FDH & I to talk tonight
After the big fight on Tuesday, I have been doing alot of thinking. Tonight we do not have any kids and are planning to sit down and talk about the things that have happened over the past week or two. Mainly we are going to talk about me & my DD not moving in at the end of December and why.
I called him on his 1st break at work and he asked if we would see each other tonight and I told him only if it would be peaceful and no kids (my DD is going to her dads and his are supposed to go to BM's). He said it would be. I then told him that I wanted to talk to him and told him that my DD & I had a very long talk last night and that she has voiced concerns about moving in over there and I agree 100% with her on ALL the concerns. And I told him that although I love him, I can't live that way, me and DD are not used to the screaming and yelling and attitudes and the tantrums. WE take each others feelings into account and we are both very compassionate and caring people who are genuinely concerned about others whether or not they can "do something for us or buy us something", we care about others because you should and we compromise and treat each other respectfully. I told him that things HAD to change BEFORE we move there otherwise I can not do that to my daughter, my animals (yes my puppy is sensitive) or myself. He said we would talk tonight more about it. And I told him again, that I love him and want it to work, but I would NOT live that way. And I also told him that the way his daughter treated my DD and me the other night was completely out of line and that if DD would EVER talk to anyone like that (even a stranger) then there WOULD be consequences. He tried to say well it's just 'normal' teenage behavior…… I said maybe it is, but 'normal' teenagers get disciplined for that type of behavior and she didn't. And that if him or BM are not going to do it, then I will teach her that she can NOT talk to people that way or treat people that way and then expect ANYTHING from them….. That I was done with her and that if she ever called me, tried to talk to me about anything, or texted me, my standard response will be I'm not your mom or anyone to you….. Go talk to your parents.
I could tell he was upset, he got quiet and was hurt, but I HAD to tell him how I was feeling. I told him that I was sorry to lay all this on him right now, but he needed to know how I was feeling and what was going on in my head (and my DD) and that this can not be swept under the rug anymore because it would affect DD and I will not put her in any situation on purpose that I know is not good.
Don't get me wrong, I do love his kids and care about what happens to them, but....... I can't let their behavior affect my DD. I'm not sure how tonights conversation will go, but I wanted to give him some time to think, really think about everything. Something my DD said to me last night has been weighing really heavy on my mind and has really made me think: Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect himself and allows his kids to be that disrespectful to anyone, including himself, don't get me wrong mom, I love him like a dad, but I just don't respect him anymore. That really hurt to hear her say that.
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Good idea giving him a heads
Good idea giving him a heads up to think about what you want to talk about. I hope your chat goes well tonight
I just wanna say... I've been
I just wanna say... I've been talking and talking and talking over and over and over again for the last 11 years to my dh and sk's about tempers, yelling, name calling... trying to explain to them how I cannot handle it, don't want to deal with it, don't want it around my kids. 11 long years. I just disengaged from my sk's a few weeks ago because my sd was so disrespectful to me on 3 seperate occasions and dh refused to do anything about it or say anything about it because according to him "she's an adult and thinks she can do whatever she wants." Fine. She's an adult. I will treat her as an adult since you don't want to say anything. I am DONE.
I am telling you. I may seem like a debbie downer, but I honestly have talked and talked and talked. You can say something 1000 times... the same thing... nothing will ever change. It may change for a couple of months, but eventually everyone gets comfortable again and it all goes back to exactly what it was before. Mark my words. Been there, done that WAAAAAAAY too many times.
Good Luck.
Was that for me, Lost Hope,
Was that for me, Lost Hope, or both? LOL
Can you
Tell me how you disengaged exactly? I need to and not sure how to. I've been the disciplinarian now for almost 8 years and I'm over it all. They can turn out to be horrid little shi*s and I don't care anymore, I just want to not do the mothering things since clearly they're not mine and it doesn't do anything anyway.
Or...if you are with a man
Or...if you are with a man with a child-make sure he respects you enough to not allow crap in your home or to you. Those ARE out there too.
Good for you! There's no way
Good for you! There's no way I could have moved in with SO and skids if mine weren't already out of the house. I'd be embarrassed to have my sons see what he and I have to deal with on a day to day basis. My sons are just a year and two older than his kids, and they act nothing alike. Mine would never dream of acting the way his do, nor would they ever have been allowed to.
Stick to your guns. I'd suggest not moving in until his daughters are out of the house. If you think their behavior is awful now, just wait until you and yours move in. I guarantee it will be worse!!
Thank you everyone. We did
Thank you everyone. We did talk last night and he agrees that things need to change. He made a bunch of excuses for FSD's behavior but also said that he needs to start becoming a parent. He understands my concerns and said that he needs to sit down with BM & her H to come up with a plan. Most of the problem is, is that BM will not follow through whenever FDH tries to discipline the kids. FSD & FSS will both run over to her house and even though he says no, she lets them. We have decided that we will come up with a list of house rules....and a swear jar. I told him that even though we will do this, HE needs to do it before me and my DD move in. That way it doesn't make me the bad one. Will I move in at the end of December, very doubtful and I told him that.
Thanks! My only concern is
Thanks! My only concern is my DD. If it wasn't for her, I probably would move in and hope it got better. But I'm not going to put her through it. She has come so far and I can't have her move backwards. It was funny, because FDH brought up last night that both his kids are 4.0 students and I just laughed... and I told him that just because they were book smart, doesn't make them better than anyone else and I would take a 2.0 student who is well behaved and caring anyday over that. So, we'll see what happens.