Being second to skids/BM is sort of like there being another woman in the relationship...
That's how it was, I was my BF's SO but he was so entrenched with dysfunctional dynamics with SD, BM, and his mother and the guilt he allowed them to dole out to him. He was incapable of having an exclusive relationship with me because he was bent on pleasing these other women at any cost; the best he could give me was something akin to polygamy (ok, over-reacting but you get it).
So now it's all different, he cut the dysfunctional ties but I am "not there" emotionally anymore, despite his changes, which are really a big deal. I was thinking tonight that maybe the way I feel is sort of how I'd feel if there was "another woman" (and for all practical purposes, there were multiple "other women" in our relationship before) and that because he put craziness (BS with the other women in his life) ahead of us in the past, that I might not be able to get past it, just like women often can't get past an affair.
Idk, I just thought it was an interesting parallel...that sometimes being involved with a man with children is like being with a man who can never fully commit or one that has one or more women on the side (children, BMs, intrusive MILs).
Thoughts?
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I totally agree with you. For
I totally agree with you. For the past couple weeks I have been trying to figure out why it is that I dislike BM so much.
Partly because I want to be a mom to that little girl so badly and partly because I know that for the rest of our life she will always be around, this other woman. And I hate her for that.
It is like having your bf or husband be involved with another woman.
Good parallel.
Well, TP09, I am sad that his
Well, TP09, I am sad that his changes aren't really making me feel differently. He's got one last change he's making, which is major, and I am hoping that it will make a big difference. I do feel sad that I was ready to be together, get married etc. and all the BS made it impossible, now, he's made the changes but I am not feeling differently. I wrote a blog a week or so about this, I wonder if there's just something permanently damaged from what we went through...that's what made me think about an "other women" situation...
That's what mine said to me,
That's what mine said to me, justthegf, that after I left he saw the error of his ways, figured out what is really important, came up with a plan to change -- and he has and there is no back and forth with his "other women" anymore, but I'm not all excited like I would have been had he come to his epiphany a year ago, when we were struggling but I was still hanging on.
TP09, yes, maybe there is no turning back. You're right Lostinthemadness -- I lost respect for him and that is a huge part of the current problem. I mean, I am SO proud of him for taking his life back and gaining my respect back, but getting the short end of the deal for so long has done something to me. Also, seeing your man practically being whipped by other women is emasculating and strips away any attraction. Let's face it, women want a man who is strong and can protect us, not one who is scared of another woman, controlled by another woman other than us.
I don't know. There is one more piece of this equation that is coming in a few months...I am trying to hold out and see how I feel -- I've put so much time and energy into this...