Should I tell him what I learned?
I discovered 2 things about Princess this afternoon, and I'm wondering if I should tell her dad... I don't usually keep secrets, but she is 18 now and in college. She does have the right to make her own mistakes and learn from them... And maybe that's just what she needs...
1. She left her phone here when she left to go to her mother's this morning. She has the phone I want, so I was checking it over to see if I liked it- and admittedly, I was snooping. I can do that. I pay for bill! In her pictures file, is a photo of her provocatively posed on her dorm bed in bra and panties. And I can tell you, they weren't any of the undergarments I bought her to go off to school with! She had photoshopped it, and drawn hearts and kissy lips all around...
I question telling him, because we do pay the bill, and that can, in some situations be considered porn. And if she sent it to her supposedly straight-laced Christian boyfriend, and now he is REALLY angry they broke up, gosh knows what he could do with it. I mean, that could be all over the Internet and she couldn't do anything about it!
PS- About 40 minutes later she came breezing back in the house- realizing she had left the phone behind...
2. Princess spent Friday night and Saturday with my parents. I was very surprised when she told me she was going to do this. They only live an hour from her school, and she thought it would be a good idea since we wouldn't be seeing them over Thanksgiving, and she's not sure of her Christmas plans yet... Apparently she spilled all the beans to my mother, and my mother did not want to betray any confidences, but she did tell me she did think it was important that I know she admitted to skipping her 9 am English class NINE times this fall, claiming she was too sick to go... Mom was worried about her health, and wanted me to get her in to see the doctor over break...
I almost don't even want to touch this one. I don't want her to feel she can't talk to Nana about stuff. And I'm sure my father already gave her a HUGE lecture about it. But she did say she lost 10% of her grade each time she was gone... That could seriously hurt her GPA and her grant money!
If I tell Loghead, is it tattling, or being a concerned parent? I'm trying to think about what I would do if she was my bio-daughter, but I honestly think I would be in the same boat on that one too!
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Well... Regarding the picture
Well...
Regarding the picture - who do you suppose took it? She is 18, so at least it's not child pornography, nor is it a full nude. (Looking for the bright side here) Technology makes it SO easy to ruin your life these days, but these kids don't seem to get it.
As far as classes go, I was a horrible college student. I flunked out multiple times. Are you and her father willing to quit paying the bill if her grades aren't up to standard? My parents never levied any consequences for my flunking out, and I never did learn my lesson.
I honestly don't know what to tell you.
I found some stuff on my sd's
I found some stuff on my sd's computer when she was 16 that I knew I HAD to tell DH, but she was 16 and still living under our roof. With your sd being 18 and in college, there is the whole "she needs to learn from her own mistakes" thing, but the fact is, you know and she is only 18 and still needs SOME parental guidance, even if she doesn't LISTEN to what you have to say.
I would definitely talk to DH about it. Let's put it this way... if it was your child and the shoe was on the other foot, would you want him to tell you? Wouldn't you want to know? So that's how I also approach any issue like that. If he's anything like my dh he will be asking you what he should do about it. I would advise not doing anything as far as bringing up these incidents directly. We parents have to be creative sometime in getting our point across. The provocative photograph... I would look online for a story about someone that had a picture of themselves published online where it harmed them. Seems like I just heard of something a week or so ago, but wish I could recall it to help you further. Then you could ask her if she heard about this story and how this person's life was screwed because of a picture like the one she took. She'll never get that you saw the picture because it will sound more like a general news story. And as far as skipping school... someone above suggested making the comment that she needed to pass her classes or else without mentioning the english class. If she is on a pell grant, she will be put on academic probation if she misses too much class or if her grades fall below a certain point and she can lose her grant all together. I would just generally ask her about school at some point during a phone call and then mention the importance of doing well and attending classes. I went back to college in my 30's and the 18-20 year olds were notorious for not showing up to classes. I remember it used to tick me off because here these kids parents are trying to help them to have a better life and here they are throwing it down the toilet like it doesn't even matter. Frustrating.
But anyway... good luck.
Whoa Luv.... little bit
Whoa Luv.... little bit snippy. I do agree though, she is 18, If she sexts it's her business, and if she fails college its her problem.
I don't know that I'd make
I don't know that I'd make that generalization to stepmothers. I don't think that there's necessarily any more snooping than a bio parent might have done in this situation. And, at 18, with my parents still providing the place to stay on my breaks rent free and helping with bills, my parents would have claimed the right to go through my phone.
I would not dream of going
I would not dream of going through my children's phones. Ever. That is such a violation of privacy.
I try to teach them to respect other people and I can't teach that if I show that I have no respect for them. I suppose if I had a child who I couldn't trust to be responsible with a phone then that child would not have a phone at my expense.
But then I taught my children to be responsible and to make logical decisions so by the time they were 18 (long before that actually) they were mature enough to handle life and take responsibility for their own actions.
I probably wouldn't have been
I probably wouldn't have been happy about it if they would have claimed that right. I probably would have viewed as a violation. But, there's a level of respect to be doing the right thing. I never gave them a reason to do something like that, but if my parents thought that they needed to step in and help me or parent me, they would have. I can see both arguments. But, how do you get to the point where you say that you cut off paying the bill without a reason if you don't look through it?
Disagree luv - If she pays
Disagree luv - If she pays the bill she can snoop on the phone. If she doesn't and she is over 18 she can't. Very easy. If the daughter doesn't like it she can pay her own phone bill.
As for the classes - don't say a word. But, be prepared for repucussions when she fails the class.
Hmm... not sure I agree with
Hmm... not sure I agree with those 2 above...
If she sexts and it gets public, it's embarrassing for everyone closely related to her.
If she fails college, she might just end up back home mooching off parents, thereby involving other people in her problem.
So sure you can't stop her from doing what she wants, but at least she can be forewarned of the repercussions, and parents can take the stance of not being available as back up should she fail or lose her grant due to her own delinquency.
Definitely tell DH though, you can't tell if it's something he'd like to address or leave alone unless you tell him.
I can't believe I'm agreeing
I can't believe I'm agreeing with luv the mall but..
She's 18, the photo is absolutely NONE of your business. If you think it is because you pay the bill then you need to stop paying the bill instead of using it as an excuse to control. I'm bothered by people doing things 'for' someone with strings attached.
As for her skipping class - how are her grades? Who is paying for school?
I'm inclined to say again that it's none of your business. If you are paying and she is failing then you need to let her know that school will not be paid for if there are failing grades. If her grades are fine then mind your own business.
Do you remember being 18?
How would you like it if someone found a photo in your phone and made a big deal out of it? It's an invasion of privacy and you can try to wrap it up in 'concern' all you want but it's not believable.
I wouldn't really discuss
I wouldn't really discuss either with him. She is 18 and she if she is having sex w her BF and sending those types of text messages it is also her business. I don't know how close you are with her, but if you really want it out, maybe you could talk to her about it personally? She may be embarrassed if her dad finds out about her sex life and will blame you for that. Maybe you could let her know what she does in private is her business but you are just worried that messages like that may come back to haunt her later.
As for missing class, I wouldn't discuss it. Personally, I rarely if ever go to class but I still have a really good GPA. Some people don't really need to sit in a lecture hall and they can learn on their own. You should, however, ask to see her grades at the end of the semester and if not going to class did in fact affect her grade then you should discuss it.
If she is doing poorly in
If she is doing poorly in classes that is her problem. As for the photos on the phone, that is her problem too but maybe a gentle reminder that once something is sent online/text - it's fair game and can posted anywhere. You could come up with a pretend scenerio that you "heard" about to bring it up. She is 18, she'll make some mistakes.
PS - I would snoop too. You're paying the bill!