Ex-fdh and I have been talking, without any success. We did meet the Friday before Memorial Day and he gave me some of the money he owed me. Then he said that this wasn't what he wanted, he didn't want it to end. We talked for a bit and I told him I wanted to be happy and I wanted the support from him if we were to even consider trying to work things out. It was like talking in circles though because he would say he agrees and then he would contradict himself and start getting all defensive over his kids (son - 18 & daughter 16). I started to get frustrated and so was he so we decided that it'd be best to just stop the conversation.

We talked the next day and pretty much every day since. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, but it has been so cold and so distant. It's like he just doesn't care and yes, I have been cold also, very distant from him. I guess thats just my way to not cry in front of him. We saw each other tonight and he said that he isn't happy and hasn't been for about 2 years or so. I asked him why, what isn't he happy about? He told me that a part of it is because of his kids & me not getting along, another part is his job and then he said that I had changed since he put the ring on my finger (which was Christmas of 2009 - so a year & 1/2 ago). I asked him how he felt I changed, he didn't know, said it was my attitude. I looked at him and said, yes I have changed, alot - alot more pressure has been put on me with my family, because 17 days after I got the ring, my dad had a stroke and passed away 12 days later. So have I changed? Yes, absolutely, is it because of the ring? No, it's not. Its a combination of the pressure I feel from my mom, the crap I deal with from his kids and him yelling at me because of it and the stress at work. I asked him if he hasn't been happy for 2 years, then why in the heck did he give me a ring and add a bedroom and bathroom at his house? He couldn't answer that. I looked at him and said so, there's the answer if we are going to try and work things out, it's obviously a no. He said that no, he just doesn't know if he wants to or not. He then went on to say that he's doesn't want to say goodbye but he's just not sure if it will work. I told him that I would not just sit there and wait and that to me, it's an easy question to answer, either you love me and want to try and take it slow OR we end it.

We talked a little more about things and then he started in about his son and how he is tired of talking about this and dealing with it. I just looked at him and said okay, well I can make it really easy for you so you don't have to deal with it, we can just stop playing this game and since you are not willing to work on 'us' and I can't seem to pretend like everything is fine, we can just end this and stop it all. I said it's not like we are together anymore anyway, sure you call me everyday, we see each other occasionally, but you just want to sweep this under the rug and pretend it will all go away and I'm just not willing to do that anymore - that is why we are where we are, not dealing with things. Throughout the conversation, we both said that we loved each other and then he said that he didn't feel loved by me. I told him that it was hard to show love when I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells around him and his son constantly and that when I have no clue if we are trying to work things out or not, that I didn't want to get hurt more than I already am which was causing me to become distant.

When there was a silence for a few minutes and I could feel the tears burning my eyes, I grabbed my purse and keys and walked outside and he came out with me, he just looked at me. We didn't say another word, I got in my car and left without saying goodbye. Thank goodness it was sunny outside because I had put my sunglasses on so that he wouldn't see me getting upset. I feel so lost right now. I love him still despite all of the things that have been said and done and it hurts like hell knowing that it's over. I know eventually I'll be able to go a day without crying or being sad, I just wish that I could be a cold hearted person and not care, not let it effect me.