my husband is trying to get temporary custody of his son who will is 16 because of educational neglect and quite frankly I AM FREAKING OUT....I know it will be better for SS16 who is never going to graduate at the rate he is going but everything that I read here I know is going to happen to me.....DH needs to AGREE with your rules...you are the one that is home with SS so you make the rules and he needs to back you up!

Um, yeah, that's not normal behavior no matter what others would have you believe. I have a dd that age, a ss 12.5 and a son 11.5. The only one that treats me like that is ss. I would never in a million years be ok with my kid being gone every evening at a neighbor's house without asking. If any of my kids want a ride to school, something picked up for them, then they either can ask nicely or it's not happening. I tend to be somewhat lenient on the rooms, but when I want it done-it either happens or the sit there without privileges. Your ss acts the way he does because he can. You still do stuff for him even if he's rude to you. If he doesnt like your cooking-you can make enough for you and dh and tell him to fend for himself. I wouldnt give him lunch money until he asked nicely for it. If he answers the phone with attitude then I would tell him you will let him go until he has better phone manners or is in a better mood then I would drive home with his stuff and let bm come pick it up.
It frustrates me to no end that people call this kid's behavior normal. No, it's rude and disrespectful. People think it is normal because so many kids act this way today. So many kids act this way because parents give them the message that it is ok and "normal" teen behavior. We are raising such an entitled youth and then call it normal when they act like asses. I never acted any of these ways to my mom and dad(not that I was perfect trust me)but I wasnt rude and disrespectful to my parents-and if my kids try that one on me they'll be spending some lonely, boring time in their room and doing without.
And while I said that ss treats me like that-he doesnt treat me that bad. I dont do all those things for him because he used to treat me that bad. He still isnt great to me-but if dh asked him to apologize he would never let him get away with "I'll do it later". If he wont eat my food I tell him its his choice to eat or not-but if he's not gonna eat he can leave the table. If he cant appreciate what I do do-I stop doing it. He wets his bed everynight-I used to strip his bed and wash his sheets and clothes everyday he was here. He would not do it independently, would argue if asked to do it himself-if I tried to give him tips on helping him with bladder control he would yell at me that he had absolutely no control over it and I should stop talking to him. So I no longer do it. First thing when he gets up I tell him to do it-if he tries not to I send him back to his room to sit there until he decides it is a good idea for him to do it.
You have no control over this child is the problem. You either HAVE to establish control or tell dh to get himself a new "babysitter"

This worked for my ssons lack of manners.
When I drove him to school he looked almost comatose. So I said "Hey, if you don't say Thank you and goodbye in an acceptable manner when you get out of the car I will step out of the car and yell at the top of my voice "Bye sweetie! I love you too! See you after school with your milk and cookies ready! Love you!"

He thought I was kidding. He got out of the car and sloped off with his pants hanging out. I put the car in 'park' and opened the door. By this time he was walking with some friends. I yelled.."Bye sweetie!.... "That is as far as I got. He turned and RAN into the building. It has never happened again.

Buy some rubber gloves and one of those things they sell for people who cannot pick things up ... clampy thing ...Go into his room and do the Big Black Bag Pickup. And EVERYTHING not in its place goes in the bag. The bag goes in the garage.

The not coming home until 9pm is totally uinacceptable. If he isn't there when you get home, call your husband. And continue to do so every 15 mins until he tells you to stop. And then tell him you have no idea where his son is, he wants you to care more about him yet it is REALLY hard to do when he isn't there. So he better come home and help you find him or does he want you to call the police and report him as a runaway?

See if this all works. And as usual, it sounds like DH is handing over the parenting to you and has no expectations of his son apart from breathing and occupying space and expectations that by magic you will all get along.