told me that her son wanted to meet his dad. over a few e-mails I suggested to her that I get to know her and her son and eventually take him to see his dad (when they both know me well enough to take him). She was obviously unsure about it but agreed as she wanted her son to know his dad, and neither of us could come up with an alternative. This was working well for the past 6 months he got to know me and then his dad, we had some great days out. We started getting concerned about his welfare when he was telling us he had peas and chocolate for xmas dinner, and she lets him have full sky telly in his bedroom, and then the clincher he said "mummy bought me Gran Theft Auto" bearing in mind he is 7 and this is rated 18 also has prostitutes, pimps violence and police chases. My partner and I both feel that this is totally inappropriate for him she does not agree what do you think?
I agree that this is totally
I agree that this is totally inappropriate.
I also think that at this point, when she has raised him for a 7 years by herself, to step in and question her parenting so soon would probably not go over very well.
One thing that is very helpful to remember is that in BM's house, she makes the rules, and in your house, you make the rules. You can't dictate what she buys for her son.
I know many others on this site have been able to make a case for sole custody by documenting EVERYTHING... from what he says he has for dinner, to her buying him the video game, etc... But I just don't know how much that is gonna help if the child isn't really in any danger, coupled to the fact your partner wasn't even arpund for 7 years and his mom is all he knows.
Good luck, and I hope you get some good advice.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments and I totally agree with you, I did not expect her to like what I told her, but just wish she could see she is giving him things that could affect his future. I would just like to add he is already being violent towards her and she has asked for our help to stop him, and is also stopping his visits with us as a punishment for him being violent.
Stopping visits to his
Stopping visits to his father as punishment is not on IMHO. The relationship is going to be fragile as it is so new, and stopping visits will just make it harder for you two to build it with SS7.
I agree that an 18 certificate game at age 7 is wrong - my SS is 10, and I blew a gasket when OH let him watch a 15 film.
If the violence has started since meeting you & his dad, then it could be his expression of the emotions of all this going on - it might be worth speaking to his school to see if there's any counselling he can access to explore healthily this upheaval in his life.
p.s. I'm guessing from references to Sky & CSA that you're in the UK like me!
Yes I'm in the UK. The
Yes I'm in the UK. The violence was brought to our attention almost straight away, so I don't think it has anything to do with meeting his dad and I, although I do take the point that this could have exasperated it. She wont allow my partner to have any parental control so the school wont speak to him. My words to her where "it is j***** right to see his dad not a privalige you can not take this away from him" she then told me I could not tell her how to punish her son. j***** seems to be taking it all in his stride I think it us lot that are having the harder time adjusting, he just wants to play football with his dad. I feel the violence is more a cry for attention as he always talks about being in his room alone and no one playing with him. When we had all that snow we asked him if he enjoyed playing in it and he said "I was but no one would help me build a snowman and I couldn't get the head on myself." he lives with his mum nan and granddad so there is no excuse in my eyes for one of them to go and help him.
can't be bad enjoy yourself.
can't be bad enjoy yourself.
He can apply for parental
He can apply for parental responsibility: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954 but it could be tricky as he's only recently come into J's life.
But also, a child has the right to contact with both parents: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4003313 so she doesn't have the right to take this away from him.
I know how you feel about the snow - my SS10 wasn't allowed to go play in his own back garden when he was off school for 3 days, BM actually blocked the back door so he couldn't sneak out! I had a phonecall from him, so upset, and begging to be allowed to build a snowman when he came to us for the weekend.
That's a really tough
That's a really tough situation. I agree that it's inappropriate but I also think that you should probably tread lightly. DEFINITELY document everything too. Does your partner have contact with the BM or is it just you?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I take it by BM you mean mum
I take it by BM you mean mum (sorry i'm new at this) it's only me my partner won't even speak to her on the phone. Good point you made about mind and mouth and I admit things have got a bit heated the past couple of days.
Yes, BM means Bio Mom. I
Yes, BM means Bio Mom. I think that if your partner is going to have a relationship with his son, he's going to have to step up and start dealing with her. The child is HIS son, not yours and HE should be the one dealing with her directly. What's going to happen when she decides to come after him for money? You can't fight that battle for him. Just something to think about...
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I understand this but he
I understand this but he wont and he wouldn't know his dad if I did stay out of it