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Anyone else ever feel like BM lives in your house???

klynn's picture

Submitted by klynn on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 2:54pm

For some reason BM feels it's her right to question everything that goes on in our home. She questions SO's methods of parenting on a regular basis. For the record, this woman has been arrested for flipping out on people in public and at home. She is bipolar and has caused many scenes in public in front of her children. However, at any point she feels it's her business to tell my SO how he's not doing what he should be. An example is SS9's homework. Every day SO asks SS9 if he has homework, sometimes he does and sometimes he says he doesn't. Well, apparently he had to stay inside for recess because he failed to have his dad sign his homework. SO thinks this is a good lesson as we've seen in the past that SS9 doesn't seem to remember anything unless given a consequence. So, SO and SS9 have a discussion about why he had to stay inside and of course SS9 says "because you didn't sign my homework dad", Dad says "no, it's because you didn't tell me you needed it signed"....lightbulb for SS9. SO is trying to teach this kid responsibility as his BM does everything for him. BM calls and is livid and yelling and telling SO that SS9 had to stay in from recess because of him. SO said "good, maybe next time when I ask him if he has homework he will think it through a little bit more". BM freaks out and says he needs to make sure because SS9 is not old enough yet. Of course, obviously the school believes that he is or else they wouldn't be dishing out consequences to him for not having it done. Right?

I guess my problem is that this sort of thing happens ALL the time. It's like that woman is sitting on the couch in my living room with us all the time judging us for what we do. I honestly don't care what she thinks of us, but for some reason my SO feels the need to defend himself all the time and it's just wearing me out. He doesn't question her parenting to her and I feel like she gave up the right to question his when she slept with someone else and divorced him. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to justify everything that is done or said in my home. I feel like he has a right (and should) just tell her that what goes on in our home is not her business and if she doesn't like it, it's just really too bad.

Comments

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 3:13pm

I don't really have any advice except maybe something you can say to your DH that might make HIS light bulb go on...

There is nothing to defend, if you haven't done anything wrong.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 3:50pm

Klynn - I read a really great step parenting book in August - I forget the name but the biggest thing I got out of it was - you can't control others actions - all you can control are your reactions and actions -

Big Kudos to your DH for teaching SS9 consequences - I think if the BM in our situation had learned about consequences from her parents she probably would not have been such a lying cheating wife to my DH and my SS would now be a more responsible person if he had learned from her that in order to have things in life you need to work. BM just bought him a car and he refuses to work and probably when he goes to get a job since she does everything for him he won't know how to work. It is a very vicious cycle and so wonderful to see a DH that is willing to stand up to the BM and teach his son how to be responsible.

Couldawouldashoulda's picture

Submitted by Couldawouldashoulda on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 5:50pm

Klynn: We must share the same BM! That's why name is Couldawouldashoulda. According to BM...I could have done.....I should have done......"

Resign yourself now to the fact that NOTHING you two are doing is right and it never will be. I'll tell ya though, the quicker that you understand that BM is trying to "parent" your adult DH and control your household, the better off you will be.

I would recommend that you sit down w/DH and implement some ways to limit BM control w/in your own household. One things that helped us was limiting BM contact to e-mail only, (so she had to be on her best behavior).

This way DH can disagree in writing w/out being flipped out on, hung-up on, treated badly, disrespected and gets to tell his side of whatever issue or whatever he is currently being blamed for at the time. If she does this in e-mail you have documented back-up for court. Like CG says, you can't control others. But, you can certainly decide what and what you won't allow in your own household on your own time with skid. I personally had a problem w/BM parenting my grown Husband that has a child that he is parenting.

This also helps with BM using skid as a messenger. Not good, but won't stop after being told time and time it is unhealthy and he shouldn't be put in this position.

Basically, she can parent on her time and DH parents on his time. No exceptions. This was one of many things we had to do. Hope this helps!

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 7:19pm

Early in my relationship with DH, I had to kindly explain to BM3 that she was welcome to make any parenting decisions in her house during her parenting time that didn't endanger SD, but during our parenting time, we will parent in the manner we find appropriate, and we don't really need any help from her in that department.

Now any time she tells me how to do something or what she wants me to do, I smile and say "I'll keep that in mind" which basically means "Feel free to take a long walk off a short pier, and I'll just pretend you didn't say that and do it my way anyway."