This was inspired by a Walmart greeter at the store near my house. He's a special guy who could care less that he is in full view of the public and acting like a very unevolved stereotypical caveman...scratching and picking and such...

WISH I WAS A GUY

Wish I was a guy.
I'd have it made.
Would grow a gut
and call it shade.

Standing to pee,
blowing snot rockets,
farting in bed,
pool in my pockets.

What fun it would be,
digging for gold,
out in public.
This is my goal.

Never have to worry
that my period was late.
Oh, to be a man,
it sure sounds great.

I'd pick my butt
and jiggle my balls.
All the while
making cat calls.

I'd invent a hobby
called scratch and sniff.
Whether ears or toes,
I'd offer a whiff.

I'd be truly gross
and mighty crude.
Mouth wide open
while full of food.

And if the mood hit,
ignoring the lectures,
I'd whip out a ruler
and measure my pecker.

Show all my friends
my girl's naked pics.
Post them online
once I've been kicked.

I'd open jars
cuz I'd be strong.
I'd believe I'm right
even when I'm wrong.

I'd lie and I'd hide
the truth every time.
I'd take all my dates
to the very same dive.

As a woman
I really just can't
go walking around
with my hand in my pants.

They'd point and laugh,
and call me names,
if I tried to play
their scratch and sniff game.

So, it is a man
I aspire to be.
Disgusting as hell
and hung like a tree.