Second Fiddle
I guess I have to just come to the realization that I will ALWAYS be second fiddle; to his narcissistic, manipulative ex, to his 2 spoiled rotten, selfish, greedy brats. His kids are 10 and 12, both girls and they act like they are 4 and 6. They have been coddled and have had everything handed to them. I remember when we discussed having me move in with BF. The big stupid half million dollar home that his ex just HAD to have and he graciously gave into her! They were separated 2 years and all the while, he was paying her mortgage AND his new mortgage. In the divorce, she was supposed to keep the house...and at the last minute and after knowing he had just spend over $25k on his new house, she decides she doesn't want it and dumps it back on him. I won't forget the first time we walked through the house after she moved out; the thoughts I had going on! First, she left this big huge house one big huge mess! If she didn't want to move it, she left it. The basement looked like Toys R Us threw up everywhere. I thought to myself "Two little girls is all they had? What the hell is all of this? I can't even see the floor!" It took 3 big 27 foot Uhaul trucks to remove all of her shit! Then, once the house was empty, good god! I don't think she new how to even surface clean! I had to use a steam cleaner on the inside and outside of the cupboards alone! Who would do this to a house like this? Oh, I know, an unappreciative, greedy, selfish, money hungry ass. Now...I've lived here for almost 2 year and all I ever hear is "This is my moms kitchen, why are you using my moms closet, my mom painted this room a certain color and doesn't want it changed, you're not allowed to take down wallpaper..." and BF says....T ah-dah!!- NOTHING. He just says, they don't understand whats going on yet. WTH? You were separated 2 years, that was 4 years ago! They most certainly do know whats going on! Idiot. Is he really that dumb? Is he in denial?
The world revolves around his kids. It doesn't matter what anyone else's schedules are, what plans were made, if his kids have something to do...and usually last minute, well that's just all that matters. The ex always calls him up last minute to say "I'll be out of town for the next week so you're taking the kids." End of discussion. All of a sudden he's rearranging his business schedule, personal schedule and thinks everyone else should just do the same.
She's constantly got her hand out for money. She gets over $1200 a month in CS, then he pays over $5000 a year for private school and all activities, and buys them clothes, school supplies, and oh let's not forget all the birthday presents for all the parties they go to...and of course, he only finds out the day of..so again, to hell with the rest of the world.
Last week, she insisted on him giving her $50k...which he would have only had to do if there was equity in the home which there is not...thank God! He's been forced to let it go into foreclosure and she's telling him that HE WILL pay her that money. NOT. Then, she goes on to text him how if he doesn't have all of the $50, she'll take $20k because she either has to turn in her leased car that he signed for OR it will get repossessed. Well Mr. Repo man, repo away!
This woman is supposedly getting married this weekend...yet is some sick twisted way, she wants to pretend like she's still married to my BF but just not live together or sleep together. WTH?
And he just ignores ALL of this...I've heard him say NUMEROUS times, I will get you the money when I get it, you know business is down so you have to be patient. UGH! Hey, how about saying look bitch, you sucked me for every penny for the past 12 years and I have NOTHING to show for it! (Well, on the flip side, he allowed it). But we're not married anymore and I owe you NOTHING so get the F off my back!" Oh no...we wouldn't ever want to say anything mean to her or upset her and hurt HER feelings but yet here I sit, the woman who cooks and cleans, completely got his office back on track so business was good, helped repair his home, tried to clean up his credit...which was pointless, so I gathered up all the necessary documents for the bankruptcy...which included having the last 3 years of his taxes done because wouldn't you know, "I thought they were filed?" never pays attention! Yes, 3 years of no taxes filing because his ex said "Yeah, they were filed" and over $100k to the IRS he owes. This is particularly ONE of the many reasons I WILL NOT MARRY THIS MAN. He is a good man, he has a big heart, and at times, we feels like soul mates HOWEVER; the ex and his kids are determined to tear us apart.
My kids love him too, and he is good to them, but again, when his kids are around, my kids sense the double standards and favoritism. I might add, I do not show favoritism. I treat them all the same...but my BF told me a couple of months ago that his 12 yr old did not like me treating her like she was one of my children. And I asked him just how does she expect me to treat her? His reply, "She should be treated more special." OMG! I don't think so.
The way I see it, this is not their home, it's their vacation home. They have no chores, they make messes and he doesn't make them clean up, the 12 yr old only wants to lay around and eat and watch TV and she's constantly coming into the kitchen when I'm trying to cook or bake and she starts sticking her hands into stuff...I did manage to stop that by telling her to get out, I do not need her sticking her dirty hands into whatever is I'm cooking because people wouldn't appreciate it and it's gross! When I see her head towards the kitchen I just look at her and say OUT. Seriously, she just wants to eat all of the time. I find hidden food in her bedroom all of the time. If I'm baking cookies and I know I bought chocolate chips but there gone...rest assured I can find the EMPTY package somewhere in her room. What does she say? "It wasn't me."...and dad says "she said it wasn't her." Then someone explain to me how the damn wrapper landed in her flippin room???????? UGH! Please. Same thing with my good baking bowl I found in her closet with graham crackers, peanut butter and chocolate frosting in! Oh, we have ghosts in the house who fix themselves a treat and then eat it in the closet and leave the dirty bowl behind? I get it! Silly me.
I could go on and on. BF is just to much of a wuss to put his foot down and stop the nonsense. I can deal with them disrespecting me, I'll just start calling them out on it or I'll take their stuff away and hide it and then say "I haven't seen it." But all the other stuff that goes on...really! I can't live like this. I will not live in a home where the kids are running it and controlling everything or reporting back to the BM about everything. He rewards bad behavior and I'm sick of it. They make a mess and they've been told to clean it and then don't, he says fine, you know what, I will clean it this time, but next time, you won't go here or you won't do that. Five minutes later, "dad, are you sill taking us to DQ?" Oh, yeah. I forgot...sure let's go. SERIOUSLY??????? I could type all day. Enough said for now.
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You are writing my story,
You are writing my story, only his are SD19/SD23. I moved in w/ (what was then my FDH) two years ago to his house (w/former BM). The oldest SD questioned upon a few weeks of me prior to moving in to dear daddy "so, when were you going to tell us that she was moving in???". Which, I thought odd back then she had the balls to even question what her dad did with his personal life and who he chose to live with (esp. since she was off to college and only home a handful of times during the year). Both girls ran the household. And it took me less than a month of moving in to want to run.
I stuck it out, went through A LOT of battles and fights w/ him. Yes, his darling little shits were #1 in his life, and I was not. BM "ordered" him around via phone calls about the girls....I also thought ODD since these brats were old enough to talk to daddy themselves about things and not involve their mom. We also faught about BM's frequent and unnecessary phone calls all the time. It felt like she was "virtually" in our bed every night controling our lives. (she's a nut case narcissist too)
I had a settlement from my divorce (a few years ago) and knew (or thought) we desperately NEEDED to get OUT of his old house ASAP and buy a new one together. I *thought* the girls would THEN back-off and learn their place and show me some respect. HAHA, did I have one thing coming.....no, the youngest, still living with us, continued to prance around our new house acting like she ran the show and ran daddy. It was *her household* and I was the *bitch* living in it. (Yes, she posted this on-line to her friends) I HATED coming home from work, I HATED being there when she was there. I was a nervous wreck all the time and on high anxiety. Which, I am sure didn't help me and DH's relationship. We fought all the time.
We nearly broke off our engagement this year and didn't get married but through Therapy and me biting my tongue for a few more months, we got through it. AND......fortunately, this summer there was an "event" that happened with the youngest SD, and I kicked her self-entitled ass out.
There is NO WAY IN HELL I would have EVER been able to put up with these little shits if they were younger. Our relationship would have never lasted.
The only reason I even stuck it out with him now is because I KNOW in my heart, when it is just the two of us, and no influence (emotional blackmail/emotional abuse from SD's/BM), we are ONE, our bond is solid. We have a GREAT time together doing the things we love doing together. I KNEW the girls would eventually have lives of their own, and it would just be us. I just needed to wait it out. (And fortunately for the youngest brat creating an episode for herself this summer at our house, I was able to get her OUT for good).
Your life will get worse as they get older. They will continue to disrespect you, they will continue to text/call BM and fill her in on your every move. They will recruit your BF's family against you. You will never feel comfortable in your own home. You will be a prisioner. You will be utterly miserable.
It will take a miracle for him to wake up and change his behavior. My DH --- it was out of pure FEAR of losing his *relationship* with his girls if he ever pissed of the BM or them. It's what generally drives them to behave this way and make you #2. With narcissistic BM in the way of your relationship, she has ABSOLUTE POWER over the skids with daddy and she will use that power against him and turn the kids against him if he doesn't behave in the manor in what she or they want. It will never end.
Our situation is such, that his girls refuse contact with him because of everything that's happened this year.....and I'm talking MINOR stuff, but you would think we'd destroyed their property or something. That's the problem with these brats --- SELF-ENTITLEMENT. They are basking in it every day and do not see how they should really treat others.
elaine, i am worn out just
elaine, i am worn out just after reading your post.
oh goodness, you know it's not going to get any better... it is a typical "blended" environment..
good luck..... work on more simple commands like "OUT" that the skids can follow....
i would be going freaking nuts in an environment that you have described...
I have a job, a very secure,
I have a job, a very secure, great paying job. I don't need his help financially....he needs mine. I can afford to move, I certainly just can't afford to up and go and do it all in a day, again it takes planning and $. I have accomplished alot in the past couple of months to take my plan of action and anticipating on whether or not he was moving with me...I just lined up a new home, which drained me a bit and I've given sellers up to 3 months before they have to move so now I'm saving for the moving trucks, the deposits on utilities, instalation of utilities etc.and I've been saving for all of this silently. I wanted to save and have it rather than think he was going to come up with and then didn't which would delay things longer for me and even if he did have it, I'm sure "something" would come up and he'd have to hand it over to his ex for something...because her needs really have to do with the kids lol. The other option I have is to go get an apartment for 3 months which is more money and a pain in the butt then have to move again into the home-so I'm trapped for another couple of months is the way I see it. It's bad enough moving once. Yes I've been with him 2 years and much of this crap has been going on for over a year. My plan is to go ahead and keep boxing my things up and get some stuff out into my storage place then make the actual move with or without him. Honestly, I'm hoping the complete separation will make him realize what it is he's doing and if he wants to continue being DD and enabling his ex and kids...well then thats fine too but at least I don't have to live with 2 brats that think they run the show and disrepect everyone around them. My point is, I'm not going to be played second fiddle everytime his ex gets a wild hair or decides she's going to go on her 5th vacation of the year and use us at her leisure and for her convenience...all while making sure she had double if not triple stacked the events and plans she made for the kids just to create more havoc for us. We have/had a life too and her plans are not going to disrupt mine anymore and if that means I do things and go places alone, I'm ok with that. I sincerely love the man, but things have got to change because I'm not going to be undermined and live with BS drama from his ex or his kids. Beleive me, if all was set and ready and I could pack it all up today without a worry in the world, I'd be gone just for some peace and quiet. Who knows...maybe I will find a man out there someday who has the same thoughts and values that I have when it comes to parenting or someone who doesn't have children because he couldn't..or just stay single and live it up!Oh if I only had a crystal ball I would help myself and everyone else
Staying WILL wear you down.
Staying WILL wear you down. Move. It will be his choice. He WILL have to change in how he treats you or it will NOT work. Our drama would still be going on and INTENSE if I hadn't kicked out the littlest brat this summer. Now there is peace and quiet and happiness back in our lives, and I tell you, having to be without the brats in my life has given me a better perspective on what I was willing to put up with for so long.
You have to realize, you are marketable, you can find people on-line to date and move forward. This situation will make you miserable and *date* you sooner than you want to be. Your face will age quickly.
elaine, i think you have a
elaine, i think you have a put alot of time, thought & effort into your exit startegy. i agree, an apartment for 3 months, total waste of time and money... 2yrs down, whats 3 more months, really?
plus you won't have all the shit slinging going on during the holidays and you can start the new year fresh in the new house. suck it up and play nice thru the holidays or go see your family and bf can go see his.
i agree totally with fabs about spending time with bios when skids are there, but i'm sure bf/skids will be all pissy b/s they aren't included.. fuck it, 3 months, disengage the best you can.. and bake, so you can send the little brats OUT!
great plan, stick to it.. when you need to vent, do it here, we'll support you. if you get a basher or a less than friendly post, use that handy dandy delete button...
good luck..
Yep, things will get worse as
Yep, things will get worse as they get older. My DH's daughter graduated from college for a year now and still can't find a job. My DH has to pay for that self-centered and self-entitled piece of *** her rent (2000 per month) I am in the same boat with you. Finally, he is in trouble because he can not do it anymore and debt is piling up. I helped him out but send him packing to live with the leech. I feel better about myself and have not shed a drop of tear. I started to respect myself more for doing that. What do I have to lose? Lose that stinking, self-entitled brat is my priority. If getting my DH out of the picture will do it, let it be. I think a marriage is hard enough. Just clear your head and decide for yourself. He certainly won't be concerned about you or your well-being. So, you should care for yourself.
Thank you all SO MUCH. I did
Thank you all SO MUCH. I did come here to vent and get things off my chest in hopes I would see I'm not crazy and that the way I feel is the same as others in the situation. I certainly didn't come here to be critisized, question, or to be made to feel like crap or to be undermined...gee, if that's what I was looking for I would have just give his kids a stick and said "Here you go brats...your own personal flipping piniota! Go ahead...whack away!" So I will use that delete button if I feel offended by someones comments...didn't even see that option...thank you starfish
And thank all of you for the support, ideas, and advice! It really helps to hear/read these things as everyone has felt the pain I have. Hugs to all.
BTW, he dumped his brats off somewhere lastnight...thank God! However, I'm still going forward with my plans for the day! He never discusses their messed up schedule with me. He apparently thought he'd dump them off and then he and I could do something today...guess he should have discussed it with me first because I'm already committed to other family events today. And it feels good to tell hime "sorry, but I've already made plans!"
Good for you! And YES, if
Good for you!
And YES, if you are in a *committed relationship*, discussing daily plans is pretty much a *given*.
Even my DH doesn't step over the bounds when it comes to giving his girls money or whatever. He DISCUSSES everything with me.
That's showing respect for you in the relationship.